I Can't Sleep.....

Every now and again I have a day where I can stay in my pajamas all day and play hide-n-seek from responsibility. But by and large I feel the word "busy" accentuates my every day. I know it is my own doing and I am the only one who can truly say "no" or "stop" or "go away". So why don't I set better boundaries with myself?
Maybe because the first thing I always think of is that I never want to look back on life and wish I would have done more.

........I am sitting here staring at the screen and wondering how to put to words what I am feeling and ........oh I don't know.

Here are some random thoughts....

Last week I took my brother and his family to the airport so they could go visit family back east. I was absolutely floored with the memories that were triggered when I stood on the curb hugging him goodbye and praying with him. Dejavu' washed over me as I remembered the last time I did that. It was when they were flying to Texas to see Daddy.  I mustered up the biggest smile ever as I waved goodbye and tried to shake it all off.

Yesterday Hubby mentioned, "Hey I saw your dad when I was driving home today". It was so weird how I know full well he was referring to my dad, my mom's husband, the man I love so dearly and has been such a centrifugal part of our lives for so long.....but in my mind I pictured Daddy and it took my breath away that made my adrenalin rush and hands shake.

Despite what those to situations would lead you to believe, I don't think of Daddy every second of the day anymore. And I can think of him without despair or swallowing pain.

While my brother and his family were gone on vacation we took care of their golden retriever. I forgot what it was like to have a big dog around here.

Speaking of dogs; I have been making food for Kekoa and Conguito instead of buying bags of kibble. I know, you can laugh. My friend Rose said, "Wow that is a whole lot more than a doggie car seat," which is an inside joke for us. The fuzzy boys love it of course. It costs slightly more than the kibble and takes more of my time but it sure is turning out to be more healthy for them.

 Icca Chou, the girl that is currently living with us, is now engaged to be married. It has been an interesting time. The wedding is set for February of this next year. There is lots to plan and do. I am trying to make suggestions without being pushy. I am not the mama.........I don't know how to finish that thought.

Tony, is now in a half way house. He comes by once a week or so to do laundry and get a good meal or two. He is trying to fight his way through recovery and I am so proud of him. He has times when he wants to spiral and I have to be oh so very hard on him.

Pippin has found herself quite taken with a young man. It has been adorable to watch things unfold. Five months ago they caught each others eye and played awkward with blushing glances and silly cheesy smiles. Last month they decided to "officially" get to know one another more. I really like him too. He has upstanding character and enhances her qualities. He challenges her to stretch her independence without causing her to become someone she is not.  I must admit that after some things happened a few months back with some other young men in our lives, I really didn't want to like this one. I wanted to live on planet No Boys Allowed where the hurts of complications don't happen. But he has chipped away at that protective layer and gained my respect. Only God knows what will happen from here.

A couple of days ago I started working on a baby quilt. It is one I had bought material for back in April but hesitated on starting because of the sadness of my old machines. Now that I have a handy dandy new machine I figured it was time to learn how to use it.  This is for our newest grand-baby, Isabelle born in November. Another day or two and it will be finished. I will mail it off to her and she will have it before she turns a year. That is okay isn't it?

I bought material today to make flags for dance worship. I have completely come to love dance worship. It transports me out of myself, my circular thoughts and reminds me that there is so much more that is bigger and better to dwell on. I am anxious to try and make these flags. I hope I can make them well.  I have hesitated for a while because I feared messing them up and wasting money. But I have decided that not trying is the bigger mistake. I must just try and learn from there.

My cello lessons are going well and I am so encouraged. I have learned that it really is a good hobby for me. Because I am left handed AND administratively minded, bridging both sides of my brain can be quite the ordeal at times. Some days it takes me a good 10 minutes of warm ups with my brain telling my hands, fingers and arms to do different things before I stop screeching and play corretly. It is therapy. It soothes me.
I sold the cello (Carlotta) that was too big for me and am renting a 3/4 sized one at the moment. I dislike the idea of renting but I want to learn a few more months of appreciating sound and quality before laying down money on the perfect instrument for me.

Okay, I think I can sleep now.
God bless you richly and know that no matter what, you are infinitely and completely loved by the Creator God.

More Things....

It is so funny the many times I have sat down over the past few days to start typing this post and never gotten farther than 2 sentences because of other pressing matters needing my attention.

For example: this last week (and for a few more days) we are caring for a friend's 2 little girl dogs while they attend to a family emergency. They are sweet bundles of fuzziness to have around. But having all 4 dogs here volleying for my attention as they affirm to themselves they are indeed loved is tiring. I find myself appreciating all the more the strength and patience God gave me in taking care of Daddy and his 5 dogs for all those months.

Then having the 4 dogs volley for my attention while I care for little miss chatter-box-waddle-butt as she cruises all over the house in never ending energy....yes our home is never dull.  I have been teaching her to say, "nooooo bark nooooo bark" whenever the dogs get vocal. It gives her a way to channel her energy when their loud noises startle her. Then yesterday she walked up to Kekoa and said, "good girl sit pretty". She felt very proud of herself for that one as she teetered off and around the next corner of discovery.

A couple of days ago my sister-in-law's car broke down and needed to be towed for some serious transmission work. My brother and sister-in-law live about a half hour away from me and strategically tag team in bringing Angel-girl to and from my house for daycare. The thought of having to share a vehicle for that tag teaming sort of made everything a bit overwhelming for them and we decided to have the baby sleep at our house. 

Oh goodness that brought back such memories for me. I had forgotten what it was like to have a crib next to my bed with sleepy dreaming noises and needing assuring hugs in the middle of the night.  She was such a joy though and we had a blast playing and cruising and discovering and tackling just anything that a 16 month old can find amusing and get into. And I must say that I am so grateful that Pippin was not working that day for she became my faithful extra hands, eyes and energy until daycare was finished.

Here is Angel-girl after our first outing adventure since I have started caring for her.

With all of my attention being divided you may be wondering how my new eating adventure is going. I actually am doing really well and have been successful....for a whole 4 days now. While I laugh at the thought of it starting only 4 days ago I must remind myself that all adventures have a starting point.  But I have decided not to bore you with my food tales here and have opted to start a secondary blog. I have aptly named it My Incredible Journey of Healthy Eating. The name alone is a mouth full right?  For whatever reasons, I am feeling compelled to do thing food thing for now and document my progress every evening as the day comes to a close. Somehow blogging what I am doing and experiencing keeps me so much more accountable. You are welcome to stop by anytime you like.

For now, I pray that you are feeling blessed and cherished. It is true you know. This busy world wants to trick you into not believing it but it is true. You were made an original with a plan and purpose like no other.

Things That Make Me Smile....

Time passes slowly and quickly all at the same time but it has been a good week for us. It is all sort of fuzzy in my head right now so please bear with me while I try to organize my thoughts. Let me share a couple of pictures I snapped with my phone in effort to give you a 'being a mouse in my pocket' kind of feeling.

4th of July

It was a quiet day for us. Well maybe quiet isn't the right word since there were colorful evening displays all over the neighborhood. How about laid back instead. Daddy was pretty sleepy and slow over the weekend so I decided to try and tempt him with a delectable stroll down memory lane. I prepared some favorites for dinner that I hoped would make him smile. I made a small ham (which thank you Mom: baked in coca-cola is very tender) and a small batch of mashed sweet potatoes. Then I did up the jello creation that you see above. He ate about 5 TBSP all together but it made him smile so my goal was accomplished.


Conguito

This cute lil' guy is the yorkie that will be going home with me to become a permanent playmate for Kekoa. (Sigh! Gosh I miss Kekoa!) Conguito is a sweetie and he is attached to me wherever I go. He sits at the kitchen gate and stares at my bedroom door until I come out in the mornings.


In this picture I had just finished giving him a bath because he had been digging at the fence and dirt trying to get at some cats that were just out of reach. He is a silly little wimpy pushover that cowers easily to my command......but when it comes to cats he somehow flips a mental switch in his head and becomes the likeness of Bugs Bunny's Tasmanian Devil. I don't remember the day exactly, but sometime over the weekend he did succeed in grabbing a cat that got too close and it was horrible. I tried to move quick but I wasn't fast enough. Ok that is not a smiling thought so let's move on.





Really?

I had to stop and take a picture of this yesterday when I was running errands. It is a Daiquiri Lounge....with a drive thru! See the window on the right with the arrow that says Drive Thru? Boy is that a million dollar idea or what? (sarcasm intended) I had to laugh simply because at times the oddest thing can be a tension breaker. I don't see how that place can be legal. Not only does the idea of a drive thru obscure the law of no open containers in the car but isn't the purpose of a lounge to....lounge? I sent this picture to a friend and he responded back with laughter pointing out that the cones must be there so patrons don't run into the front of the building.

Chemotherapy

Daddy started chemo two days ago (at 75% of the dosage) and he is doing absolutely perfect so far. No pulmonary flash edema, no side effects yet and his energy has all of a sudden perked up. He has been awake and talkative, had me drive him a couple of places, made some jokes and has been looking around the kitchen for food. Goodness this is all so unpredictable. I was talking with my aunt yesterday about that very fact. She was caregiver to her husband through his battle with cancer and totally remembers that every time you get comfortable with a routine...the body changes things up and keeps you on your toes.

Daddy is not so hesitant to get in the car now that I have shown him how to use a pillow. I learned last year after my surgery (thank you Alice) that a pillow between body and seat belt keeps everything from jarring around inside. That one simple bed pillow is making such a difference in his countenance and pain thresh hold when it takes us 30 minutes each way to get to his hospital visits on this bumpy Texas roads.

We make conscious effort to find the good in things and tell each other so every day. It is like a game we play. Daddy decided to try and eat a burger with me yesterday. He couldn't taste it and enjoy the teriyaki sauce on it but he could feel that it was a different consistency from the other things he had tried to eat. And he kept the food down so that was a major positive.
Then while sleeping last night he knocked out his attachment for his feeding tube and the pump kept flowing everywhere in his sleep. But the positive is that we have been taking such good care of his j-tube that it didn't hurt and wake him in pain when it pulled out.

Angel-girl

I miss home so much but my family does special things to help me stay a part of it all. My special little niece is growing and changing on a daily basis. My brother and sister-in-law published some videos so we could see her and all the new things she is learning. She is 11 months old now and taking steps on her own. Here is a short video of Angel-girl doing on of her favorite past-times....singing.






Another Thing I Am Grateful For

My mom had surgery a couple of days ago and everything went wonderfully well. It was a planned surgery that had been put on hold when she had that small heart attack in May. It is the first time that I haven't been there to help her and watch over her and that feels very strange. But I know this is where I need to be right now. Her sister is there watching over her and being a wonderful encourager and giving me updates and I am grateful. And there are friends. A friend of Mom's came in from out of town to help around the house and then another friend from Hawaii is flying in on Monday. Yes Mom is well taken care of and she is going to feel so much better with this surgery behind her.


Well...

For now I must go. I am on an adventure to find a medical supply store today. We have supplies delivered to us once a month but I am needing to acquire some new things that Walmart and Walgreens don't carry. So yeah! Adventures are fun! How lost can I get?

You are so wonderful. Thank you for your faithful encouragement and prayers. Have a completely blessed and destiny filled week and know beyond a doubt that you are loved and have purpose.

April 19th.....

I haven't written the past couple of weeks because the days have flown by without mercy. Daily school and youth social events have kept me feeling like the over drive button is permanently fixed in the on position. But each day holds joy too and we have all had our share of smiles.

While my brother and sis-in-law were visiting Daddy, we took care of their golden retriever for the week. I don't know who had more fun....Sugar or Kekoa. Here is a typical scene of how they were as long as they were awake.

Even though they are so different in size, they were inseparable. Kekoa had a crusty yellowed head the whole week because Sugar would roll his head around in her mouth and he loved every second of it.

This last weekend Pippin doggie sat two lil' fuzzballs for a friend. They were equally adorable and so very affectionate. The whole experience affirmed to me that Kekoa is indeed well socialized and I need not worry about him when it is time to bring Daddy's dogs up this way.

What other things have happened?.............

I have been getting Pippin ready for prom. Even though she is not in high school now, a friend of hers has invited her to go to prom. It is a fun and new experience for both of them. They are both not the girlie type and in general have rebelled against anything remotely looking like school spirit. But all of a sudden they are kind of giggling at the idea of getting dressed up special and making a memory. And who best to share the memory with than best girlfriends.

It was so amazing to go shopping for a dress. Pippin and I decided to take a cue from another friend and try the local thrift store. Wow! We found a dress that seemed to be made for the sole purpose for fitting her tiny frame and the perfect complimentary color for her. Then when I took it to the check out counter I found that it was 50% off. Pippin rubbed a loving hand on my back as I fought back tears while paying a mere $7.49 for this dress. Here is a picture of her trying it on that day.

We have now conquered the stores to acquire the perfect shoes, earrings, necklace, shawl and all other accessories. All that is left is a small bottom hem that a friend will do for me and a dry cleaning bill.

Yesterday I was able to talk with Daddy for a bit of time. He was sounding quite winded towards the end of our conversation but good all the same. He has finished this first big round of the new chemo and is grateful for the reprieve. It seems awfully cruel to make an esophageal cancer patient swallow huge chemo pills. I encouraged him to ask for either a liquid dose or the okay to crush it into his tube feedings. He promised to ask before he starts up again this next week.

He says that he as well as everyone else is missing me and all are looking forward to my return in May. I have to agree that I am counting the days as well. Even though I am loving being back in my own home and having my family all around, I don't feel that I ever truly left Daddy when I got on that plane. All of my thoughts seem to be paired in conjunction with Texas thoughts and it is wearing me out. Even my dreams are of Daddy and all those over there.

The dreams......the dreams are the most tiring. They range from mundane every day activities to tortuously emotional dreams where I awake sobbing into my pillow. I end up feeling more wrung out than before I went to bed. Last night was one of those nights.

Here....this is something to smile over. Yesterday we all gathered for Sunday dinner at Mom's house and we all took turns playing with Angel-girl. Now at 8months old and growing so fast, isn't she amazingly cute?

Have a blessed and wonderful day today!

Tears Dripped Onto My French Fries....

The girls are on Spring Break this week and having fun with their friends. The whole Gaggle Squad had gotten together at Harper's house so hubby and I had the evening to ourselves and decided to go and split a burger at Red Robin's.

We were sitting there enjoying the hub-bub of the atmosphere, good burgers and fries, along with our tower of onion rings when hubby looked at me and said with a big grin, "Well are you ever so happy with your new little baby boy?"

It was an honest and simple question, a question that deserved a fun and smiling answer. So you can imagine the shock on hubby's face when I welled up with tears and refused to speak for fear of blubbering all over the table. Poor hubby.

It surprised me too as my mind fought through the racing thoughts.....don't make a scene, it's is just a dog, get control of yourself, you are being way too emotional, come on now you pride yourself on being a steady and strong person, yeah and pride come before the fall.......

At the same time I worked through what words I would choose to try and explain myself as my memories passed through mental images stored in my heart of 1993 to 2001.

Bear with me please, because though many would say 'it's only a dog' my heart was forever tied......and then broken. I have to do this because it is part of healing.

His name was Samson. He was a Golden Retriever given to us in Okinawa by some friends of ours. We weren't shopping for a dog at the time. I had a toddler and a new baby at home and felt my plate was pretty full. But Jim and Barbie came to us with this little pup.

"He was the runt in a litter of 9", they said. "We felt so sad for him because there was just no room for him to grow properly in such a big litter and he is missing his front leg. We felt it only humane to put him down but our son Chris refused to let us. He is now three months old and has proven to be the strongest of all his brothers and sisters. Wouldn't you know he is now the biggest of all of them even though he is the last to hobble to his food bowl. We asked God what family could give him the attention he needs and you kept coming to our minds."

Hubby let it be my choice. Though he fell instantly in love, he knew I would be the one doing all the 'taking care of' since I was at home with the babies. One look at that little rolly polly guy and my heart melted. He was strong and sure of himself and had learned very well how to get around without a front leg. He even used his stub (He had a shoulder and part of a leg that extended a couple of inches down and ended with a tiny little paw pad.) for balance whenever he knelt down to smell the ground.

Samson was ever so smart and so quick to train. He became house broken after only 3 accidents. Leash or no leash was never a problem for him because he appointed himself the mighty protector to the girls and I. As a matter of fact, when he was only 8 months old he proved himself to be something of the movie famed Lassie. Our front yard was on a hillside slopping downward to the main street running through the base. As quick as quick can be, our toddler got up from our play area and started running down the hill....quickly losing her footing and control. Before I could even get completely on my feet, Samson ran passed her and stopped sideways. He had made himself to become something of a wall and caught her in his belly so that she bounced off him and fell to the ground. Then he nudged her with his nose to right herself up and waddle back to us.

Really, I promise it is a true store and no fabrication or truth stretching at all.

He went everywhere we went and did everything we did. It is hard to believe without seeing it but even with his missing front leg he loved to swim and did it with excellence. I could go on and on with so many stories but I fear of boring you.

When he was 8 years old, Samson started to slow down. He started to propel himself around the house by walking his hind feet and pushing his one good front leg in front of him, looking something like a wheel barrow I suppose. He was sore all the time but he never complained. He dutifully followed me everywhere around the house, always at my feet so that he could second guess whatever I needed. Eventually it became hard for him to even go outside to do his daily business, a fact that I could tell humiliated him. He would try so hard and then end up hurting himself with cuts and bruises from falling.

His front shoulder could no longer take the pressure of his 70 pound frame anymore. Surgery was not an option because there was no other leg to compensate during recovery. My husband and I did the only thing we could do for Samson. We held him and hugged him at the clinic as the vet helped him go to sleep one last time.

Oh Father God this still hurts so much. Please help me get through this and heal.

We did have a couple more dogs after that but it just wasn't the same for me. I tried to love them. I had compassion for them, I cared for them, but something was missing. I don't know if it was because my life was busy or if I was comparing or if I was just broken. I would often ask inside my heart....what is wrong with me? I didn't even want to be around friends pets and that confused me even more because I had always been something sort of an animal whisperer type of person. I began to think that maybe I just wasn't supposed to have animals anymore....

Until I started thinking about this little guy. When this thought started to grow in my head and heart almost a year ago to research Westies, things began to change in me. It took time to heal and change. God let it become a yearning for me because that is what I needed to clear away the emptiness that was in my heart.

Gosh I am so in love with this little fuzzball. It is only a week that he has been mine and he has completely changed my life. I am so grateful.

I had better stop writing for now and go clean the tears off my face. Thank you for listening and understanding. Thank you for letting me get it all out.

For Real?.......

"So what do you think of the name Kekoa?" I said as we were driving home from the school bus stop.
Both girls commented that it sounded interesting but wanted to know what it meant.
"It means the courageous one in Hawaiian.........and I think it is what I will call the puppy that I am going to pick up on Saturday!"
Good golly there were so many squeals of delight filling my car.

Yes that is right. Saturday my prayers are being answered and I will be getting a little puppy.
As I have mentioned before, I have been researching for months about dog types and then everything about the one I want.
I am getting a West Highland White Terrier, or Westie for short.
There have been so many decisions to make.......boy or a girl, puppy or adult, food and care......
The more I learned the more the desire built up inside me. The really hard part has been the cost. With working to pay off all those bills and be debt free there is no play room to cover the cost of a breeder right now. So I have been telling myself to be mature and wait patiently. It didn't stop me from looking through the ads though. For a while it helped me just to look and know that some day I would have my turn. But lately I have been driving myself crazy with that desire.

So what changed? I happened to find a breeder that listened to my situation and decided it was more important to place her little one in my loving home than to earn a large fee.
I cannot even begin to explain to the fullest extent the excitement and favor I feel right now.

Be ready for tons of 10 week old puppy pictures in a couple of days.

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings.....

As this summer has progressed, I have been earning a grand set of memories to carry around. At the same time though, the past couple of weeks has found me in an emotional funk. It is frustrating because it is a mismatch of silly feelings that drive me crazy. You know, all of those little things that pile up and like to play a continual game of tag in your mind.

Feelings....didn't Barbara Streisand sing a song about them?
If it were not for the ever present guidance and comfort from God, I would spiral into who knows what. Truly, He has the guidance and strength, comfort and wisdom to completely lift this off of me.....and yet I am here because I keep holding on to the junk. Why not simply let go and deal with the things that I can deal with? Why make things so difficult?

Feelings are so erratic and non dependable. On the one hand, it is the ruling guide to love and happiness. It is how we passionately find that knight in shining armor, swim in the peaceful love of a child's embrace, and smile at treasured moments. We can intuitively know whom to trust and which door to walk thru because of our gut emotional feelings. And yet on the other hand, our feelings are what get us into trouble with fits of jealousy, rage, selfishness, and doubt.

I know I must balance my feelings with wisdom and judgement. It is the only way that the scales work correctly.
Maybe if I voice my swirls here it will help to get rid of things. That is one reason why I started this blog....to dare to give voice to myself for myself.

~~~~
I feel silly and ridiculous. After all that has happened here with the dogs, my heart started changing here when we had Trixie for a week. We are still in the same position....it is not financially the right time for a dog, yet I find myself looking thru the ads a few times a week hoping that someone will be giving up the dog that I want. I have names and everything picked out. I have things planned in my head that would make you laugh and label me as one of those wierd pet people. Meanwhile, I want to slap myself and say, "get over yourself girl. Now is not the time so stop pining over something that can't be".

***
I wish I could pick up the people that are dearest to me and hold them in a protective shield. I want to stomp my feet at the hurts and yell that it is not fair. And yet, I know that they have their things to learn and grow in and I must not rob them of that.

***
I really want a new camera. Again...slap slap get over yourself and stop being so centered. Now is not the time. It is like a song I hear on the radio station here. I have no idea who sings it but the beginning verse says, "Selfish heart when did you become the center of the universe?" I can totally own and relate to that song.

***
I have now found myself in a precarious position. This fall my girls will be venturing into regular high school instead of me home schooling them. It sounds though like I may still be home schooling someone else's daughter. I keep yo-yo-ing back and forth on this in my mind and I need to just sit and talk with her parents about it....when they come back from vacation. On the one hand, I gave my word 2 years ago that I would school her with my own girls thru high school. My word is important to me. My word is my honor, like a pulse, truth spoken, (wow is it character or a root of pride?) But on the other hand, we didn't know then that our girls would be going to regular high school. If I stick to my word and continue her education while her parents work simply because I made a vow...aren't I taking away their responsibility and robbing them of the 'next step opportunities'?

***
I know this is really silly, but I am realizing that I miss the rain. I know...dumb. I am loving the weather right now. We are having warm pleasant days with cool evenings. How much more perfect could the weather be? I know to be grateful and treasure each season. I know that we could live somewhere else and deal with floods, or tornadoes, or earthquakes. My husband served enough tours in Saudi Arabia and Puerto Rico that I know the stifling heat and lack of water our soldiers face. I know the season here will change soon enough and we will have rain every day. And yet I am realizing that I long to hear the sound of droplets drumming on the roof, smell the smell of dust washing away, and feel the splash run down my body.

~~~
It is okay, I am okay. This 'season' too will shift. It is a guarantee. I will get over myself and look to important things, real things, things that don't start with the word "I". Like I said, maybe putting it all to keyboard will help me let go.

I Am Breathing....

It seems that lately the time on the clock has been spinning more and more quickly around the dial. With end of year school projects, capstone presentations, volunteering, Sunday school lessons to plan, and all of the general things of family and home.....my head is now swirling even when my body stops moving. In between reading To Kill a Mockingbird and Summer of The Monkeys at the same time ( so that I can know what I am actually teaching) and examining the finer points of Solving for Unknown with Multiplicative Inverse, I am making making a mental list of all the things that I normally do which I haven't had opportunity to do. You know, things like beading, card making, blog visiting, being with friends.

Soon the gears will slow down. That will be so good because I really don't like it when I get in this mode. It is a mode that spins so fast, I know I am not giving correct devotion to any one thing. I see the things that need to be done but I am going so fast that I find I don't want to do any of it. I stop wanting to care and end up sitting with a numb feeling coursing through me. Then the pressure builds, the not caring builds, the numbing builds......it is a vicious and unproductive circle.

The little white dog that was staying with us this past week went home yesterday. Okay go ahead and laugh at how silly I am. I miss her. After that first couple of days when I thought I could be capable of inflicting inhumane pain on an animal, she calmed down and became angelic, while I became a sucker. Sigh...... I missed taking her out this morning, missed her running up to me last night to say a happy hello, and more than once I thought she was bumping up against my leg to ask for attention.

Also, this week was scary for a young teen friend of ours. At the beginning of the week he was admitted to the university hospital here in the city after having a heart attack. It was crazy to say the least. He is a healthy young man and it came as a shock to us all. It turns out that he had somehow acquired an infection in his heart that was attacking and destroying all tissues in its path. He is on the mend now and in a couple of weeks we will be able to find out what kind of permanent damage there is.

Last but not least, yesterday was my last day for volunteering with TIP. I know I have pulled the "I quit" card before but this time I mean it. It is such a privilege and honor to be in a position to be with people and help them when a crisis hits. The fact that I have been able to give encouragement and love to them when their hearts are most exposed to pain, I cherish each time. But I must grip the fact that I cannot be all things to all people at all times. It could very well be an organization that I work with in the future, but now is not my season. I need to allow myself a small bit of breathing room in my days. I cannot take care of others if I do not take care of myself first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Honorable mention of poast of the day from David at Authorblog. I am once again humbled and I must giggle. I am still in the foggy run run mode and when I saw his mention, it didn't even click that it was me. I simply thought, "oh look someone else has my name."

Don't Open That Door.....

Have you seen the movie Daddy Day Care? Here is the movie trailer to refresh your memory...

How Much is that Doggie in the Window.....

In thinking of a title for this post, I started to sing a song I played on my childhood record player over and over and over again. I can still hear it in my head...with scratchy sounds and all....

"How much is that doggie in the window?

The one with the waggily tail.

How much is that doggie in the window?

I do hope that doggies for sale.

Arff! Arff!"

Dogs....until recently, I have always owned a dog and I know that some day I will once again own a dog. Now that I am pretty regular with going out on walks, I have occasionally thought it would be nice to have a companion with me...a small bit of accountability to make sure I get out in the rays of sun. I have wondered if I will become lonely when the girls are off in school and I have time to figure out a bit of me with the unoccupied hours. Maybe it would then be time for a fuzz ball in the house.

I started doing a bit of research on the subject. We have always had whatever pooch landed on our doorstep, which is not a bad way to be. I just want to do things different this time. What kind of dog would suit my needs? I took an online profile, researched breeds and needs, temperaments and dispositions, do they dig, are they ornery, easy to train, eager to please, balanced between needing attention and being able to spend time alone. I even looked up breeders in the area and started estimating how long it would take me to be financially ready.

I have now put all of my information on the back burner. "Pippin" is puppy sitting this week for a friend and it has thrown my world into a spin to have a canine in our house again. She is a cute little thing and we have known her since she was a pup. But the things to think about when having a pet to be responsible for....well I guess I had forgotten.

It is like having a baby again. Is she hungry? Is she thirsty? Is she lonely? Does she need to go outside? Have we been away from home for too long? Would somebody please tell me why she is whining non stop!

Yes, I know that one day I will have a pup of my very own to go on walks with me, be my friend with deep knowing eyes and ears that always listen, and keep my feet warm as I curl up on the couch. But for now, I am definitely not ready. As a matter of fact, I think it will be completely healthy for me to be alone when the girls go to school.

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(David at Authorblog made this an honorable mention for post of the day. I am humbled with the honor.)

Just One More Picture...

Here is a better picture.

We went and played with the little fuzzball this evening.

She has definately found a soft spot in my mom's heart already.

Meet Lani.....

My parents came knocking on our door last night with this cute little bundle.

After 20 years of pinning away, my mom finally indulged her desire for a "fuzzy child".

Say Awe!

Household Shiftings....

Today was the day......
I had a 10am appointment at OHS to put our border collie and lab up for adoption.

My husband and I both grew up in our perspective homes with dogs as a part of the inner household workings. So when we got married, it was natural for us to always have 1 to 3 dogs running around our home. I never questioned it.....it was simply a fact in our minds that dogs made for a happier and livelier abode.

However, over the past few years, I have felt a rising guilt towards those furry family members as our daily lives have become more and more stretched.....schooling, community centers, meetings, volunteering, and of course the general social lives of the 4-7 people that live here at any given time. That guilt and subsiquent conviction, I have tried...unsuccessfully...to communicate with my family.

Over the past few months, I have seen small falterings in their (the dogs) obedience levels as they have learned the classic adage that acting out and misbehaving brings about attention - and bad attention is better than no attention at all.
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So it is done.....they are now in a position to receive better care and love than we had the energy to give.
My family is adjusting. They seem to all understand that this is the right course of action. My "Rosie-girl" has been having the hardest time. Silent crocodille tears ran down her almost 14 year old face as I drove away this morning. It took her a couple of hours after I came home to let me hug her without being rigid. Later in the day I asked her if she'd like to go get that new haircut she had been hoping for before school starts. That perked her up and made a huge difference in her demeanor. No, she is not so shallow that she can be bought and bribed by a haircut. I think it simply helped her to see beyond the moment that was swirling in front of her eyes.

Tonight, my husband took me out to dinner at my favorite place. When our waitress came to take our order, he said, "Hon, get you something you will really like to help you relax." Are you shocked and amazed that I/he/we would do such a thing? If so, I am so sorry.
No, I don't turn to substance crutches to get over my life humps. It was the second strawberry margareta I have had in my entire life. And hey, how can I refuse when he itemizes all that has been swirling around me the past few weeks and what lies ahead?

Oh, it tasted good.
I am purposefully focusing on letting it pierce the rock hard tension that has taken residence in the muscles around my shoulders and neck that ibuprophen makes only a mockery dent in.

Maybe in a few years when the girls have flown the nest, I will find a yearning for a furry companion. For now, I am just grateful.