Is Anyone In There?......

I try to never write without having a positive purpose; a truth and point of inspiration in looking forward. But the truth right now is that I am numb.
All these things are going on and I feel like the emotion sensor of my heart has been taken out.

It is so cute to watch Pippin and Poet together. It blesses me that she calls and says, "Hey Mom are you and Dad free to go on a double date?" It thrills me that she sends me daily texts that say 'I love you Mommy'. But the blessing and the thrills are absent of heart tugging emotion.

Puddin' just finished her freshman year of college and is so pleased with herself. We are elated and so very proud of her. I smile and love my cherished youngest daughter to pieces. But my heart appears to be floating in a lost void of space.

A couple of days ago I took my mom to a lung specialist to address abnormalities that were found during her recent hospital stay. Tests showed that there are multiple nodules in both of her lungs. There appears to be nothing else showing up elsewhere in her body. The specialist gave his reasons and opinion and feels that the safest and smartest route to go is to wait three months and scan again for differences. My mom cried with relief and praised God for the doctor's confidence. I simply sat there.

I could have said something important, something valid. I could have breathed a sigh of relief and called everyone with the good news. Instead I felt more like I was checking errands off a task list.....cold hearted and empty. I would say I feel ashamed. But I don't even feel that.

It is all as if I am outside my body and going through the motions of the day. I can stand beside myself and scream into my ears......'How about now?! Can you feel it now?!' But my response is a flat line no response.

If I were listening to someone else with these worries on their plate; I would tell them the last few month have been trying and it is okay to be in shock. I would say that it is alright to not always have the answers and to not be so hard on themselves.
But not even those words feel right at this time.

I want to feel. I want to own each moment. I know what my head says I should be doing and offering up right now. I know what my heart should be partnering with. But all I can think right now is, 'When will my heart wake up?'.

Papa, all I can do is call your name........

The Wedding!

The Wedding Party

Bride & Groom First Look - so precious -
He cried with a flood of emotion.

Here and there I have thoughts that I tell myself I should put to writing and then things keep moving forward and I get side tracked. So, I now sit wanting to write insight-fully and document my time. But nothing seems to fit my self desired writing format. Instead, I find right now that the facts are the truth and they are the best........

Preparing for the wedding was a huge amazing honor. It was so fun to create everything for our daughter and tailor it to her desires. The official pictures will be back in a few weeks but these quick snaps are fun to see.

Every second of the wedding was a precious treasure and unique for their style. Instead of the typical Bridal Entrance; our daughter chose a guitar instrumental of Disney's "Some Day My Prince Will Come". The wedding kiss was indeed their first kiss as they said they would do all along.

The theme of the day was Foundations because God is the foundation of their individual lives as well as their new journey together. Instead of a guest book, people painted their names and encouragements on river stones to be kept in a vase for the bride and groom. Later as guests were leaving, they were given river stones with favorite scriptures of the happy couple.

Guests signed river stones

Watching everyone dance as I mingled about was so fun. My brother put together a blended array of worship along with the easy fun sounds of artists like Jack Johnson, Ray LaMontange, IZ, Nora Jones, Michael Buble, Nat King Cole, The Turtles, The Monkees, The Romantics and many more. I have a copy of all the music here at home and I am reliving many smiles as I listen to it all daily.

Our family and friends came together to offer so much help along the way as they united with our celebrating. I am very grateful for each person and each minute. From my brother and cousin who mastered the sound, my sister-in-law and cousin installing the decor and the many friends who spear headed clean up with an air of effortless precision....they and many more were all amazing. Then my dear friend who took point for me the whole day; oh my goodness I am so grateful. I have to laugh at myself for ever thinking I could be both "mother-of-the-bride" AND "master of the day".

Memento table with scripture river stones for guests to take home.

In everything along the way of preparation I could feel God's guiding hand in inspiration, direction and even that pesky detail of funding. All the way down to the final details and extras like being able to make jewelry and finding special heirloom handkerchiefs to give all of the family moms and grandmas.....His hand was everywhere.

The day of rehearsal found me with no other task but to enjoy and let my thoughts spin in my head. It struck me as an odd thought that I couldn't recall anyone ever being done with wedding prep tasks 3 days before the event. I thanked God for His guiding in getting it all done and didn't think much more about it. Our eldest daughter had driven in from Spokane early to help me with any last minute things. She and I had fun doing some window shopping for those little wedding details that no one would be any wiser had they not been there. Then we headed up to make jewelry and have lunch with my mom. It was a great afternoon to visit and channel energy into creativity as we shared stories of whatever happened to cross our minds. I am so grateful for that time. It all ended up being very surreal and something I kept tracking back to as the weekend progressed.

This is one of my favorite snaps.
I love their joy.

Later in the evening as I was pulling into the parking lot for rehearsal, I received a call from my dad concerning my mom. She was having chest pains that her nitro pills were being unsuccessful in abating. I have to admit my brain got pretty stuck at that point and .....well you can imagine. I distinctly remember thinking, "oh this is why You told me to enlist Wendy to take charge for the wedding and You kept encouraging me to let go and let her lead it all." As the rehearsal progressed, I prayed for my mom with this weird mixture of power and denial.

My Nana

God always shows me that He can handle more than I imagine and this was no exception. I wanted to be there for my mom. I have always been the one to break down the doctor jargon and be family liaison. But I knew it would break her heart to think I missed rehearsal because of her. So at rehearsal I stayed and kept reminding myself that God is a good task master and He is in charge.  I knew that I knew that I knew....I would see her later.

Remember that thought of ......who gets done with wedding prep tasks 3 days early? Now I see why. The day before the wedding was split multiple times between hospital tests, visiting out of town guests, talking with the doctor, lunch with family, hospital visit and explaining to family, dinner with guests. If I were to hear someone else relive that day; I would be in shock at it all. But I was fine for God did it all. Yes I was tired and emotional. Yes I sat on my bed and cried out to God at the huge volley of complete joy and complete despair sitting in my hands. But God helped me compartmentalize and hold each task at its appointed time.

4 generations

It reminded me greatly of being with Daddy and caring for him for that whole year. Times of intense trial bring on clarity. It is a conundrum of clarity that makes a person rely on God and peel away the extra things that do not matter. It becomes a very precious time that holds great value as heart pain is embraced.  

 The wedding day is a treasure to hold in my heart for so many reasons. Family near and far came to celebrate and honor Pippin & Poet - Rachell & Joshua. My mom was released from the hospital 3 hours before the ceremony and was able to attend! My Nana was able to attend. She is 87 years young and with her advancing dementia, I imagine the wedding my very well be the last event she is ever able to be part of.

 Now, it has been just over a week. The kids (will I ever stop calling them that?) are now back from Mexico and so cute together in their new married ways. I went to their apartment yesterday to watch them open presents and they were adorable.

My mom is doing well. There are a lot of doctors visits and tests ahead but it will all be handled in God's timing.

Gary and I also went away for a few days to recoup. It was good to be on the beach and focus on each other without other things pulling for our attention.

And one more thing to share.......
Our Puddin' girl is finishing up her first year of photography in college and is having so much fun. These days in a photography program one has to know everything from using old style film to manipulating layers of photos digitally. Below is one of her final projects. She had to use key things like vanishing point, blending modes and self portrait.

Oh my gosh we are so proud of her talent and creativity!

Papa God, I celebrate You. Thank You for always being here, being our guide, our wisdom, strength and sustaining force that is greater than anything else in the universe. Thank You for the celebration of unity. And thank You for your love.

The Rain Is Coming

Ecclesiastes 3 says:

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven:
A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted,
A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build up,
A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones together, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
A time to get and a time to lose, a time to keep and a time to cast away,
A time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak,
A time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

As I sit here this morning reading the above passage, I am struck and comforted at God's pairing of everything with its opposite. It reminds me that not only do things change but they become their 180 degree balance.

I could spend time right now going into a deep explanation of this current season but it seems irrelevant. We all carry the amount that God knows we can handle with His strength. Details don't matter. The truth is that I am grateful for seasons. The hard ones help me focus and the easy ones help me to be grateful.

Suffice it to say this is a harder season. But as promised, God is always here.
The other night as I was falling to sleep, I had a dream. It was an interesting image to say the least and it makes me laugh sometimes, but it has been in the foremost of my mind ever since.

In my dream, I was standing in a dry field and behind me was a chicken coop. The coop was on fire. Smoke was billowing out of every crevice while flames jumped in abandon and chickens were squawking up a storm. There were people running around crazy like the sky was falling. They were crying, screaming, pulling their hair and even running into the side of the chicken coop in their crazed state. The interesting thing is all those people were "me". They all looked like me, dressed like me, sounded like me and felt like me. (Dreams are funny that way.)

Then my dream view went back to the first me that was standing in the middle of the field surrounded by all of the craziness. Time slowed down, I could even hear the sound of time slowing and it tuned out the other sounds of panic and catastrophe behind me. I saw sweat beads rolling down my face in slow motion. Then I closed my eyes, shook my head from side to side and willed myself to say, "I will not run around crazy like that. I refuse. I can smell the rain coming. It's in the air. I can smell the rain and we are going to be okay. It is all going to be okay."

That is all I remember of the dream but it talks to me as I go through my days. I keep hearing this whisper and echo, "the rain is coming.......it's coming.......the rain is coming". Sometimes, like right now, it catches in my chest and makes my steps stall because I hear it so soundly. It vibrates in my heart.

Yesterday when I opened the door to go outside, I actually smelled rain in the air.

Can you smell it? Do you know it's coming? It IS coming. That smell only happens when the heavens are swelling from the fullness of it all and the rain is about to spill over the edge. That smell.....it is such a unique smell; as if the dirt is stirring and wanting to run away from the fact that the ground is about to change.

God I breathe it in and embrace it. Thank You for Your promise of rain, Your promise of change, Your promise of steadfastness, strength, hope and destiny that cannot be stolen away. 



*3/27/13 Post note; I was sharing this dream with a friend last night and having fun talking about all the different ways God speaks to us. Through her sharing with me my thoughts lit on a new twist to my thinking. I wonder if the smell of rain is the earth celebrating the expectation and anticipation of the refreshing life water.....

They Are Engaged!....

From the beginning of their relationship, they both laid the ground rules that neither were looking for a hang out buddy. Neither wanted to invest their hearts into a relationship that would spiral into a 'burn out waste of time' just for the sake of not being single. For the last year they have supported and encouraged one another as they live their daily lives and talk frankly about their future. Even still; she had no idea when she suggested they spend a beautiful Saturday at the beach that he had a surprise up his sleeve.


For us, one evening in the end of May while she was still at work, The Poet came over and had 'the talk' with my husband. We have been bursting with excitement ever since as we give each other knowing glances and adjust to the idea that our precious baby girl is no longer a lil' girl.  

God reminded me of something a couple of weeks ago that made me catch my breath. He put a scene in my mind of the first conversation I ever had with The Poet. I introduced myself to him at church and was enjoying getting to know him. Our conversation revolved around his passions of God, job and school. As I stood there talking and listening, in my head I said, "Papa God, this guy is amazing. There is a wealth of gold in him that You are fashioning." 
God replied, "Yes I know there is. I made him that way and brought him here for her (He named my daughter)".
My instant thought was that I must have heard wrong. At that time, The Poet had an idea he might be moving to Florida for school and I had never pictured my daughter moving to Florida.....so I must have heard wrong. Besides, she was planning to be single for a long time since her dreamy check list she wrote and prayed over for a future husband had very specific criteria.
So I dismissed that mental conversation as something I heard wrong and never gave it another thought......until now.

Breathe....

 My breathing and saving thought right now.......

Today is a new day. And in that is hope, joy, peace, grace and a fresh spiritual atmosphere because God is always doing something even when we can't put our finger on it.

Thank You God. Oh how we need You.