72 Hours.....

Sunday night my mom's little girl dog became very ill. An emergency visit led us to finding out she developed a sudden case of Addison's Disease. After much worry and big vet bills we were able to bring her home yesterday with a new plan for daily diet and monthly medication that will help her to live and long and happy life. I am so grateful. That precious little fuzzball brings my mom so much joy.

Monday Pippin and I made the hour drive to look at a car for sale at the same dealership where Hubby and I bought last December. It ended up being an all day event but well worth it. Our "friends" at the dealership did us fair and honest in giving our daughter a good deal for her first big purchase. I am excited for her and tinged around the edges with that odd parental feeling of seeing my little girl grow up jsut a bit more as she takes those "rights of passages" steps to full adulthood.

Last night our foster son came back to touch base with us after being out of contact for a while. He has hit bottom (hopefully) and has been clean for 2 days. He sat with me last night crying at the realization of his choices affecting his life as well as others who love him. He made the first phone call last night to checking himself into an inpatient treatment program and then slept on our couch feeling safe for the first time in a long time. I played worship music all night and prayed over him to stave away the nightmares and withdrawals.

Today I pray for straight answers and strength for him as he follows through with the next steps. I pray he can get into a program quickly.

Last night and this morning was also a time for young teenage drama with friends of my youngest daughter. Multiple phone calls with cries of 'Mama Julie this......' and 'Mama Julie that....' left me frustrated. I love them and I know they are only trying to wrap their heads around what they are capable of. But goodness all I wanted to do was scream 'Get over yourself! Enough with your petty self serving attitude! There is so much more to life than your small event!'
But that serves nothing but my own emotions. Nothing ever gets better by lashing out in emotion.

So here I am focusing on this thought.......Breathe in for it is a new day and new days bring new hope and renewed expectation.

Thank You God that I don't have to do things in my own strength but can look to You to tackle anything that comes my way. Thank You that You are in charge and Your plan and promise says "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jeremiah 29:11)

This song has been my constant for the past few days. In my head, in each breath, as my thoughts drift in sleep.....this is what I hear........

I pray that wherever you are, no matter what you are doing, you know that you are loved and special. You have a purpose and a destiny that no one and nothing can take away from you. You have an amazing identity filled with love and joy and celebration.

Hephzibah......

Have you ever wanted to do something but held yourself back because of how you thought people would react to your decision?
I have. Honestly it was a battle with my own self as much as it was a battle in how I thought others would be.
But no more. I did what I have desired to do for a good four years.

I got a tattoo.
Excited? Strange? Curious? Shocked?   It is okay. You are probably wearing one of those emotions right now. I know because they are feelings that I have worn as I have thought through the idea of actually getting one.

Over the years I have thought about what I wanted to do with a tattoo and then chastised myself for wanting something that is "meant" for those young people. I worked through the fears of the pain inflicted and the scoffing of how it would change shape along with my body in age.

Two months ago my daughter got one and I was thrilled for her, excited that she followed through in what she wanted, blessed at the spiritual significance she gave it, and a little jealous that she wore it so well. Still I vacillated back and forth. I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it. I just had to get the guts to do it.

I woke up this past Monday morning and decided that was it. Do it or let go of it but stop going back and forth looking at it as a "some day" kind of thing.

It is still in the process of healing but I couldn't wait any longer to share.
It is small but carries great significance to me. No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It is a word, but it is not written in English. It is written in Hebrew. I took it from Isaiah 62:4 and is translated to say "Hephzibah" which means "My delight is in her". I put it on my right wrist because of Isaiah 41:13 which says, "For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!"
And I chose to make it a single pink color instead of the typical green or black tattoos you most often see because pink is a spiritual color of joy and celebration.

I was shocked with myself when getting it. I have thought myself pretty forward thinking and try so hard to have convictions that are scriptural based and not people based. Still, I surprised myself when I was sitting in the chair waiting for the artist to begin. I was super nervous at what it was going to feel like and of course incredibly excited at doing what I have wanted for so long. Adrenaline was coursing through my body like crazy. I thought, "Oh my gosh I have to calm down or I won't be able to keep still". So I thought I had better pray to calm down. I started to pray and then a voice in my head said, "Why are you asking God for help? He isn't going to listen to you. You are getting a tattoo. Shame on you."

I had no idea I still had such a silly notion still floating around inside my head.


I was taken back for a second and paused in prayer before recognizing it for what it was and said, "Good grief that it sad. Shut up religious spirit. God isn't a law god and me getting a tattoo doesn't close His ears or take away His love." 

God loves people for who they are in their hearts, not what they look like in skin and clothing.

I'd like to save up my money and do another tattoo sometime in the next few months. I'd like to do something small and delicate on the side of my foot.

Okay, I'd love to discuss this more but I want badly to get this posted before I leave for church this morning.
Thank you for sitting with me and listening.

God bless your day and feel His joy all around.

Proud and Blessed....

This morning Pippin came out of her room rubbing the sleep out of her eyes as she readied herself for work. Her first in the list of preparations was to come over and give me a snuggle. I happened to be in just the right spot that my ear landed on her heart when she pulled me close and it blessed me so. I heard her heart go from a fast rap-a-tap beat to a slow rhythm as she took in a sigh and relaxed into my arms. Moments like that are simply priceless.

~~~~~

I just have to be a proud grandma and she the new pictures we received in the mail. Goodness these kiddos are growing up fast.  They are working on getting pictures of the baby to us. Here is what we have so far....

Kobe, our intellectual

age 10 years old

Brynn, our diva ballerina

age 6 1/2 years old

Renner,  our open hearted cuddle-bug

age 3 1/2 years old

Abbigail, our sweet quiet observer

age 16 months

I couldn't decide which picture of Abbigail to post. 

I had 5 to choose from and both of these are favorites of mine.

 ~~~~~

I must run for now and get started with my day. There is tons of grocery shopping to do. Then tonight we are headed downtown for a hip-hop concert. Yes me at a hip-hop concert. We have the privilege of having an amazing young man in our church who has quite the talent and we are going tonight to be supportive of him. I must admit, his songs are addictive. 

Spring Break, Birthday and Love....

I am sorry I haven't been around and made you wonder. Days just sort of piled up together and have found myself avoiding fun computer things in lieu of paperwork, phone calls and daily home chores.  At the end of the day when I lay my head on the pillow I think, "I sure need to find some time to write" and "I wonder how my blogger friends are." But then the next day starts off all over again.  Again I am so sorry I made you wonder.

It is Spring Break here and my girls....one is thrilled at being able to sleep in and go window shopping with friends while the other is picking up extra hours at work and doing all night dvd sessions with her friend visits from Seattle.

They all left at 10pm last night to watch a movie at "Raph's" house so that my hubby could have uninterrupted sleep here. It wasn't too long until they were sending me text messages to keep me in stitches even while not at home. Here is what one of them said,

"Terribly sorry, dear mother, but sister seems to have left her telephone inside our lovely home. If you are in need of contacting us for any precarious reason, please call me instead of my dear sister."

Yeah....they are goofy and fun that way.

My brother seems to be healing just splendidly.  He has taken to watching Angel-girl alone now and says he can handle all the aspects of tending to their almost 20 month old blessing without aide until he is fit enough to go back to work.

Mind you, that does not leave me twiddling my thumbs. I have put my hands to use in helping different people and ministries in my church. I have been organizing meals for those in need, being 'Mama Julie' to all who desire and have also been blessed with the pleasure and honor of helping to launch something of a counseling ministry.

I truly am having fun and feeling like I am doing something worthwhile.

For months after we stopped home schooling I felt at a loss of knowing where I was supposed to step next. Then came the year of taking care of my father. Once I came home from that, it was a scary thing to commit to anything and I wanted to hide behind my curtains every day. My heart felt empty and there was nothing to give to anyone. It was only the truth of my belief that got me out of bed every day. Now that empty feeling is gone and I feel my wells filling back up ready to bless and encourage.

Today is Hubby's birthday. Part of me can't help but remember that this time last year I had just gotten home for a quick visit from taking care of Daddy and we were giggling around a table at Claim Jumper celebrating  our time. Daddy had sent me home with money for the dinner so that in his own way he could feel a part of things even though he was so far away. That is the way he was in all things.

Anyway, Hubby and I went to Roadhouse for our favorite yummy salads and of course we couldn't deny the heavenly sweet and warm dinner rolls that our waitress set on our table.  We giggled the evening away and shot peanuts at each other when we thought no one was looking.  When our waitress showed up at the table with co-workers, happy birthday dessert and a song that attracted the whole restaurant Hubby said I was in trouble.  Sure......we shall see.

Our sweet waitress had a story of her own. I got the impression with her first visit to our table that something was amiss and her heart was down. I let her do her thing and then asked her if she was having a good night. She said it was okay. I responded with a smile and a knowing comment of not completely believing her (in love). She then set her notepad down and half looked like she was going to sit down next to me as she opened up about her day.

To some it may have been a day that was of little consequence, but to her it mattered and that means to God it mattered as well. I let her talk it out and gave her the reassurring words that I thought appropriate for the small amount of time she had. She smiled and thanked me and even patted my shoulder as she walked off to the next table. I thought it was amazing that she reached out like that to a stranger and crossed the boundaries of physical touch.

As hubby and I played and ate, I kept asking God if there was anything I could say or do to help her along. Towards the end of the evening she brought us to-go boxes and seemed to hover at our table for an extra second and I knew that was my opportunity. I called her by name and said, "Can I just tell you that you are such a blessing. You have such a tender and soft heart. The very fact that your situation hurts your heart today is a testament to how much compassion you have. You are so amazing and special!"

Had no one ever told her she is special before?
I don't know her background but she stuttered an awkward thank you and then lunged past the table to give me a big hug that lasted a long time as she fought back tears.

Thank You God for the opportunity to share Your love with Haley.

I pray for Your encouraging blessings and presence to be on and around her.

When we got home tonight, Puddin' surprised her dad with a birthday video that she made today in his honor. She said I could share it here so here is the video and a link as well if it ends up that I can't figure Blogger too well.

 Happy Birthday Daddy! 2011

 God bless you today and know how greatly you are loved!

What Is In A Prayer........

I visited my brother a couple of days ago before the cold icy weather hit our area. He was doing well and felt encouraged by his new doctor. It turns out that the new doctor wants to wait a couple of more weeks before determining the need for surgery on the 4 broken places of his collar bone. I did some research last night on the web to clarify answers for questions we have had concerning the whole situation. I never realized what an interesting bone it is to heal and how rarely surgeries are performed. So here I am learning more medical information and feeling with even greater awe at the amazing ways God made our bodies.

While visiting, my brother and I got on the subject of God and prayer. We began discussing miracles that I had witnessed recently and then our own hindrances in prayer. As we talked, I felt a rise in my emotions as waves of panic and fear set into me.
Maybe you too can relate to the feelings that hit me. Or maybe you are confused with the why and how I could have such a quandary over a simple conversation.  Let me explain.

As we sat there talking I became acutely aware that I had not prayed for my brother. Sure, I had prayed with him over the phone when he first fell but that was different.  I wanted to pray for his healing and not just his emotional peace but I hadn't. Praying for someone is a vulnerable and transparent way to share heart and display value of one another. I have always been open with my brother and we have carried a close relationship our whole lives. I wanted to give him that part of my love that shines through prayer...but something was holding me back.

A comment was made in our conversation that according to 1 Corinthians 12 the gift of being able heal others is only given to certain people. I said no and explained that it is something that we can all do. When we have a relationship with God we have the complete Holy Spirit in us and a "now" connection to heaven. It is a matter of faith and belief. Jesus talks in the Bible about the faith of the mustard seed and that we can do so much more if only we believe. I suggested that hearing and seeing stories of people being healed when they go to certain places is because of a heightened level of expectation that raises more faith and belief. Sure, some people are able to bring healing to people quickly but it is not necessarily because they are "chosen" and more because their faith and belief leaves no room for doubt in their mind. 

That thought challenged me even more as in a time span that seemed to go on forever I battled the thought provoking shame that wanted to cripple me. "Tisk tisk....shame on you. How little you are that you dare not share what you SAY you believe in with someone you know feels the same way. You SAY you love your little brother and you have prided yourself in always protecting him. Now we see the truth. You aren't even strong enough to do this one thing."

Oh my goodness how the satan loves to get in our heads and twist things around so we are incapacitated. God is the author of love not shame.

Despite my own self doubt, I could not help but ask myself the heart burning questions at hand, "What is the lie I am believing right now and what is the truth I need to see?"  My mind raced through the things that I know and the things I have seen.

Am I making up what I want to believe?
No, I have seen blind people see, deaf people hear, crippled people become straight and broken hearted find hope.

Did I worry that my brother would think me a nut for believing in prayer?
No, he believes the same. And even if he didn't I have often found myself in position of discussing God's love with complete strangers.

Did I feel less than because I prayed for Daddy to be healed and he then died from his cancer?
No, God heals in different ways and for Daddy it was the many layers of his emotional heart that received the healing.

Have I ever been a part of someone being healed?
Yes, my mother-in-law was healed just by us praying over the phone with over a thousand miles between us.

Have other people I know personally been healed?
Pippin was healed. Last week a guy I know had his multi-fractured foot miraculously healed. A friend's chronic sinus infection, another friend's severe milk allergy, another friend's slipped disc and so many more. I was even healed from severe complete laryngitis by the simple prayer of a child.

Then a new thought crept into my mind. What if I pray and the bones don't go back together? Then I would be responsible for lifting his hope and then dashing it to the ground.
But the truth is that it is my responsibility to walk out my faith and belief. It is God's responsibility to know the will and timing of everything that happens.

I couldn't take it any longer and I just had to pray. The things that I know to be true out weighed the fears holding me captive and I had to press through. I didn't say anything grand for God does not care about big words or descriptive spinning sonnets. God only cares about seeing our hearts. Nothing drastic happened after we prayed together but I felt that we had both gained ground in what we shared with each other and in our relationship with God.

I wanted to stay longer after that but had to get out the door and drive through the 45 minutes of traffic that separates our neighborhoods. So we hugged and promised to check with each other over the phone that night.
A few hours later he called me to say, "Sister thank you so much for praying and sharing with me today. After you left I was so encouraged. It was the first time since my fall that I felt I could do anything with my arm. I got down on the floor and played for a bit with my daughter and our golden retriever. It felt so good to remember what it is like to do some things for myself instead of being so dependent and scared. Thank you."

Daddy God, I thank You for being such an encourager, for giving me a brother that encourages me to say 'why not'. Thank You for being the truth that shines through and resonates in my heart even when I am scared of my own self. Thank You for never giving up on me as I stumble along. And thank You that You always listen, always hear, always love and always give just what we need.


(post note: published on stirmyfaith.com)