Where Do I Start........

Hubby had a blast running the Bloomsday. I just received his results. He ran 1:36:33. I think that is great. He can do whatever he sets his mind to and I admire that. I can't imagine myself ever running even a mile.

The wedding we attended last night was absolutely beautiful. We have watched this girl grow up over the years and become an amazing woman. She is so tender hearted and is gifted with a perfect ease as a worship leader. Now she is married to an amazing man who also has an amazing gift and passion for worship. I wonder what God has in store for them.
Here is a cell phone picture that I snapped at their wedding. Everything was so elegant.


When I mentioned being busy last week, one of the things that I didn't bring up was tutoring an old student of mine. I think I didn't bring it up because I was stifling feeling a failure. She was having some algebra anxieties and her parents asked if I could fix the issues. One morning last week she came over with her assignment and we tried to tackle it. I could only wrap my brain around half of it while the other side of me argued internally as to the logic of the math and what in the world this teacher was trying to get across.

Once she left, I fought back those inner voices that taunted me.........
"And you call yourself a teacher."
"Ha, you never got a degree. You barely finished school yourself."
"You failed that girl and you probably scared your girls with all the years you home schooled them as well."

Yeah it was bad.
The mom came to me a couple of days later and said that the teacher couldn't even offer solutions to the problems. He said that all the students had issues with that assignment and he couldn't figure out why it was even in the scope of that algebra planning because it didn't belong there.

But wait, there is more.
The mom insisted on paying me for my time and held out in her hand an absurd amount of money. I tried to refuse it. I said I was just helping my friend, I am not an accredited teacher, it was just a couple of hours.
She said it was the least they could do for all that I have done for them for so long.
Father God thank you for that validation.

I hugged her and cried.
Yes I home schooled their girl for a few years, but I had personal motives. Yes I wanted to see her succeed and be a help to them, but I also knew that having a friend around would be a help to my girls. It was a motivator to know that someone was showing up every morning to do school. It made me more accountable.....and not so boring to them.

And then I had to laugh.
A few days ago I had posted some things on Craig's List to sell and I was frustrated that nothing had been inquired on. We have a few extra expenses this month and I was trying to figure out how to help out. My way wasn't working because God had other plans.

I just had to share that with you.
There are other things to share too but I will do that later this week.
Now it is time for me to go make a bunch of DVDs. Pippin was finally able to finish her sponsor video. I haven't even looked at it. But I feel so bad that she went to Uganda in December and we have yet to send out these thank you videos for her sponsors.

Have a blessed day.

School Days....

I still have many more things to share while I was away from blog land......but today I will wait and instead say this.....

After home schooling for 12 years, it is now day 2 of my girls being in high school full time.
How do I feel? That is a good question. A question that I don't know if I am ready to answer.

I believe whole heartedly that even though it is a very overwhelming adjustment for them...they will be just fine. Adapting to crowded halls, angst teens, and multi tasking schedules is all part of the "right of passage" to growing up. In a short amount of time, those crazy schedules will be old hat to them and they will know all the secret short cuts around what I am told is the biggest school in Oregon.

As for me.....I am getting my walking in (I did 4 miles this morning) so that feels good. I was able to blog visit today and that is an accomplishment. And I am doing little projects around the house.

But I don't feel that I am really here. It is like I am not thinking and just watching me next to myself.
It will take me a while.

It is funny because I have a few well intentioned friends that have posed the thought, "Hey now that you have all this free time we can go for coffee, lunch, shopping, you can volunteer for this, and I need...........blah blah blah.

I have skirted around it all and not committed to a single thing. I don't want to be busy. I don't want to obligate to anything. I don't want someone else to plan my time. I know that I will eventually become busy...but those are my choices to make.

Don't worry. I am not angry. I just feel a small voice rising in my as I write this wanting to say, "Tout le monde!" (is that right Kitem?)

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings.....

As this summer has progressed, I have been earning a grand set of memories to carry around. At the same time though, the past couple of weeks has found me in an emotional funk. It is frustrating because it is a mismatch of silly feelings that drive me crazy. You know, all of those little things that pile up and like to play a continual game of tag in your mind.

Feelings....didn't Barbara Streisand sing a song about them?
If it were not for the ever present guidance and comfort from God, I would spiral into who knows what. Truly, He has the guidance and strength, comfort and wisdom to completely lift this off of me.....and yet I am here because I keep holding on to the junk. Why not simply let go and deal with the things that I can deal with? Why make things so difficult?

Feelings are so erratic and non dependable. On the one hand, it is the ruling guide to love and happiness. It is how we passionately find that knight in shining armor, swim in the peaceful love of a child's embrace, and smile at treasured moments. We can intuitively know whom to trust and which door to walk thru because of our gut emotional feelings. And yet on the other hand, our feelings are what get us into trouble with fits of jealousy, rage, selfishness, and doubt.

I know I must balance my feelings with wisdom and judgement. It is the only way that the scales work correctly.
Maybe if I voice my swirls here it will help to get rid of things. That is one reason why I started this blog....to dare to give voice to myself for myself.

~~~~
I feel silly and ridiculous. After all that has happened here with the dogs, my heart started changing here when we had Trixie for a week. We are still in the same position....it is not financially the right time for a dog, yet I find myself looking thru the ads a few times a week hoping that someone will be giving up the dog that I want. I have names and everything picked out. I have things planned in my head that would make you laugh and label me as one of those wierd pet people. Meanwhile, I want to slap myself and say, "get over yourself girl. Now is not the time so stop pining over something that can't be".

***
I wish I could pick up the people that are dearest to me and hold them in a protective shield. I want to stomp my feet at the hurts and yell that it is not fair. And yet, I know that they have their things to learn and grow in and I must not rob them of that.

***
I really want a new camera. Again...slap slap get over yourself and stop being so centered. Now is not the time. It is like a song I hear on the radio station here. I have no idea who sings it but the beginning verse says, "Selfish heart when did you become the center of the universe?" I can totally own and relate to that song.

***
I have now found myself in a precarious position. This fall my girls will be venturing into regular high school instead of me home schooling them. It sounds though like I may still be home schooling someone else's daughter. I keep yo-yo-ing back and forth on this in my mind and I need to just sit and talk with her parents about it....when they come back from vacation. On the one hand, I gave my word 2 years ago that I would school her with my own girls thru high school. My word is important to me. My word is my honor, like a pulse, truth spoken, (wow is it character or a root of pride?) But on the other hand, we didn't know then that our girls would be going to regular high school. If I stick to my word and continue her education while her parents work simply because I made a vow...aren't I taking away their responsibility and robbing them of the 'next step opportunities'?

***
I know this is really silly, but I am realizing that I miss the rain. I know...dumb. I am loving the weather right now. We are having warm pleasant days with cool evenings. How much more perfect could the weather be? I know to be grateful and treasure each season. I know that we could live somewhere else and deal with floods, or tornadoes, or earthquakes. My husband served enough tours in Saudi Arabia and Puerto Rico that I know the stifling heat and lack of water our soldiers face. I know the season here will change soon enough and we will have rain every day. And yet I am realizing that I long to hear the sound of droplets drumming on the roof, smell the smell of dust washing away, and feel the splash run down my body.

~~~
It is okay, I am okay. This 'season' too will shift. It is a guarantee. I will get over myself and look to important things, real things, things that don't start with the word "I". Like I said, maybe putting it all to keyboard will help me let go.

Inherit the Wind...

Friday night was an interesting night here at the house. The other high school girl that I home educate came over with her family and we settled into the couch with a big spaghetti feast and an interesting topic movie to view. The movie, Inherit the Wind, is a 1960 classic. It is a historical/fiction piece of work that walks along the sequence of events pertaining to a significant court case in American history dubbed the "Scopes Monkey Trial" of 1925. Specifically what happened was that a teacher was prosecuted by the state of Tennessee for teaching Darwin's theory of Evolution in his class when state law mandated that only Creationism be taught.

I purposefully did not tell the girls any more than that. I did not tell them that watching this movie would cause just about every fiber of their anger and indignation to rise up and protest the ignorance, haughtiness, and arrogance in the details of the characters portrayed. I did not tell them that it would cause them to evaluate more closely how easy it is for man to fall and lose sight of morals. I did not tell them that it would be a perfect example of showing that when a person does not know why they believe what they believe......in anything, it would cause that person to fall hard and possibly not recover. Nor did I tell them that the movie would cause them to be even more aware of not putting people on high pedestals, high pedestals that are sure to topple over with the slightest breeze.

Instead I let the movie unfold itself to them. It did not take long before I started receiving the looks. You know those looks that flash, "Did they just say what I think they said?" That was soon followed by sighs, gasps, tisks, and then verbal expressions. About an hour into the movie they couldn't contain their thoughts anymore and we stopped for a bit of discussion.

It was such a great night. I was so proud of each of the girls as they broadened their comfort zones and delved into discussions of: what is moral, what is correct, is anyone immune to the character faults portrayed, how fast does ignorance feed, and is ignorance ever satisfied.
We talked about the fact that this trial essentially changed the face of the American education system. We brought up the truth that nothing good will ever happen by simply looking the other way.

I love this movie. I have watched it 3 times now and I think it needs to find a permanant home on my shelf. The truth and conflict of the movie really strike a chord in me. The dialog is deep and thought provoking, leaving my mind in motion long after the movie ends.
Here is a short clip with Gene Kelly as his movie character E.L. Hornbeck, portraying the newspaper reporter H.L. Mencken.

Doughnuts Anyone.....

I noticed on my news home page this morning that today is National Doughnut Day. Two things came to mind when I saw that. The first being the idea that we have a special day for everything here in the USA. Do we really need a labeled day for eating super fattening sugar dripping items? But my second thought was more along the lines of memories. I guess I have been thinking memories a lot lately. I am usually a "live in the now" person and don't think about the past so all of these little strolls have been nice.

Doughnuts:

All through my growing up years, my Portuguese grandma...my Nana, would make Malasadas. It is a yeast doughnut with a yellow inside and no hole. She would drop it by big spoonfuls into cooking oil. In a matter of maybe two short minutes, the goo would cook and become a brilliant deep golden brown. Then she would dip the finished blob, the size of 2 fists put together, into a pot of thin sugary glaze. Whenever she made these doughnuts, she would create huge batches of it to share with all of the family. Because of that it would be an all day job and the house would smell heavenly for days afterwards. Bags of Malasadas would be in the refrigerator and freezer for our convenient grabbing. As if that wasn't a treat enough, Nana would then take the doughnuts and cut them up into slices. She would then either toast them or fry them in a breakfast pan with a bit of butter.

With my new found thinking on eating more healthy, I have no desire to run out and grab doughnuts today. But with the memories floating around in my mind, I just might ask Nana if she would like some help in making some Malasadas so we can have them again.

(Here is a picture of me with Nana just a couple of months ago. She would flip out and crown me a good one if she knew I posted her picture here. It was one of the rare occasions when she actually allowed her picture to be taken.)

For now though, I need to run to the grocery store and get ingredients for a feast tonight. I am doing the spaghetti and bread thing for everyone. Students and parents are going to be in my living room tonight to watch Inherit the Wind. Have you ever seen it before? A dear friend introduced me to it a couple of years ago and it is now one of my favorites. I haven't told the students much of anything about it. Instead I want them to watch it, feel it, get justifiably angry, and then we will talk about how the pride and arrogance of people applies to us today.

I have been stuck on auto-pilot this week. My mind and thoughts are missing writing/blogging but at the moment I have been pre-occupied.

Pre-occupied with what you ask? Well now that we have a new water heater in place, praise God!!! (and thanks to my brother-in-law who is a plumbing parts delivery driver), I have been catching up on the laundry.



Plus with my in-laws coming into town tonight, I have been making sure the house is up to snuff.
No, the pressure isn't from them. They are so great and my mother-in-law is one of my biggest cheerleaders in understanding my time limits. I do the pressure myself because I want everything just right.

Tonight, we have 11 family members coming over for dinner. For some, that is a cake walk to prepare for and for others it is a huge amount to feed. I tend to sit right in the middle. I find it works best to simply not think about it and have fun.

The menu tonight is spagetti.....

and home made bread.

In the midst of preparing the above, below is a sample of one of the things I taught today....

-2X + 8 = -X + 2

Can you solve it?

Quotable Ben Franklin...

Yes even on my day off, I think about school.

We have been studying the founding of this country for the past couple of months and just finished up a study on Ben Franklin. You know, as a kid, I thought history was so very boring. I would memorize whatever I had to just to make it thru the test and then promptly hit that metal delete button as soon as I turned the paperwork in. Now a days though, I can't get enough of history. I still don't remember it all very well, but I find it amazingly interesting.
I wonder why that is?......
Maybe since I am geared to be a romantic, I find the integrity and honor of yester-year to be so much more inspiring than the current society days I live in. I am sure there is more drawing me than that. But it is the first thing that comes to my mind.

I have been looking over the livable quotes of Benjamin Franklin lately and I find them to be a great array of rules to live by. Some are humorous and goofy while others could really make a differnce in today's society if they were paid attention to. You can find his list at this site.
Though they all make me smile, here are a few that I find of personal benefit:

• Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
• Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.
• Silence is not always a sign of wisdom but babbling is ever a folly.

This is my current favorite...

If you would not be forgotten when you are dead and rotten,

either write things worthy of reading or do things worth the writing.

Thank you Mr. Franklin.

Reprieve....

Today is a holiday, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day to be exact.

With being a home schooler, and also in the past with running a small school, I have had the fun task of choosing what days we take off and what days we stay open for education. This is a day that I have always labeled as a school day, not to be disrespectful in any way mind you. I simply choose to press forward with school.

The students have always grumbled to me, "The public school kids get to sleep in today. It's just not fair."

My reply has always been the same so they can quote me verbatim now. "If the good Dr. has the ability to look down from heaven at this very moment, he is blessed and honored that you have chosen his special day as one of higher education instead of slothfulness."

Ah, then how much was their surprise last night when I declared that today would be a free day. See, we had a notice posted on our door last night that the water utilities will be turned on and off all day long for maintenance inspecting. I decided that it would be too difficult to run classes without proper restroom and kitchen facilities.

So, in a new way for us today, Dr. Martin Luther King, we honor you.

For 12 Years Now....

When our girls were still little babies, I felt the strong assurance that God wanted us to home educate them thru at least their primary years. If you happen to read this, it tends to be a topic of debate so you will either relate and accept our situation, or you will think we are nuts. Either way is okay. All I ask is that you keep in mind that God calls us all to do different things. Whether personal convictions pertain to drinking, movie watching, dancing, .....(this list could go on forever) ..... that is exactly what they are....personal convictions.

Being around others who home school, I have come across all types of attitudes and reasonings. They range from the family who does it because the public school system has failed their particular situation to the extreme conservative who fears that their child rubbing elbows with others who don't know God personally will only cause them to rebel and assure their souls a secure place in the fire pits of hell.

Where do I stand on it all? I sit on the fence post. I think that if a person feels led to home school, more power to them. If a family wants to put their children in public school, they can be very successful and a wonderful experience. If a family wants to go the private schooling way, that works well too. All of it to say that what we each do with our children is ours to do and can be a great experience as long as the family stays involved with one another.

The past 12 years have been very rewarding for us. We wouldn't trade them for anything. Now is a new time and season though and God is calling us to change. For the past several months, I have been feeling a stirring to enroll our youngest, "Rosie", into the local high school next fall. I entertained good days and bad days as I searched to make sure it was a correct decision. I sipped coffee with too many of my personal and nagging doubts of self.

-Does this mean I am giving up?
-Shame on me for wanting to stop when we only have 4 years left.
-Will she feel slighted that I did her sister all the way thru but I am sending her out earlier?
-What if I never heard right in the first place and all of these years has been for my own selfish gain.
-The faces of the above mentioned extremists ran thru my head like that old horrid Amityville Horror movie.

I know, I know.....really I am all good now. It is my first reaction in most things to cast doubt upon myself. I wallow in it for a bit and then I get a grip and seek out the truth.

So here I am looking upon a new year as a REALLY new year. The next 6 months will stay the same as usual except for the fact that this last semester of school I will spend getting "Rosie" ready for the adventure of all things high school.

"Pippin" will continue her last year with me part time in the fall. She will also be attending the local high school for some part time electives since she will have her CAL program completed. "Harper" will be with me part time next fall as well as finishing her CAL studies.

I had a sweet girl from our youth group come up to me the other night and ask questions about the CAL program. Her ultimate goal was this question, "Miss Julie, do you have room for me in your house of studies? Could you school me too like you do the other girls?"
As much as it pulled at my heart, I told her no and that God had other doors of opportunity for her to explore.

They say that 8 is the year of new beginnings. I am really feeling that. I am looking at the possibility of having every other day to myself. No mom hat or teacher hat for 7 hours out of the day. I have NEVER been in this situation before. It is a few months away of course but I am giddy and nervous all at the same time. What will I do with my time? I am sure I will lay around for a bit...just because I can. But I know that will get old. I like to do things. I have already promised not to do something extreme like run out and get a job. I must get over this being tired all the time thing and do some things for myself.

I was once asked what I would do when I am finished schooling the girls. I stated that I know there will be a time of adjustment for me, a time when I mourn and miss the "days of old". It is reality. But I look forward to the opportunity to mourn miss and adjust. It is my right.

It will be a time for finding me. I know I am underneath all of those hats somewhere. Occasionally that me peeks out.
My goodness I will have time to focus on getting healthy. I have grumbled for so long about the 60 pounds I want to lose and not having the energy or time to try.
There are sports that I have always wanted to try and never had time for. Crafts that sit in the corner begging for attention.
Wow, time for me. I laugh and say it is a novel idea.