Spring Break, Birthday and Love....

I am sorry I haven't been around and made you wonder. Days just sort of piled up together and have found myself avoiding fun computer things in lieu of paperwork, phone calls and daily home chores.  At the end of the day when I lay my head on the pillow I think, "I sure need to find some time to write" and "I wonder how my blogger friends are." But then the next day starts off all over again.  Again I am so sorry I made you wonder.

It is Spring Break here and my girls....one is thrilled at being able to sleep in and go window shopping with friends while the other is picking up extra hours at work and doing all night dvd sessions with her friend visits from Seattle.

They all left at 10pm last night to watch a movie at "Raph's" house so that my hubby could have uninterrupted sleep here. It wasn't too long until they were sending me text messages to keep me in stitches even while not at home. Here is what one of them said,

"Terribly sorry, dear mother, but sister seems to have left her telephone inside our lovely home. If you are in need of contacting us for any precarious reason, please call me instead of my dear sister."

Yeah....they are goofy and fun that way.

My brother seems to be healing just splendidly.  He has taken to watching Angel-girl alone now and says he can handle all the aspects of tending to their almost 20 month old blessing without aide until he is fit enough to go back to work.

Mind you, that does not leave me twiddling my thumbs. I have put my hands to use in helping different people and ministries in my church. I have been organizing meals for those in need, being 'Mama Julie' to all who desire and have also been blessed with the pleasure and honor of helping to launch something of a counseling ministry.

I truly am having fun and feeling like I am doing something worthwhile.

For months after we stopped home schooling I felt at a loss of knowing where I was supposed to step next. Then came the year of taking care of my father. Once I came home from that, it was a scary thing to commit to anything and I wanted to hide behind my curtains every day. My heart felt empty and there was nothing to give to anyone. It was only the truth of my belief that got me out of bed every day. Now that empty feeling is gone and I feel my wells filling back up ready to bless and encourage.

Today is Hubby's birthday. Part of me can't help but remember that this time last year I had just gotten home for a quick visit from taking care of Daddy and we were giggling around a table at Claim Jumper celebrating  our time. Daddy had sent me home with money for the dinner so that in his own way he could feel a part of things even though he was so far away. That is the way he was in all things.

Anyway, Hubby and I went to Roadhouse for our favorite yummy salads and of course we couldn't deny the heavenly sweet and warm dinner rolls that our waitress set on our table.  We giggled the evening away and shot peanuts at each other when we thought no one was looking.  When our waitress showed up at the table with co-workers, happy birthday dessert and a song that attracted the whole restaurant Hubby said I was in trouble.  Sure......we shall see.

Our sweet waitress had a story of her own. I got the impression with her first visit to our table that something was amiss and her heart was down. I let her do her thing and then asked her if she was having a good night. She said it was okay. I responded with a smile and a knowing comment of not completely believing her (in love). She then set her notepad down and half looked like she was going to sit down next to me as she opened up about her day.

To some it may have been a day that was of little consequence, but to her it mattered and that means to God it mattered as well. I let her talk it out and gave her the reassurring words that I thought appropriate for the small amount of time she had. She smiled and thanked me and even patted my shoulder as she walked off to the next table. I thought it was amazing that she reached out like that to a stranger and crossed the boundaries of physical touch.

As hubby and I played and ate, I kept asking God if there was anything I could say or do to help her along. Towards the end of the evening she brought us to-go boxes and seemed to hover at our table for an extra second and I knew that was my opportunity. I called her by name and said, "Can I just tell you that you are such a blessing. You have such a tender and soft heart. The very fact that your situation hurts your heart today is a testament to how much compassion you have. You are so amazing and special!"

Had no one ever told her she is special before?
I don't know her background but she stuttered an awkward thank you and then lunged past the table to give me a big hug that lasted a long time as she fought back tears.

Thank You God for the opportunity to share Your love with Haley.

I pray for Your encouraging blessings and presence to be on and around her.

When we got home tonight, Puddin' surprised her dad with a birthday video that she made today in his honor. She said I could share it here so here is the video and a link as well if it ends up that I can't figure Blogger too well.

 Happy Birthday Daddy! 2011

 God bless you today and know how greatly you are loved!

What Is In A Prayer........

I visited my brother a couple of days ago before the cold icy weather hit our area. He was doing well and felt encouraged by his new doctor. It turns out that the new doctor wants to wait a couple of more weeks before determining the need for surgery on the 4 broken places of his collar bone. I did some research last night on the web to clarify answers for questions we have had concerning the whole situation. I never realized what an interesting bone it is to heal and how rarely surgeries are performed. So here I am learning more medical information and feeling with even greater awe at the amazing ways God made our bodies.

While visiting, my brother and I got on the subject of God and prayer. We began discussing miracles that I had witnessed recently and then our own hindrances in prayer. As we talked, I felt a rise in my emotions as waves of panic and fear set into me.
Maybe you too can relate to the feelings that hit me. Or maybe you are confused with the why and how I could have such a quandary over a simple conversation.  Let me explain.

As we sat there talking I became acutely aware that I had not prayed for my brother. Sure, I had prayed with him over the phone when he first fell but that was different.  I wanted to pray for his healing and not just his emotional peace but I hadn't. Praying for someone is a vulnerable and transparent way to share heart and display value of one another. I have always been open with my brother and we have carried a close relationship our whole lives. I wanted to give him that part of my love that shines through prayer...but something was holding me back.

A comment was made in our conversation that according to 1 Corinthians 12 the gift of being able heal others is only given to certain people. I said no and explained that it is something that we can all do. When we have a relationship with God we have the complete Holy Spirit in us and a "now" connection to heaven. It is a matter of faith and belief. Jesus talks in the Bible about the faith of the mustard seed and that we can do so much more if only we believe. I suggested that hearing and seeing stories of people being healed when they go to certain places is because of a heightened level of expectation that raises more faith and belief. Sure, some people are able to bring healing to people quickly but it is not necessarily because they are "chosen" and more because their faith and belief leaves no room for doubt in their mind. 

That thought challenged me even more as in a time span that seemed to go on forever I battled the thought provoking shame that wanted to cripple me. "Tisk tisk....shame on you. How little you are that you dare not share what you SAY you believe in with someone you know feels the same way. You SAY you love your little brother and you have prided yourself in always protecting him. Now we see the truth. You aren't even strong enough to do this one thing."

Oh my goodness how the satan loves to get in our heads and twist things around so we are incapacitated. God is the author of love not shame.

Despite my own self doubt, I could not help but ask myself the heart burning questions at hand, "What is the lie I am believing right now and what is the truth I need to see?"  My mind raced through the things that I know and the things I have seen.

Am I making up what I want to believe?
No, I have seen blind people see, deaf people hear, crippled people become straight and broken hearted find hope.

Did I worry that my brother would think me a nut for believing in prayer?
No, he believes the same. And even if he didn't I have often found myself in position of discussing God's love with complete strangers.

Did I feel less than because I prayed for Daddy to be healed and he then died from his cancer?
No, God heals in different ways and for Daddy it was the many layers of his emotional heart that received the healing.

Have I ever been a part of someone being healed?
Yes, my mother-in-law was healed just by us praying over the phone with over a thousand miles between us.

Have other people I know personally been healed?
Pippin was healed. Last week a guy I know had his multi-fractured foot miraculously healed. A friend's chronic sinus infection, another friend's severe milk allergy, another friend's slipped disc and so many more. I was even healed from severe complete laryngitis by the simple prayer of a child.

Then a new thought crept into my mind. What if I pray and the bones don't go back together? Then I would be responsible for lifting his hope and then dashing it to the ground.
But the truth is that it is my responsibility to walk out my faith and belief. It is God's responsibility to know the will and timing of everything that happens.

I couldn't take it any longer and I just had to pray. The things that I know to be true out weighed the fears holding me captive and I had to press through. I didn't say anything grand for God does not care about big words or descriptive spinning sonnets. God only cares about seeing our hearts. Nothing drastic happened after we prayed together but I felt that we had both gained ground in what we shared with each other and in our relationship with God.

I wanted to stay longer after that but had to get out the door and drive through the 45 minutes of traffic that separates our neighborhoods. So we hugged and promised to check with each other over the phone that night.
A few hours later he called me to say, "Sister thank you so much for praying and sharing with me today. After you left I was so encouraged. It was the first time since my fall that I felt I could do anything with my arm. I got down on the floor and played for a bit with my daughter and our golden retriever. It felt so good to remember what it is like to do some things for myself instead of being so dependent and scared. Thank you."

Daddy God, I thank You for being such an encourager, for giving me a brother that encourages me to say 'why not'. Thank You for being the truth that shines through and resonates in my heart even when I am scared of my own self. Thank You for never giving up on me as I stumble along. And thank You that You always listen, always hear, always love and always give just what we need.


(post note: published on stirmyfaith.com)

Music Is a Heavenly Sound....

 

This is my new cello!

I am so excited!

I bought it yesterday from a previous owner. I know it is not a high end super fancy one but I feel confident that she gave me a nice instrument for a fair price. I used a small portion of my inheritance and I feel that Daddy is smiling his excitement.

Oh my.....I just got this flash image of him dancing in heaven with that beautiful heavenly sound everywhere and I can be here making a reflection of that sound............

I begin my lessons with an instructor tomorrow but I couldn't wait that long. I jumped online this morning and found a "lessons 101" website to play around with. It is filled with all sorts of music theory which is great because sight reading has always been a downfall for me.

Aaahhhhhh!!!!! I am so excited!

But I must give attention to some other things today as well.

I had offered to head up a fundraiser for Puddin's advanced choir. They are touring in the spring to Disneyland (rough right?) and need to cover expenses. Today is the day to pick up products and disperse them to customers.  Also we have a conference going on at church this weekend and I am helping to organize host homes for the 18 out of state guest speakers coming.

How can I do everything? I am almost done with it so it is okay. 

Sadly, my brother had a bicycle accident over the weekend and broke his collar bone in 4 places. Consequently, my sister-in-law is off work caring for him and I miss out on having my Angel-girl to chatter with. That gives me a lot of time in the day to do what needs to be done.

How is my brother? He is doing really well. The doctor has his shoulder taped up and says there possibly won't be a need for surgery.  I went to see him yesterday and he really looks good. The swelling is down and I didn't see any discoloration or bruising. God was definitely with him. He didn't have a helmet on when he fell going downhill but there isn't a single scratch on him.

My brother just texted me and asked if I am going to name my cello. He says it is too beautiful an instrument to be called "it".  He is right. I was just pondering that same thought.  Hmmmm.....what to call it.....

"A rose by any other name....."

Blessings to you today!

The Funeral....

Yesterday was Daddy's funeral service. How appropriate that we were able to make arrangements for it to be on Veteran's Day to honor him. The service was beautiful. I have been to a fair amount of funerals in my life for family and friends but none have ever been as difficult as this was. I was completely unprepared and it took me quite a while before I could walk into the room where Daddy's open casket was. Later, I felt the earth spin under my feet when the honor guard presented me with his flag and as the gun volley rang through the air I could feel it echo in my heart.

I am so very tired and find myself stopping in the midst of the simplest task. We are taking a few days to try and help get some things organized with the house and will fly back home on Monday.

Below are the things my brother and I shared during the service. I am so proud of my brother. Before he shared the poem he had written a few years ago, he gave everyone time to think about their relationships with God and the assurance that they too could have access to the strength and comfort that God generously gave to Daddy in this last year.
Here is the poem he wrote....

My Pop

My Pop you should know that I love you so.
You are my friend, my guardian and mentor.
There are so many gifts you've given to me
that I would like to thank you for...

You showed to me what it is to be
Light hearted but not fully a clown.
You taught me how to ride a bike
And to pick myself up when I've fallen down.

I've inherited your laugh and your love of words,
Your vocabulary and your diction,
And even your knack for pausing mid-sentence
..........
To make sure they are still paying attention.

I've been given your walk, your swagger and strut.
Man I got some teasing on that one.
but I just flash 'em your smile and a raise of the eyebrow
And together we all can laugh some.

All this and more you've passed to your son
To mold me into a good man
And I'm proud to be what you've helped me to be
In your image, the man I am.

Here is what I shared.......

I have been trying for days to figure out what I could possibly say that could sum up the life of my daddy. What could I share with you about his character that you don’t already know? How could I put to words the joy and honor of being his little girl for almost 40 years? Even ample use of a thesaurus doesn’t fully give meaning to his determined and unending devotion. And the wealth that I have owned in my relationship with him I have seen magnified over and over again in each of you.

While it pains my heart so greatly to know that I won’t feel those snuggly cuddly papa bear hugs anymore or hear his voice saying, “Good night angel. I love you.” I know that he is in the most amazing place now and I am so happy for him. He is not hurting and he is surrounding by so much joy and love from the amazing star breather and universe creating God that made all of our lives and relationships possible.

Instead I want to share with you a dream that a friend of mine from back home had just before Daddy passed away. This friend never met my daddy but has faithfully prayed for him as well as all of us since the beginning of his sickness. Here is the dream she saw….

Jody's Home-Going

I saw 2 very large angels with gold wing's that nearly touched the ground. There were 2 large gates with 1 angel in back of each gate. The air was tense, like the feeling at a race before the gun goes off, or your team runs on the field. I could tell the gate angels could hardly wait.

A large group of restless people were a short distance from the angels. I did not hear a sound, but I knew when the Lord said "now", in a normal tone - like saying hello if He first met you.

Each gate angel grabbed their gate and threw it wide open. The crowd roared and ran forward. Every person wanted to be the first to hug, shake hands, or pat Jody on the back.

The crowd was so large those toward the back could not see who had arrived. Then people in front started calling back. It's Jody! It's Jody!! It's Jody!! Jody's Home!! Jody's home!! This is as much as I saw, however I have a very strong feeling the party is still going on.

Passing By .......

I miss writing and visiting! But I assure you I have not been sitting around eating bon-bons.
Let me share with you a bit of the happenings around here before I set off to finish the weekend.

Last weekend was my little brother's birthday. He made 34 years old. We had a great celebration with lots of friends around. When it was time to do the cake, I transposed the candle numbers to say 43. He is still young enough that it didn't fool him for an instant.
He decided to make a huge fun ordeal with his cake and.........
well you can see the results for yourself.



I am just about finished with the messy business of canceling our land line and moving our Internet over to the cable company. The 4 of us have cell phones and the only people that call our land line are the bill collectors. (Praise and glory! 9 more months and we will be finished with them!) Canceling the land line saved a small amount of money with the bills and it will add up over time. I hear more and more people are doing their phones that way. So maybe the day will come in a few short years that land line telephones will be on the obsolete list.

Little Kekoa keeps me very busy. He has transitioned now into being secure with his environment. The imaginary tether cord between us is slowly getting longer. He can sleep without me now if he absolutely has to. House training is going well. There are accidents every now and again but I think we are making great progress.
I can't believe how much he has grown in such a short amount of time. Look at his ears standing up now!

He likes to help me around the house. He grabs the colored socks from the laundry basket when I am loading the washer so that I don't accidentally mix up the colored with the whites. He takes the spoons out of the dish washer when I am loading it because he knows I don't like food to dry on them.

Yes he does keep me on my toes. But I love every second of it. Next week I am going to start some simple training with him while he is still young enough to soak it up like a sponge. All I have read says that before they are 20 weeks old they learn like crazy because their hormones haven't kicked in yet.

This weekend is super busy. My step-daughter and her beau are in town so I did her favorite dinner last night...teri-yaki chicken. My mother-in-law also just arrived and will be here for the next three weeks. Tomorrow we are doing it up big at my folks house with lots of food and games for the kids. Wait till you see THOSE pictures.

For now I must go. the girls and I need to do some food shopping as well as clothing for tomorrow. Here is a small quick video of Kekoa for you to enjoy (if you want) with his latest toy.

Update.....

My dad is spending the weekend with my brother so I thought I would grab a minute and sit with you. I know you have wondered every now and again about our time together. I really had no idea just how emotionally drained I would be with this visit. It has all been very good. We are slowly learning one another and getting more comfortable as each day passes. We talk about small things and every day things. We haven't talked at all about the past and I don't know right now just how important that is. Maybe we will one day be able to talk about the past once we have a present together.....or maybe it will never be talked about. Right now I am just trying to soak in every moment I have with him.

I take Dad to the airport early on Wednesday morning. I can't believe that 2 weeks has gone by so quickly. A part of me knows that I will need to give myself room to adjust to him NOT being here and growing from that. But then schedules mercilessly do not stop for our household and more company will be here within a 36 hour window.

Of all the adventures, here are a few quick pictures of the past two weeks that I would like to share with you.

This is Dad with my 2 girls at the end of the Lewis and Clark Trail in Seaside, Oregon.

He loves coffee and knows how much they both love a good white chocolate mocha

so he is sure to buy them each one whenever he sees opportunity to do so.

Around here in the northwest...you know that means quite often.

Here is my (little) brother and I posing for a quick hug in Seaside, Oregon.

He always spoils me with his lavish hugs of attention.

When family gets together....food is always involved.

Dad graciously took us all out to Red Lobster one night for every one's favorite yummies.

Here is Dad and I at Bridal Veil Falls in the Columbia River Gorge.
It is one of my favorite places to sit.

Hubby and I were able to load up and take everyone to Long Beach, Washington
for a few days of rest and splendor. Here is the sunrise that greeted me on my
early morning walk before cooking up pancakes and bacon for everyone.

I can't decide which sunrise picture I like more.
I was out walking and thinking about all of the new emotions and thoughts
in my head when the sun rose and bathed everything in glory.
I couldn't help but think how appropriate and symbolic a view it was
considering all of the newness I am experiencing.

The glow, the patterns of tide in the sand...silly me I didn't even think
of taking my camera on the beach at 6:30 in the morning....
but I had my phone so I clicked away while the scene changed minute by minute.

Some Memories of the Week....

Memories of the past week.....

I took the girls to see the midnight premire of the new Batman movie. When I was picking them up, it was fun to watch all the people coming out of the theater that had dressed up for the occasion. There were Jokers, capped superheroes, and masks everywhere. The only thing I couldn't figure out is why a group of 5 young men walked out carrying tennis rackets.
~~~~

Pippin shared with me one of the many adventures of the Gaggle Beach Week. As the girls were walking along one day, they were stopped by a group of older Harley-type bikers asking where the nearest bar was. What would possess older grown ups to think that a 15, 16, and 17 year old would know the answer to that question? Without missing a beat the girls answered in unison, "Yes", "No", and "I am not sure". Then the girls looked at one another and each pointed in a different direction....north, south, and east for a possible location.
After that, the bikers rode away with perplexed expressions. Maybe they will think twice next time about who they ask for bar directions.
~~~~

Yesterday my 14 year old, Rosie-girl, said "You mean we are picking up pizza AND going up to Grandma's house? This is such a cool day!"
~~~~~

My brother was hanging up a ceiling fan in the hallway and called to Dad, "Hey this hardware is supposed to be good just the way it is but do you think we should put some nuts right here?"
Before Dad could answer I pipped up with, "It is an idea but those cashews are really too soft I think."
Okay that was about as punny as things could get but I thought my brother was going to fall off the ladder from laughing so hard.
~~~~~

I got the okay to redecorate the front bathroom this week. We live in a manufactured home that has the typical decorative fixtures for this kind of house. That means papered wood looking cabinets and vinyl covered sheet rocked walls. About 10 years ago I decided to decorate the bathroom and try my hand at wallpapering. I hung a deep green marbled wallpaper and accessorised in roses and elegance. It was a fun project and I felt better knowing that I gave it "my personal touch". There was one problem though......steamy bathrooms and vinyl sheet rock aren't conducive for keeping wallpaper hung. Can you picture the scene? It has been a funny sort of eyesore for quite a few years now.

The other day the girls and I set out to rip off all of the existing wallpaper. That was a super easy job. It all came right off with practically no leftovers on the wall. My supplies were great too. I wanted a textured wall and figured I would have to learn the art of 'orange peel'. But the wonderful assistant I had at the local 'everything builders' store showed me a product that I could mix with my paint to get the texture while painting. Yahoo! Two steps in one. I liked that idea because whenever I start a project I obsess about it until it is completed.

In picking out my current decorative taste, I sought the help of my girls. They are as different as night and day and so much fun for me. My ever practical Pippin said, "Whatever you like will look good Mom. Besides, it is a bathroom. How much can a bathroom be decorated anyway?"
My artistic Rosie-girl on the other hand did her best to find complimentary colors and what would feel just right. The problem with that is I love flowers and she doesn't. Well, she thinks they don't belong in a bathroom anyway. In the end I chose what I wanted and she helped me pick the paint to match. Ultimately she said, "Mom you do what you want but all of these flowers are really going to make it look like an old lady's bathroom."
(note here that nothing bad is meant by this term. 'Old lady' and 'Mom-ish' are terms that I throw around for myself when I am seeking to clarify if I am decorating, dressing, or acting not my age.)

Now the front bathroom is a cheery spring sky blue. The shower curtain is a light and airy blend of morning glories, butterflies, calalilies, and dragonflies. There is one small corner that needs my hubby's touch....sheet rock that rotted out from water build up. Once he is able to replace that small section then I can finish painting and have a 'new' room.
I have tried to take pictures but it is such a narrow room that I haven't been happy with anything shot. I even tried the 'What would David at Authorblog do?' approach but still didn't get a result I liked. I guess if you are really curious, you will just have to come visit.

Jack Frost Nipping At Our Noses....

Here is a picture of the top of Mt Hood peaking through the clouds.


Our youth snow day was a huge success!

At first, our plans were to hike out into a wilderness area with all of our tubing and heater equipment to in essence, carve out a name for ourselves. However, 24 hours prior to departure, we opted for one of the local recreational facilities. After all, why re-invent the wheel? I am so glad we chose Plan B.

Leaders and youth alike had huge smiles on their faces throughout the whole day as they rode the tow rope up and slid all the way down. Friendly competition was the name of the game as each one tried a more zany way of tube riding form. The most sought after position was being able to ride "knee surfing" style with hands in the air. Wipe outs and giggles were inevitable. My brother had brought along a bag full of crazy hats and wigs to aid in the play. I must admit that at first I thought it sort of a silly idea. But here I am to admit I was completely wrong. The more goofy the youth could make their head gear the better. It became part of the sport to see if their ridiculous head dress could stay on their heads at higher speeds and bigger bumps. Then if it was lost on the course, the finder became the new victor.

Speaking of competition, I got out there quite a few times myself. I had been looking forward to the idea of snow play and figured that if I could do an 800 foot zip line then I could certainly handle the fun of snow tubes. Then the ever present voice of sacrificial motherhood started to creep into my head. I figured I would pay for my family to have fun and sacrifice my thrill for the sake of money. That was a short lived thought however when one 17 year old from our group said, "It's a good thing that they have heated tents out here because I just don't picture the grown ups being out in the snow very much."

Yeah...that was all it took for my stubborn self to over ride the mother martyr in me. As I rode the slopes, I laughed, giggled, bounced, and caught air with the best of them.

As I handled my 4WD back down the mountain, I looked in the rear view mirror at the 7 sleeping ones in my charge and thought this will definitely have to be a yearly trip.

A rare sighting of the illusive snow bunny!

Heart Journey....

Wednesday
Our flights were uneventful. LAX was super crowded and unorganized. (The most horrid thing I heard on the intercom was a ticket counter agent saying, "If you are in need of wheelchair assistance please come up to the counter.") My brother and I used our time making each other laugh. We also talked a lot about ways we could help the family in San Antonio while dealing with our own emotions at the same time.
Dad was waiting for us as we walked to the baggage claim area. We walked right up to him before he realized we were there. He had been zoning. Understandable considering he had just lost his wife of 23 years to long term cancer. He hugged us and cried.
All the way to the house, he talked as he drove.....about the final days. It was as if he had to get it out, sort it all out...for our sake and for his. Dad had never been much of a talker around me so I just let him talk...for my sake and for his.


Thursday
Family in and out. Hugs and tears. We all agree that it is good to see each other but are so sad for the circumstances.
We all became siblings as teenagers, his two to her three, when our parents married in 1985. My brother actually lived with them for a while but I only visited in the summer. We care about each other and have a few memories together, but really lead completely separate lives. Maybe it is just me, but at times I feel so alienated.
All the same, I am determined to be strength for my father.
The viewing was long....I felt at first that 4 hours would be too long. But as I watched people thru the evening I saw that they all needed that time. They needed the time to find the acceptance for closure with a woman that touched so many lives.
Over and over I saw young people embrace my father and call him "Grandpa". And as I have seen for years, my step-siblings lean on my father for support and give him all credit for being the only male figure in their lives that shaped and changed their lives for the good.
I find myself swimming in 2 thoughts simultaneously. I mourn that our relationship and that of my children looks nothing like theirs, but at the same time I feel pride in seeing how amazing and compassionately he has affected so many people.


Friday
Today was the funeral. Again and again I am told how grateful people are that my brother and I are here for our father. They tell us how happy it makes him. I find myself bracing with even more determination to be a quiet strength for my father.....to stay by his side so that in some way I can will comfort and peace into him.
It didn't work out that way though, at least not the way I had envisioned. My step-brother came over and asked my father to sit with them, her children, in the front row. That was a direction that I hadn't prepared for....not being able to be by his side. Intellectually, logically, compassionately...I knew that he had every right and reason to be there with them. He belonged there as the father figure and husband. He needed to be with the people that had walked through the whole long cancer battle with him...the people that would still be in his day to day life to pick up the pieces after I am not around.
But the little girl in me recoiled from the heart slap. I felt the rejection all over again. I wanted to cry out that it wasn't fair to be robbed of that too.
As I sat there listening to the chaplain, God was reminding me of the other times that I have been able to share with my father. HE reminded me of the amazing father figure I have in my mother's husband. Most importantly, HE reminded me that HE, My God, is my forever father that always understands the condition of my heart and never gets stretched thin in His love.
I got up and shared a memory of my father's wife. There were things I couldn't say and things I should have said but couldn't think of while standing there in front of everyone. But I did share about a conversation we had a couple of years ago that God orchestrated to assure me of her eternal peace.
After the service, my father introduced me to several people. Each time, I heard the pride in his voice and saw the gleam in his eyes that showed the devotion that he can never find the words for.
Now that the funeral is finished, tomorrow people will start the long task of rebuilding their lives. My brother and I will be looking for ways to help in the remaining two days that we have here.


Saturday
We sat around for a leisurely breakfast while talking and reminiscing. It was time for people to start heading back into their daily lives today. There was unspoken hesitation all around in not wanting to leave the safety umbrella where hearts and emotions had stopped the reality of time. From here on out, reality would create new memories, memories that don't include her. At times, that is too painful to grasp.
My father has been using today to gather up memorabilia that he has had marked for me for years...things that he just never got around to giving to me. One item is a cookbook that was created by my precious grandmother and her 3 sisters. In the inside cover, these ladies had written personal dedications to me when I was but barely a year old (December 1971). It touched me so greatly and oh how I cried.
My brother and I found various things to do around the house today that we hope will bless our father.
We spent the later evening with him eating pie, watching a movie, and joking around. It was good to just sit, with no agenda, and be ourselves.

Sunday
Again family hung around for a majority of the day today. Maybe they were around because of my brother and I, maybe they were there for my father, or maybe both. It doesn't matter the reason. It is all part of moving on.
My step-sister's dog died today. She wanted him to be buried in my father's back yard with the other loved animals. My brother graciously took on the burial task so that our father would not have the burden.
A cousin took us out to dinner this evening. She too said how wonderful it was for us to be here for our father and how things can only get better from here.
Dealing with the death of a loved one always makes people evaluate and adjust their priorities.

Monday
We will be flying out shortly for home. I find that there are so many things that have been left unsaid, but now is not the time. It was so hard to say goodbye to my father.
When will I see him again?
Does he truly understand what it took for me to make this trip in my heart?
Or is it even important for him to understand?

What matters is that I did make the trip......and I am glad that I did.
From here on out, it is all brand new.

He Is What He Is....

I've written brief segments about him before. Younger than me by 4 1/2 years, he has always been a light in my life. He has a positive outlook on things and always seeks to do right by people. Being the eternal optomist, people are basically good in his eyes at all times. It is a refreshing and encouraging attitude to be around.

As kids, I of course lorded over him with authority like every older sibling is prone to do. Still, he was always right there beside me, sometimes to encourage and sometimes to torture as only a little brother can do. On the whole though, I'd say we grew up close to each other. Sure there was the occasional, "geez would you shut up already!" but never the wordy violent dialog that Hollywood tends to portray in siblings.

Even as my little brother, he was my valiant protector. As young as 10 years old, it was normal to find his short, pudgy, frekle faced self scanning over my new boyfriends and pulling them aside to let them know he would break their kneecaps if they hurt me.

When I turned 18 and got married, he was the "DJ with the Most-est". For me he took off his giant golden chain with self made initals (didn't every boy on the 80s want to be a rapper?). He combed back his hair and even donned a tie for the occasion.
After that, we didn't see much of each other. The military sent me away to the far corners of the globe as the dotting and supportive wife while he plowed through all those rough teen years....junior high and high school and even gaining a good 12 inches in height before I next saw him. Adulthood found him in the military globe-trotting around and then settling down in Florida for a bit to figure out who he wanted to be (ah the age old question of all people).

About 4 or 5 years ago (gosh I can't remember) he and his blushing new bride moved up to our area from Florida. How excited we were to have them close by. It was new territory for he and I. We had all kinds of childhood memories to fall back on and were totally devoted to each other, but relating as adults in an everyday world was new ground.
Because of life, schedules, and responsibilities, we haven't been able to spend the amount of time together that we would love to do, but we are able to see each other at least once a month. Our visits always include sitting around Mom's table and laughing over the pun of the hour, or our own versions of name that tune, or discussing the latest movie in revue form as if Siskel and Ebert sought out our opinion.
During these times, I can always depend on certain things happening. Now that he towers over me, he always sweeps me off my feet with the huge bear hug that only his strong and protective arms can do and makes the rest of the world stop in time. He always keeps his eye out on every one in the packed house to make sure they all feel aknowledged and special. And he always eats up being The Uncle for my girls, becoming their personal cheerleader in their life adventures.

Last night, he and his wonderful wife blessed Rosie with her birthday present....accessories for her drum set. They made sure it was all in proper working order for her. Cords and adapters can make my head spin, but it was all a breeze for him. One quick discussion between my brother and my husband and it was all working to the desired goal. (Now she can play music from her mp3 player, and hear the drums and music in her headset. She can also record and use her stereo as an amplifier.)

I teared up watching him "work" last night.
We've come a long way. I don't have anything eloquent to say...no poetry or verse to explain what I am feeling.
I am just so grateful to have my brother.

Work-itis...

Tonight, my brother declared, "I think I should call in sick tomorrow at work. I'll tell them that I am temporarily blind and can't see myself going into work for the day."

A Song By Any Other Name......

Sometimes I get a song stuck in my head. For example, having pina coladas in the rain was all I could think about for a good week after reading this post.

I am never good at remembering titles or even all of the words to a song. But boy I can do well at keeping one or two lines of a chorus circling through my head for days at a time. Other people I know do very well at recalling songs. My pina colada friend seems to always end his posts with some whitty song passage or verse of poetry. How does he do it?
My brother was a dj for quite a number of years at Skybar in Destin, Florida. He is fantastic at playing Name That Tune. He is versed in every genre known...and knows them well. I am envious.

Me, I am plagued with having a small snippet go through my mind for days on end...usually with the words botched up. Currently, can you guess what is in my head after reading this post?