Grieving Is Never Orderly.....

Sometimes I look at my blog and want to write a post but then with this season of my life I think that it seems I either write a string of downers or I pendulum to extremes with highs and lows. I look into my imaginary mirror and think, "Why write then? Who would feel encouraged by reading inconsistencies such as yours?"

That small voice answers, "Who would? Anyone who admits to being human and real would. Just tell the truth and it will make a difference."
So this is me being transparent, not only to sort through my own thoughts but also with hopes of helping others.

I have now been home from Texas for 3 weeks. Looking at that sentence right now feels like a shock as I have gone through my days without equating a real time line to anything until this very moment.

As I have said before, I really have been pretty fine. It is so good to be home. I missed the rain, the trees, cold weather, mountains and most of all my family and friends. But somewhere in the recesses of my mind I have had this gnawing thought chip away at me that I am too fine. I have edged out into doing some activities and social events and truly had a good time doing them. But still.....

Saturday morning I woke and felt like I didn't even want to get out of bed. The girls had their social events planned and I had a day of errands and cooking to accomplish on a deadline. There were things to do and though check lists normally drive me, I had no desire to do anything. Desire or not, things had to be done. So I methodically switched into auto-pilot and check marked off my day. By mid afternoon I felt like I had hit a wall and had to pull the car over to make the world stop spinning.

As I sat there absently watching cars go by, I questioned my fragile state and begged God for answers. I saw the pages of a calendar float by in my mind with different dates check marked and circled. I realized that even before I flew to Texas, my heart with already with my daddy and essentially I have lived this past year physically and mentally in 2 very different places. In one place I was mother, wife, teacher, administrator and organizer. In the other I was daughter and care giver. Both situations were as diverse as the climate and region I resided in.

I have spent the last few weeks with it being relatively easy to block off certain feelings because I am in such a different location. It feels like being with Daddy was a lifetime ago. When I have answered that I am fine to peoples' questions, I wasn't lying. I really was fine. So why is it hard now? It is hard because I need to remember that it hasn't been a long time like my mind wants to quarantine it into being.

I find that really; I do but I don't want to talk about it with most people.....my experience, my daddy, my feelings. I do but I don't want to know how they understand and relate because they lost their parents too. I do and don't want to share because their hurt can't possibly be like my hurt. I know that is not true but it is my first thought all the same.

I know all the truths; that Daddy is in heaven, that he is happy and healthy, that he has no pain and walks with no limp, that he has no confusion, that others comment to being jealous of where he is, that he is in the amazing presence of God and one day I will be there with him. I know all these things and believe it all emphatically. But I don't find it comforting for anyone to tell me those things. I find it only makes my own feels feel squashed and non-valid.

And yet, I have a friend who lost her dad just a few weeks before me and I look forward to talking with her about our dads. Even when I really am fine, her hugs are a welcome relief that I don't want to let go of because there is nothing attached to them but a kindred connection that comes from raw experience. There is safety and comfort in that.

I don't mean to sound that anyone else has less compassion or wrong compassion or fake compassion. It is just hard to have to talk about the same thing over and over again. And yet....if no one asked and expected me to simply move on then that would hurt too wouldn't it?

There is no easy way around it.
4 short weeks ago I was in Texas dealing with hospice's crisis care team moving in as I called family members and watched Daddy struggle through his last days. No matter what truths I know in my heart, mind and spirit; the truth is that I am raw and tired.
It is going to take time for me to balance out and feel real.
In time I will not have to remind myself to get through a day.
In time home will really feel like home with no tentacles spread out in different directions.
In time...

Moving On....

It's been a week since I have written so I wanted to sit down and update things.

Ok I have now erased and started this post over 5 times. God please help me sort this out.

I am glad to be home but feel overwhelmed at the same time. My home is comforting but at the same time it feels claustrophobic for me. My family did so good while I was gone and I feel antsy with trying to find my niche again. For weeks I ate fast food and about a million bowls of cereal while taking care of Daddy. So now my pantry looks like a daunting task as I figure what to feed everyone.

I was so wound up for so long with taking care of Daddy that I am now taking muscle relaxants to make myself let loose. My sleep schedule is finally starting to succumb to not waking every hour as I get used to not needing to administer medication or quell a disillusioned sense of time.

God held my hands and heart while I dealt with being Daddy's care giver, doing everything from bathing him in the middle of the night after an accident to re-teaching him over and over again the simplest of tasks. Now I am trying to find the balance between sorting through it and letting go.

I dream about him. In my dreams I keep trying to convince others that he isn't here anymore but they won't listen to me.

A couple of times I have found myself questioning my actions before I even realize it. If I had pushed his nutrition more would he still be here? Then I throw the thought out with the dirty trash it belongs to, that despicable evil that revels in having us place blame on ourselves and not see God's truth. Daddy's body rejected nutrition and fluids of any sort. Even in his last few days, giving him 10cc of water with his medicine was too much for his lungs to handle.

No, I know I did the best I could. It is just strange to move on after having 9 months of my life on hold, after being with my Daddy and being given time that I never thought I would have in my wildest dreams. It wasn't that long ago that I once thought there would be a day when I would be at Daddy's funeral and no one would know who I was. But reality put me in a place of honor. I went from being the imagined nobody to the daughter receiving his honored memorial flag.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you but it does to me. I think it is amazing how God rescued our relationship so greatly to have us go from barely knowing one another to now. God brought us full circle and redeemed our love to a place of rich honor.

I know not to expect big things of myself right now. I am not going to jump right back into activities and responsibilities. I can't even fathom that next week is Thanksgiving and then the wonderful season of Christmas. I know I need time to just be me and spend lots of time with my loving and compassionate God.

Thank you so much for your encouragements left here in comments and for your prayers offered up to the heavens that never cease to listen.
I pray for you to have an amazing God filled day and that you know beyond doubt you are loved and important.

The Funeral....

Yesterday was Daddy's funeral service. How appropriate that we were able to make arrangements for it to be on Veteran's Day to honor him. The service was beautiful. I have been to a fair amount of funerals in my life for family and friends but none have ever been as difficult as this was. I was completely unprepared and it took me quite a while before I could walk into the room where Daddy's open casket was. Later, I felt the earth spin under my feet when the honor guard presented me with his flag and as the gun volley rang through the air I could feel it echo in my heart.

I am so very tired and find myself stopping in the midst of the simplest task. We are taking a few days to try and help get some things organized with the house and will fly back home on Monday.

Below are the things my brother and I shared during the service. I am so proud of my brother. Before he shared the poem he had written a few years ago, he gave everyone time to think about their relationships with God and the assurance that they too could have access to the strength and comfort that God generously gave to Daddy in this last year.
Here is the poem he wrote....

My Pop

My Pop you should know that I love you so.
You are my friend, my guardian and mentor.
There are so many gifts you've given to me
that I would like to thank you for...

You showed to me what it is to be
Light hearted but not fully a clown.
You taught me how to ride a bike
And to pick myself up when I've fallen down.

I've inherited your laugh and your love of words,
Your vocabulary and your diction,
And even your knack for pausing mid-sentence
..........
To make sure they are still paying attention.

I've been given your walk, your swagger and strut.
Man I got some teasing on that one.
but I just flash 'em your smile and a raise of the eyebrow
And together we all can laugh some.

All this and more you've passed to your son
To mold me into a good man
And I'm proud to be what you've helped me to be
In your image, the man I am.

Here is what I shared.......

I have been trying for days to figure out what I could possibly say that could sum up the life of my daddy. What could I share with you about his character that you don’t already know? How could I put to words the joy and honor of being his little girl for almost 40 years? Even ample use of a thesaurus doesn’t fully give meaning to his determined and unending devotion. And the wealth that I have owned in my relationship with him I have seen magnified over and over again in each of you.

While it pains my heart so greatly to know that I won’t feel those snuggly cuddly papa bear hugs anymore or hear his voice saying, “Good night angel. I love you.” I know that he is in the most amazing place now and I am so happy for him. He is not hurting and he is surrounding by so much joy and love from the amazing star breather and universe creating God that made all of our lives and relationships possible.

Instead I want to share with you a dream that a friend of mine from back home had just before Daddy passed away. This friend never met my daddy but has faithfully prayed for him as well as all of us since the beginning of his sickness. Here is the dream she saw….

Jody's Home-Going

I saw 2 very large angels with gold wing's that nearly touched the ground. There were 2 large gates with 1 angel in back of each gate. The air was tense, like the feeling at a race before the gun goes off, or your team runs on the field. I could tell the gate angels could hardly wait.

A large group of restless people were a short distance from the angels. I did not hear a sound, but I knew when the Lord said "now", in a normal tone - like saying hello if He first met you.

Each gate angel grabbed their gate and threw it wide open. The crowd roared and ran forward. Every person wanted to be the first to hug, shake hands, or pat Jody on the back.

The crowd was so large those toward the back could not see who had arrived. Then people in front started calling back. It's Jody! It's Jody!! It's Jody!! Jody's Home!! Jody's home!! This is as much as I saw, however I have a very strong feeling the party is still going on.

Eternity...

When I posted my previous update a couple of days ago I received many encouragements and comforts via email. One in particular I want to share here is from a friend back home that said:
This morning just as I woke I "saw" the following "picture." Two angel's with very large wings. Each holding on to very large gates. They were looking down the road, waiting to throw the gates wide open for your father. A crowd in back of them is waiting to welcome him home. (I saw this before I saw your email.)

My daddy, always watching over others and wanting to never bring extra attention to his own needs, even had his way in his last moments. For hours into the night myself along with my sister and cousin all stayed by his side holding his hands and soothing him as his body worked to keep doing what it was made to do.
At 12:15am in the single 5 minutes that we stepped out of the room and the nurse went to go get something.....that was the time that he decided ok everyone is occupied. Now I can do what I need to do with no fan fare without anyone fussing over me.

My daddy is now at peace and more healthy and happy than he has been in his entire life. There is no more pain, no more sinus problems, no more stomach irritability, no sore nerves, no arthritis, no nothing.
That has all been replaced with God's unceasing never ending joy in a new body that will never age or break. He is immersed in a beautiful forever atmosphere of perfection the likes of which our imaginations can only grasp the concept of in a minuscule reality. He is with his parents and siblings and wife and most importantly he is with the Creator and Artist who fashioned his life out of love and intense devotion for a purpose far beyond this temporary earthly time.

Those who didn't receive a phone call from me please understand and don't be hurt.
Knowing that our time was short I pushed myself in the things I felt mattered most. Now my body is completely depleted from lack of sleep and my feet and ankles are so swollen I can barely walk. My cousin has devotedly stayed by my side to tend to my needs in all the things I have not the strength or thought process for and I am so grateful. My husband and girls will be flying in tonight and other family is on their way as we begin working out details for the next few days.

Thank you for all your prayers over these last many months.
Thank you....

Here in San Antonio....

(Backing Up Note)

When I last wrote, we had taken a break from all our demands to go hiking for the day on Mt Hood. Picturing that still makes me smile. Once we came back down into civilization things went into high gear and the memorial for my husband's uncle pretty much consumed our week.
Between meeting with our pastor, scheduling a time for him to meet the family, and doing the food shopping for the memorial luncheon; Wednesday came all too quickly.

Because I was blessed with so much help, the long day held many joys and sighs of relief. Puddin', Pippin, Rixxi, the ones that I affectionately have claimed as "my boys", and a friend from church all rolled up their sleeves to be my extended hands in preparing service and food for 60 people. There was always at least one of them right next to me ready to receive a commanding request before I could even think of all that needed to be done.

The family was blessed beyond belief and kept saying over and over how everything was better than they had possibly imagined. That in turn blessed me. My goal the whole time was to be able to give the family opportunity to focus on one another during such a difficult time without having to deal with details.

San Antonio Here We Come

Up until the last minute of leaving it seemed we were trying to get everything accomplished. Shopping, visiting with friends, laundry, packing.......haa haa packing. I can't even remember why now but I didn't pack until 1am and we had to be out the door at 7am. It made me laugh though as I tossed this that and the other into my suitcase. I just knew that opening my suitcase later would be something like the surprise of Christmas presents as discovered whatevers showed themselves at my final destination.

The flying was a bit more difficult for me this time. I needed a lot of concentration this time to ride out turbulence that wanted to rob both my stomach and my nerves of any sense of control. Hubby and girls enjoyed the ride and Hubby tried ever so greatly to be supportive and take my mind off the bouncing. But being a 20 year veteran fly-boy tickled his adventure bone a little more than his desire to comfort. I am laughing about it now. His proclamations of "Wow! Look out the window!" as the plane banked and bounced gave me a strong memory of ..............

There I was in a hospital bed at 20 years old preparing for the birth of our daughter. He hated the thought of me being in pain. It tore him up to see me like that and he paced the room desperately looking for something to take his attention. That was when his eyes fell to the contraction monitor and his mind started figuring out how to read it as he asked me questions about my pain threshold. Then he proclaimed with something of excitement mixed with awe, "Wow that is the highest peak this monitor has drawn yet. Can you feel it yet? Wow! I bet you can really feel that one."

See isn't that funny and cute. I love memories.

So here we are now in San Antonio. Everyone has been by to say their hellos and give out generous hugs. Daddy is finishing up another round of chemo and will have a week long break starting tomorrow. He has more energy than I expected but I can see tell-tale signs that it is affecting him. His hair is falling out now and his face is looking a bit drawn. The palms of his hands and feet are peeling and have a heightened sensitivity and his tear ducts are continually leaking. But he is still Daddy.

He is my Daddy and I am so grateful to be here. I sat with him for a while this afternoon in the sun room and I could tell he was physically a bit uncomfortable and emotionally troubled. I asked him if I could pray with him and he answered yes with hopeful and grateful eyes that hadn't yet looked directly at me since I arrived. We prayed for my step-brother serving in Iraq and I prayed strength, peace, and encouragement over Daddy. The resolve of hiding in the label of "strong daddy" was gone and unashamed he wept in my arms as I whispered in his ear that he is not alone and not ever forgotten.

I am so grateful to be here.

Kevin

There is something else that I want to talk about here and don't really know how to do it except to be forthright.
My dear cherished friend, Kevin Wecker, lost his battle with cancer on Sunday and went to be with God. The cancer that came over his body was so consuming and violently quick. He left behind an amazing family, a wonderful wife, and 3 small children. Though I know he is so peaceful now with God, I grieve for his family and the memories never made.

I have so many smatterings of memories in my mind swirling around of Kevin.
We met in high school drama class and quickly became inseparable. I was all of a week and a half older than him and he never let me forget it. In high school he was my confidant, my protector, my friend. Everyone always predicted we would become an item and you would have thought with our hand holding and endless phone calls we would have. Once we even kissed in my parents driveway. I think we were both looking for the obvious next phase in our relationship. But the funny thing was when we both pulled away after the kiss and said, "Nah that was too weird. It was like kissing my brother." When college hit, we went our separate ways and supported one another from afar. College, work, families, life..........every few months one of us would call the other and we would catch up. A few birthday parties, a couple of comp ticket hockey games, emails of what God is doing in our lives. They are spinning through my mind and I am trying to store them under mental lock and key.

Father God, I pray your peace over Kevin's family.

The Things That Matter......

I have much to wade through and share but before I begin sorting those thoughts out, I want to re-cap moments I jotted down to be sure and remember.

Prom Night

Below is a picture of Pippin and her friend, "Jerry", on prom night 2 weeks ago. Oh my goodness what a fun night it was. It was a right of passage for both girls. Both are first borns with always a unique sense of responsibility outweighing their own views of frivolous behavior. Both have labeled themselves over the years to being "tom-boys" to the bone and swore that things like make-up, hair styles, and dresses were nothing but a distracting waste of time. After all, how can one climb a tree or straddle a horse with a dress in the way.

But they let themselves embrace feeling like princesses. They were gentile and full of humble giggles and excitement all through the day.

Pippin on the left and Jerry on the right.

I must say, I think they have grown up into a couple of amazingly beautiful young women inside and out.

Say Yes To The Dress

My girls and their friends are always so wonderful to say thank you for things and give cheers my way for....the food, the party, the ride, the gift, the wisdom, the_____fill in the blank. But sometimes I know that it is more of a sense of being polite than genuine gratitude. Not that I am complaining. I think I am a spoiled and love lavished mom. But recently Puddin' made my day.

I was walking through the living room with a load of laundry and my attention was caught by a show that Puddin' and Rixxi were watching. It is called Say Yes To The Dress. It is filmed in New York at a super fancy wedding boutique that people from all over the continent go to because of it's style and finesse. As with any tv reality series, it wouldn't be a show unless someone was making a fuss worth filming. What caught my attention was the filming of a mother and daughter. The daughter had found the dress of her dreams that made her feel like a princess more grand that Disney could ever hope to conjure. It was stunningly beautiful and fit all of her simple elegant desires. The mother pushed the consultant out of the way to go sort through the dresses herself while spouting on and on about the idea that she didn't care what her daughter wanted. Having nothing less than top notch sparkle and bling would be a social disaster.

I shook my head and said, "Someone needs to shake some reality into that mother and remind her that it's her daughter's wedding. If money isn't an issue and obviously it isn't, then shouldn't the look in her daughter's eyes and the happiness in her heart be the only thing that matters here?"

Puddin' dropped her stuff and jumped off the couch to hug me. "Oh Mom you are so amazing! I always say you are the best mom ever and I really do mean it. But when I see moms like that, they make me so mad and...I REALLY do mean it. I love you!"

Yeah, I was pretty rosy cheeked and misty eyed over that for a while.

The Things That Matter....

Right before prom things changed for us. It has ever since been a time where people keep saying, "Oh my goodness! How do you do it? You are so calm and peaceful."

To trace back the events, I think it started with my brother-in-law. My husband had gotten an urgent and panicked call. "Please talk to your brother!" It was his brother's wife on the other end of the phone. We all have different levels of things that we think we can handle. Sometimes when that level gets too close for comfort the person can feel that shutting down is the only answer. That is what happened here. The wife, who has advancing MS, had thrown her cane across the kitchen floor and football tackled her husband to the ground. With that accomplished, she sat on him and called his brother on the phone to be a voice of reason. It was the only thing she could do to keep him form walking out the door and possibly ending his life. A couple of weeks in the local hospital learning new coping skills and goal assessments seems to have created a new man and we are so very grateful.

At that same time frame, Hubby had to leave town for a week with work. The boss had started up a new contract 8 hours away in Idaho and asked Hubby to to the evaluating and training for the area. It was an honor and we are so grateful for the favor shown on him. But it was different having him gone for the week. A plus though is that he was able to spend some time with the kids and grand kids.

Mother's Day weekend was a very different time. Friday afternoon my mom had a mild heart attack. How can the words "mild" and "heart attack" ever be used in the same reference? As I drove to the ER I told myself that her headache and tight chest symptoms were only because of her recent cold and the medications she was taking for congestion. But when I saw her face I knew and didn't need hours of blood draws and enzyme calculations to tell me what we had already been through 5 years before. She was admitted into the hospital for observation and later it was decided to do another angiogram.

Mother's Day morning I was at the hospital waiting to hear the results from the cath lab. The attending cardiologist, whom we have dealt with on a previous occasion, lazily talked to me with a smirk on his face and an 'I told you so' glint in his eye. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "nope I can't do anything else. There are no stints or prescriptions to help with this", and he proclaimed her heart to be 20 years older than it should be. I wanted to put my fist through his face.

As I sat there in her room watching her rest, I absently worked over word search puzzles and fought back an overwhelming fear at the notion I might lose both my parents in the same year. My heart felt the swirling blackness get more thick around me, I cried out to God for rescue and hope and He reminded me of a fiction story I read a while back. In this story, the forces of good and evil are played in tandem with regular lives. The characters walk around through much of the story unaware that good and evil are all around them vying for territory just like Ephesians 6:12 says they are. Specifically I saw in my mind a part of the story where the main character was gripped by overwhelming fear and felt like he couldn't move. Then the story spun to the parallel spiritual realm and showed that same man with a demon named crippling fear that had latched his talon claws deep into the man's shoulders and was weighing him down to the ground. I decided then and there that I had a choice to move and look up or let myself fall down and give up. I decided anew that for every day there is breath, there is reason to have hope, purpose, and destiny.

Mom is home now and doing well. We went to spend the day with her today and bless her with a helping hand. I brought 4 young adults with me and they worked all over the yard cleaning and planting flowers to give her the summer joys that she loves without the stress and labor that goes with it.

Daddy is doing well too. His last scan showed that there was marginal shrinkage in 2 of the 4 tumor masses and no new tumors. He excitedly started another round of therapy and is anxiously counting down the days to our pending visit.

Along with these events, there are other things too. A step-grandma passed this week and a niece is in ICU after a massive seizure. I received an email today from the wife of a dear old friend. He has been battling caner this last year and it is spreading at an alarmingly horrid rate. They have decided to begin Hospice. This hits me in a way I can't even begin to wrap my heart around just yet.

Last Tuesday, I received a call that my husband's uncle in Nevada passed after a sudden massive heart attack. It took everyone by surprise. None of the family live here in town and most everyone lives out of state. But they are all coming here so he can be buried at the national cemetery. We have been asked to organise a memorial service.

It is an event that we never think of having to deal with but I am so grateful to be able to help the family out in this way. The widow and children need to be able to focus on one another without having to worry about a building or food. I have definitely learned a lot along the way and have found the web to have some great resources. If you ever find yourself in a position of needing to make a memorial service program, this site has beautiful user friendly free downloads.

This next week will be busy with the funeral and with us leaving 2 days later for Texas....but I feel entirely peaceful in a way that I can't even describe. All of these things happening to people we know and love. I don't understand it all. I can't reason it all. But I know that God is still God.

Okay, I could write more and more, but it is almost midnight and I must get some sleep.

For now, have a blessed and destiny filled day!

October Days....

(Reader Warning: I let myself write and write until all the words left me. Grab some coffee and a snack before you settle in.)

It is a wonderfully rainy day today.
I love the rain and the beautiful grey skies of fall.
That must sound ridiculous to some, but it is the truth.

I love the smells and sights of autumn; the crackle of leaves, the smells of wood stoves warming, and the wind and rain dancing through the trees. I feel excitement at bringing out the sweaters from storage and throwing the mink blanket on the bed.

It has definitely been a month. Though the month is not up yet, I wanted to sit today and play some catchup with the thoughts rolling around in my head. The girls are all busy right now doing school or running errands for me so it is the perfect time for me to have the computer to myself.

Come take a stroll with me through October.

College Bound

Our church has just begun offering a college study program and I enrolled. Actually everyone in this house enrolled. We are so excited. It is a two year program that will take us on a journey of seeing more and more of what God calls us to be and do. We are plowing through the ideas of religion and how it relates to the Bible. In all actuality, it is shaped to look less like the typical bible college type of programs and more like a self growing and character building lifestyle change. Right now it is so hard for me to describe but let me just give a mind blowing example that I recently experienced here in hopes of relating what this program is like........


I have always read about the miracles in the Bible that Jesus did and thought general things about them. I mean, they were great and amazing. I have never walked on water, calmed a storm, or even raised someone from the dead. Jesus did them and it deserves the "Wow!" from the entire world.....but after all it was Jesus that did them. Of course they were miracles. It was Jesus, you know, the Son of God. Of course He could do them.
(I hope you can hear me in this. I don't mean anything bad in saying that.)

One of our study books is titled When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson. When I got into that book I realized that my understanding and thinking had been off in so many ways.
Here is what I am wrapping my brain around now......

• When Jesus came to walk the earth and became man, He gave up His power and became completely human. Okay I have heard that for some 20 years now.



• If Jesus gave up His power and became just like me then how did He do all of those miracles? Jesus did those amazing things because of His faith and belief in His Heavenly Father.

So when Jesus said "and greater than these you can do too......and with the faith of a mustard seed......." And when I know that He wrestled with all things human just like me......well this just puts it all into such a mind shift for me.

• That means that Jesus had to cast away fear, summon up his courage, and dare to believe that God declares good for His children, hears our prayers, and will act on our behalf.



• That means that it is so much more attainable for me to believe that little ole' me can make a difference, that my prayers are spiritual weapons when coupled with belief and faith.

20 Years and Counting

October 14th was our 20 year anniversary.



It feels nothing like what I envisioned it would feel like to get to this point.
Why do I say that? Of course we have had our ups and downs like everyone else but we are happy. I think that when we look ahead and imagine a place we haven't stepped into yet, we simply don't picture the other things around it. I guess that is why I had a surreal moment when looking at the calendar.

The reality is that life happens every day and we are living in the middle of it and loving each step.


Our night on the town.......
Years ago, we had been blessed with a sizable gift certificate for a fancy steak house here in town. I had placed them in a safe place and .....yeah....couldn't find them until now. That is okay. It was the perfect way to celebrate. This restaurant is actually one of the top 10 in the nation and has so many awards that I gave up counting them.

The atmosphere was heavenly. the fireplace crackled as it's warm fingered images danced on wine glasses. It was quite a cozy setting. All of the staff wore tux attire and when we were seated, the waiter unfolded our linens and placed them in our laps for us. I know a statement like that must greatly show how much I don't hob-nob but I have only seen a gesture like that in the movies.

We both ordered Cesar salads which came out in a decorative presentation.........

Hubby ordered a steak....his favorite. I ordered the Herb Crusted Chicken with a baked potato.

It was all so amazingly tasty.

For dessert, I had the peach and blueberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream and Hubby had a chocolate silk pie. Both were heavenly and we gorged ourselves with all the goodness.

Angel's Wings

Angel-girl and my sister-in-law came to visit me a few days ago. It was such a treat!

That little niece of mine is now already 2 1/2 months old. she is holding her head up and trying so hard to coo. Her smiles make me warm all over and I simply cannot bear to put her down when she is in my arms.

The Corn Maze Craze

Amongst all of the fall festivities, one that brings me tons of smiles is to take our youth group on our annual maze craze. There is a huge farm here in town that makes a challenging maze. They change it every year with new themes, twists, and surprises. Here is this year's maze......

The corn stands higher than the tallest man and is the perfect place to have races and man hunts. Our group went through once to get a feel for the huge maze and then they came over to the table I had set up for snacks and cocoa.

Already covered in mud from a week of rain, they began to plan strategies on how to best one another as the sun went down. If you asked them, they would be quick to tell you that the best way to enjoy a maze is to try and find your way through it after dark.

They played well into the evening and were so filled with mud (and fun memories) that they weren't allowed in our vehicles until they covered themselves in plastic bags.

What I Believe

A few night's ago, I received a call from my daddy. He asked how we were doing and I began a run down on all of our happenings. Shortly into the conversation though, I could tell that was not his purpose for calling and I asked him what was wrong.

He spun a story of not feeling right the past few months and various doctor visits that ended with a diagnosis....esophageal cancer. I asked my questions, put my best foot forward in saying positive things and getting information on what steps will happen over the next few months, and we said we would be talking soon. Then I crumpled after hanging up the phone.

Half of me wanted to stand firm and yell in the devil's face and shake my fist at him to let him know he would not play here. I actually envisioned myself standing over my dad, straddling my territory and declaring war. But then the other half of me was a little girl curled up under the table and holding an imaginary pillow. I fought back the panic of knowing we have only just begun to build our relationship and there is so much more for us to enjoy with each other.

Then I would scold myself for thinking dark thoughts and stand to fight again.

The seesaw went back and forth as I called my mom, my brother, and then our prayer circle.

My brother and I numbly shared our thoughts with one another about the mortality of our parents. It is such a hard concept that the most well intentioned shoulders of comfort can only imagine until actually wearing those very shoes. I know. I've been there. As with just about every one else on the planet, I have had friends and family who have had some sort of experience with death and with cancer, and good grief how we have been taught to shrink back at that very word....the dreaded C word.

Friends who have battled and won over cancer talk about our society's quirks with cancer. You can mention any other sickness in the world and people are fine but if you say you have cancer.....they shrink back as if you are already dead and they might contract it if they accidentally touch you. I know one girl that tells people her cancer scar was a shark bite simply because she feels bad for people in the torture they put themselves through.

It is a disease that can be fought and won just like anything else. And millions of people are victorious over that battle. And yet there I sat already thinking of my dad with one foot in the grave.

I told myself that I had seen miracles, been part of miracles, and experienced miracles. As I had been learning in my class studies, I thought about God's goodness and about my right to pray, to declare victory. But then the thought would creep in....what if I haven't learned enough? What if I don't pray right? If he dies then I failed.

Oh how our thoughts can lie to us.

It has taken me a few days to get my head on straight, but here is what I now know........

• I am a fixer.


• I can't fix this.


• It is my right to pray.


• It is my duty to pray.


• It is God's job to heal.

I keep thinking about something I experienced years ago when my youngest step son was in the hospital. He had been born with many physical challenges and had the first of many surgeries when he was only 4 days old. Not expected to live to the age of 2 years....there we sat nearing his 15th birthday and it seemed his body was finally giving up the fight. We had all been through years of ups and downs, battles with the ex-wife, the drama of this little boy's body being strong and then back tracking 5 steps.

Our pastor was with us and I dared to ask.....When is it okay to not contend? How can we even know what to pray anymore? Is it fair to pray healing? What is God's will?
For years since then PJ's answer has encouraged me through so many different types of situations.

He sighed that painful sigh that I thought was reminiscent of the hard burdens of counsel and pastor must bear. Then he said, "I know it is hard and we can't even pretend to know God's will. But here is what we do know. Since God is in control of all things and since for the moment God is choosing for this boy to breathe....then that is our signal that we are to contend. If things change and he passes on then that is our signal to change our prayers to that of thanksgiving. But as long as God shows opportunity of hope then we contend and press forward no matter what."

So here I am standing and pressing forward. I have a renewed hope. I am assured that my Heavenly Father sees and knows and hears and has a plan for victory.

Blessings to you and your day.

Thank you for your prayers.
"M" sent messages to Pippin throughout the day about the condition of his mom. As evening came on his messages became shorter and her condition worsened.
About 45 minutes ago "M"'s mom passed on.

Now is when things seem even more hard. This is what he has been preparing for for so long. He worked to keep his mom comfortable and cared for and now there is nothing more to do. No more weekend visits. No more daily talks. No more doctor appointments.
The next week or so will be numbing and automatic for him as things happen. There will be a service and things to be done. Knowing "M" he will feel an obligation to get back into his studies quickly.
But then the routine will set in. Routine daily events that scream not routine in his heart because his mom is gone.

If this 17 year old young man happens to come to your mind throughout your days, please say a prayer for him to be covered in the peace and comfort that only God can bring.

Surreal....

With Hubby's folks in town for the next few weeks, we had placed all sorts of little things on the calendar. Today was going to be a big family picnic with "his" and "hers" kids all meeting at a park. Things didn't quite go as planned though.

My Uncle Jim died this morning. It was a thing that we knew would happen soon. He had been fighting a long and difficult battle with a strong cancer that had ravaged his lungs, brain, and liver. But even though you prepare and know it is coming, it still takes your breath away when it finally happens.

The girls and I headed up to the house this morning as quick as we could so that we could do whatever we could....answer phones, make food, walk the dogs, give hugs, cry, and just be a presence in the swirling sea of numb reality.

Not that I doubt it, but I was struck fresh several times throughout the day how important my family is to me. As I have said before, there is a lot of emotions that roll with so many of my family members. It is said that you can't pick your family and you are just stuck with them. I see that in my family. Were it not for the fact that we are all blood related, we would never be around one another. And yet, whenever there is a crisis, the gloves and resentments go away and we are...family.

Eternity...

I had the pleasant surprise a couple of days ago of finding out that our oldest son was on his way into town for a few days. Oh bless him, my hubby knew but forgot to tell me. That is okay. It is always nice to have the strapping 24 year old around to liven things up.

As my brain has been kicked into overdrive wanting to do all of those motherly things that just can’t be stopped…..is the bathroom clean enough?….do I have all of his favorite foods in the house?…..how many “special talks” can we fit in while he is here?….and then some, other things have been swirling around in my thoughts as well. One of those thoughts being the tragic news of Heath Ledger dying recently.

Why am I thinking about it so much? I never knew the man. I am only familiar with a few of his movies. I didn’t think that all of them were incredible works of scripting art but I did enjoy what I saw. Patriot is still on my list of must sees. Though I find the high school drama of 10 Things I Hate About You boring and annoying, I am always a silly sap for a male character that pursues the emotionally hurting female to make her world a happy place, thus finding true love and problems of life all wrapped up in a mere hour and forty-five minutes. I found Four Feathers and A Night’s Tale both to be fantastic for inspiring character in rising up above self and society expectations. (See, there I go again with my impersonation of Siskel and Ebert) I have seen only one interview with Mr. Ledger and from it, formed the impression that he was a sad man trying to fill his emptiness with accomplishments. That is very different of course from the diverse hero roles that he portrayed.

The notice of his death was a quick small clip for a couple of hours on my internet home page. Then it was gone. Since then, I have seen nothing else. I know a few people on the radio stations are talking about it and I have seen a few more people blog about it, but the subject has been pretty quiet in comparison to my expectations of what happens to “Hollywood tragedy”.

Why am I thinking on it so much? Maybe it is the lack of news that has my heart tugging. It has gotten me thinking on the word Legacy. What does it mean? One of the definitions I found for legacy is: “anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.” Where is the long list of his legacy that everyone should be talking about? How was his life and what is he passing on to his young daughter? Was his life as empty as that interview looked? If so…why? Was he never shown a belief system beyond Hollywood?

Belief system….yes, I do mean religion….more importantly I mean relationship. I am not talking about the “go to Sundays services and then yell at the crazy drivers on the way home” kind of religion. I am talking about a relationship with God, a real relationship that defines a person beyond themselves and fills every empty hole in ways that we never could on our own. I am talking about a relationship with a living and breathing real God that hears when we talk, cry, and smile. A God that loves us in spite of whatever we have done and will do in the future.

Do I really believe all of that? Yes I do and with all of my heart. Why? For one, too much biblical history has been proven by archeologists to ignore. For another, I can’t just write off that voice of guidance in my head, heart, and soul that goes against worldly logic; that comfort that surrounds me and solves issues that could otherwise never be handled; a presence that guides and accepts me even with all of my ick. These things are all too strong and real to be written off as a vacant and weak need to believe in something.

The time that we have here on earth is so short. Sadly, Mr. Ledger proved that. We see it over and over again in tragedies young and old. Though the time that we do have here is all we can conceptually wrap our brains around, there is a far greater time that is even more difficult for us to understand and yet it deserves our attention and thought. That time is eternity. We can deny it, but it won’t deny us.

As I go about my daily things, my heart has been crying out and now I know why and what it is crying for. It is for lost decisions. Did Mr. Ledger ever address the issue of eternity before he took his last breath? Did he run in the other direction like so many do, saying that other things can fill that void? I think about others in my life that have been seeking comfort as well and died before giving in to the only true and real comfort that can be found. That is why my heart breaks.

Father God, I am certainly not perfect in any way. I stumble around and focus on self all too easily and take my eyes off of You. But God, I ask that you help me to see and take action with the people and times that need you. Why do we fight against you so much? Why is a free gift so hard to accept? I thank you God that you are always next to me and to anyone else who asks You to be. Every day afresh I am reminded of how amazing You are.

Heart Journey....

Wednesday
Our flights were uneventful. LAX was super crowded and unorganized. (The most horrid thing I heard on the intercom was a ticket counter agent saying, "If you are in need of wheelchair assistance please come up to the counter.") My brother and I used our time making each other laugh. We also talked a lot about ways we could help the family in San Antonio while dealing with our own emotions at the same time.
Dad was waiting for us as we walked to the baggage claim area. We walked right up to him before he realized we were there. He had been zoning. Understandable considering he had just lost his wife of 23 years to long term cancer. He hugged us and cried.
All the way to the house, he talked as he drove.....about the final days. It was as if he had to get it out, sort it all out...for our sake and for his. Dad had never been much of a talker around me so I just let him talk...for my sake and for his.


Thursday
Family in and out. Hugs and tears. We all agree that it is good to see each other but are so sad for the circumstances.
We all became siblings as teenagers, his two to her three, when our parents married in 1985. My brother actually lived with them for a while but I only visited in the summer. We care about each other and have a few memories together, but really lead completely separate lives. Maybe it is just me, but at times I feel so alienated.
All the same, I am determined to be strength for my father.
The viewing was long....I felt at first that 4 hours would be too long. But as I watched people thru the evening I saw that they all needed that time. They needed the time to find the acceptance for closure with a woman that touched so many lives.
Over and over I saw young people embrace my father and call him "Grandpa". And as I have seen for years, my step-siblings lean on my father for support and give him all credit for being the only male figure in their lives that shaped and changed their lives for the good.
I find myself swimming in 2 thoughts simultaneously. I mourn that our relationship and that of my children looks nothing like theirs, but at the same time I feel pride in seeing how amazing and compassionately he has affected so many people.


Friday
Today was the funeral. Again and again I am told how grateful people are that my brother and I are here for our father. They tell us how happy it makes him. I find myself bracing with even more determination to be a quiet strength for my father.....to stay by his side so that in some way I can will comfort and peace into him.
It didn't work out that way though, at least not the way I had envisioned. My step-brother came over and asked my father to sit with them, her children, in the front row. That was a direction that I hadn't prepared for....not being able to be by his side. Intellectually, logically, compassionately...I knew that he had every right and reason to be there with them. He belonged there as the father figure and husband. He needed to be with the people that had walked through the whole long cancer battle with him...the people that would still be in his day to day life to pick up the pieces after I am not around.
But the little girl in me recoiled from the heart slap. I felt the rejection all over again. I wanted to cry out that it wasn't fair to be robbed of that too.
As I sat there listening to the chaplain, God was reminding me of the other times that I have been able to share with my father. HE reminded me of the amazing father figure I have in my mother's husband. Most importantly, HE reminded me that HE, My God, is my forever father that always understands the condition of my heart and never gets stretched thin in His love.
I got up and shared a memory of my father's wife. There were things I couldn't say and things I should have said but couldn't think of while standing there in front of everyone. But I did share about a conversation we had a couple of years ago that God orchestrated to assure me of her eternal peace.
After the service, my father introduced me to several people. Each time, I heard the pride in his voice and saw the gleam in his eyes that showed the devotion that he can never find the words for.
Now that the funeral is finished, tomorrow people will start the long task of rebuilding their lives. My brother and I will be looking for ways to help in the remaining two days that we have here.


Saturday
We sat around for a leisurely breakfast while talking and reminiscing. It was time for people to start heading back into their daily lives today. There was unspoken hesitation all around in not wanting to leave the safety umbrella where hearts and emotions had stopped the reality of time. From here on out, reality would create new memories, memories that don't include her. At times, that is too painful to grasp.
My father has been using today to gather up memorabilia that he has had marked for me for years...things that he just never got around to giving to me. One item is a cookbook that was created by my precious grandmother and her 3 sisters. In the inside cover, these ladies had written personal dedications to me when I was but barely a year old (December 1971). It touched me so greatly and oh how I cried.
My brother and I found various things to do around the house today that we hope will bless our father.
We spent the later evening with him eating pie, watching a movie, and joking around. It was good to just sit, with no agenda, and be ourselves.

Sunday
Again family hung around for a majority of the day today. Maybe they were around because of my brother and I, maybe they were there for my father, or maybe both. It doesn't matter the reason. It is all part of moving on.
My step-sister's dog died today. She wanted him to be buried in my father's back yard with the other loved animals. My brother graciously took on the burial task so that our father would not have the burden.
A cousin took us out to dinner this evening. She too said how wonderful it was for us to be here for our father and how things can only get better from here.
Dealing with the death of a loved one always makes people evaluate and adjust their priorities.

Monday
We will be flying out shortly for home. I find that there are so many things that have been left unsaid, but now is not the time. It was so hard to say goodbye to my father.
When will I see him again?
Does he truly understand what it took for me to make this trip in my heart?
Or is it even important for him to understand?

What matters is that I did make the trip......and I am glad that I did.
From here on out, it is all brand new.

A Few Seconds.....

I am just grabbing a few seconds and making a mental note here. I haven't had opportunity to sit and organize my thoughts and it will be a few more days yet before I can weave something here.

Our birthday was so wonderful last night. My mom and I were like little girls enjoying all that The Melting Pot had to offer. It was such a dinning experience. The staff went out of their way to make sure we had a birthday celebration like none other.

This morning my father called from far away and said that my step mom lost her battle to cancer. Tomorrow morning, my brother and I are flying out for a few days to grieve and try to encourage. I am so grateful to have been blessed with a huge envelope of money just last night that almost perfectly covers the emmergency cost of my plane fare. God is so amazing. I wouldn't have been able to do this otherwise.