Ground Zero...

From the moment I arrived here 2 weeks ago things have felt different from before and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I know I was tired when I arrived from all of the events we had just walked through back home and I worried about not being mentally focused here as I got back into a routine of medicine cocktails and puppy clean-ups while watching Hubby and girls to make sure things weren't overwhelming for them. I could also see that the people here are tired and trying to make the most out of every moment while hiding their grief.

We have all been working well together as a team in caring for Daddy. But even under the best of circumstances people still need time to care for themselves and their hearts. With the climax of packing up the things that Daddy had been insistent for my brother and I to take (and he is the one who has been adamant that we do it now), it has brought out feelings that the others haven't wanted to address and the collateral damage seems to be circling around me as the center impact zone.

I have had two individuals come to me insistent that I take whatever I desire because it is all just stuff. Well anything that is except this thing....and not this item.....and actually not this one either....and then they decided to take a box and pack out their own stuff too. The next day they came back with remorse and begged me not to make them pack up while my daddy is still here. Never mind the facts that

1) I am not the keeper of this home or Daddy's things.
2) I never told, asked, or even suggested that others pack out their wanted items.
3) I am only doing what Daddy has insisted and pushed for.

Then I found another loved one a couple of days later in a corner volleying between crying and anger while pleading with me not to put my Daddy's things in storage.

It's frustrating.

It hurts.

It's hard.

It's tiring.

It's not fair.

It's human.

Once I walked through each of those emotions, God reminded me of the truth. The truth is that I am not really their target. They are only using me as the focal point because I am tangible and accessible. My packing and being here is a significant reminder that things are going to change.

My mom reassured me to keep on doing what I know is right, true and just and God will take care of the rest. She was right. Things are already leveling out. Apologies have been made and hugs have been given.

~~~~~

The above was written late last night while I was laying in bed shaking off the day.
Today is a new and promising day.
As I drove to the vet this morning to pick up doggy medicines, their were wild sunflowers lined along the road and swaying all around with upturned faces to the sky. They were a tangible reminder for me that indeed each day is fresh and new. Each day I too can choose to look up.

I pray you have a wonderfully blessed and destiny filled day.

Thank you for your prayers.
"M" sent messages to Pippin throughout the day about the condition of his mom. As evening came on his messages became shorter and her condition worsened.
About 45 minutes ago "M"'s mom passed on.

Now is when things seem even more hard. This is what he has been preparing for for so long. He worked to keep his mom comfortable and cared for and now there is nothing more to do. No more weekend visits. No more daily talks. No more doctor appointments.
The next week or so will be numbing and automatic for him as things happen. There will be a service and things to be done. Knowing "M" he will feel an obligation to get back into his studies quickly.
But then the routine will set in. Routine daily events that scream not routine in his heart because his mom is gone.

If this 17 year old young man happens to come to your mind throughout your days, please say a prayer for him to be covered in the peace and comfort that only God can bring.

Sometimes I Just Don't Understand....

I don't have anything eloquent to share tonight. I simply feel the need to share our resent experiences.

While Pippin was attending CAL last year, she gained the friendship of "M". He is such a sweet guy and has become a cherished friend to her. They often had lunch together as they discussed their school time woes....hers of graphic arts/IT and his of being a med student. Since before they ever met, "M"'s mom has battled cancer. It was the driving force for "M" to become a med student. He wanted to further the field of cancer research in the hopes of one day helping his mom.

This past weekend his mom was placed in the hospital with no hope. The doctors gave her a prognosis of a couple of days left here on earth. "M" gathered his things together and went to be by her side. It has now been 5 days for this 17 year old skipping school and all other responsibilities to make sure that his mom is well cared for. He wants to make sure that her time is spent in comfort. He is at peace and has determined to be vigilant in making sure his mom is peaceful too.

We went to visit him tonight, bringing him his favorite ice cream...ears to listen....and arms to hold. As he unloaded his woes of family he started to unwind....transferring his demeanor back and forth between vigilant protector to scared little boy. The parents are divorced, the extended family is vying for money and possessions even as his mother sleeps in her merciful medical induced coma. It was so sad. The extended family actually took the mom's checkbook from her hospital belongings with the intent of forging checks for what they feel they are owed..........money that is said in the will to go to "M" and his little brother. Sadly there is no power of attorney...no one to take charge of the situation. All the while, "M" is reeling in the shock of ...not the greed...but the priority focus and the lack of.

The poor kid. I gave advice as best as I could. We got him to laugh and think of other things for a bit. We hugged and prayed with him. As we hugged he sighed heavily and said, "Wow thank you. I really needed that."

I don't know what to say or write.
I know I feel more grateful for my family tonight as my heart grieves for his.
I know that as I lay down in my flannel sheets tonight "M" will be standing watch over his mom.
This young man having to do such grown up matters when the grownups act like children.....