I Am Breathing....

It seems that lately the time on the clock has been spinning more and more quickly around the dial. With end of year school projects, capstone presentations, volunteering, Sunday school lessons to plan, and all of the general things of family and home.....my head is now swirling even when my body stops moving. In between reading To Kill a Mockingbird and Summer of The Monkeys at the same time ( so that I can know what I am actually teaching) and examining the finer points of Solving for Unknown with Multiplicative Inverse, I am making making a mental list of all the things that I normally do which I haven't had opportunity to do. You know, things like beading, card making, blog visiting, being with friends.

Soon the gears will slow down. That will be so good because I really don't like it when I get in this mode. It is a mode that spins so fast, I know I am not giving correct devotion to any one thing. I see the things that need to be done but I am going so fast that I find I don't want to do any of it. I stop wanting to care and end up sitting with a numb feeling coursing through me. Then the pressure builds, the not caring builds, the numbing builds......it is a vicious and unproductive circle.

The little white dog that was staying with us this past week went home yesterday. Okay go ahead and laugh at how silly I am. I miss her. After that first couple of days when I thought I could be capable of inflicting inhumane pain on an animal, she calmed down and became angelic, while I became a sucker. Sigh...... I missed taking her out this morning, missed her running up to me last night to say a happy hello, and more than once I thought she was bumping up against my leg to ask for attention.

Also, this week was scary for a young teen friend of ours. At the beginning of the week he was admitted to the university hospital here in the city after having a heart attack. It was crazy to say the least. He is a healthy young man and it came as a shock to us all. It turns out that he had somehow acquired an infection in his heart that was attacking and destroying all tissues in its path. He is on the mend now and in a couple of weeks we will be able to find out what kind of permanent damage there is.

Last but not least, yesterday was my last day for volunteering with TIP. I know I have pulled the "I quit" card before but this time I mean it. It is such a privilege and honor to be in a position to be with people and help them when a crisis hits. The fact that I have been able to give encouragement and love to them when their hearts are most exposed to pain, I cherish each time. But I must grip the fact that I cannot be all things to all people at all times. It could very well be an organization that I work with in the future, but now is not my season. I need to allow myself a small bit of breathing room in my days. I cannot take care of others if I do not take care of myself first.

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(Honorable mention of poast of the day from David at Authorblog. I am once again humbled and I must giggle. I am still in the foggy run run mode and when I saw his mention, it didn't even click that it was me. I simply thought, "oh look someone else has my name."

Daily Generalities....

It has been a whirlwind of a few days for me. There is nothing incredibly important or thought provoking to write about. Instead, it is just a sort of re-cap for my own mental purposes.

-----Our oldest daughter and her boyfriend came into town for a couple of days over the weekend. It was really nice to have them around and truly the easiest things have been in quite a long time. Years ago, when my husband and I first got married, he had 3 children already. The oldest happened to be only 9 years younger than me. She was 9 years old and I was...do the math....18 years old. I know that must sound so strange and give some people the shivers. It worked for us though and that is all that matters.

When she was little like that, it was all so easy. I was the coolest thing next to pop rocks and Michael Jackson. But when her teen years came, things subtly changed. No, there was never a rebellion or an outburst declaring I didn't belong or matter. Instead it was a quiet dismissive-ness. I tried to tell myself I was imagining things but others noticed too.
I chose to keep quiet and let time tell its truth though I am sure I didn't get it right all the time. After all, no one ever does.
Now, at age 27, she shows a little bit more with each visit that I just might have a bit of her heart. It was a good visit.

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-----Saturday found me doing the volunteering that I was so ready to walk away from just a short time ago. Confession: I am not ready to walk away. I so very much enjoyed being able to help people thru their tragedies. That must sound awful and confusing. Sure I found myself fighting back tears with one client but it is empowering. Maybe this will help....

We all find ourselves in situations where we know of or see someone in crisis. We want to be able to help, to fix it, to take away their pain. But it is not possible to simply erase life in all of its tragic turns. However, being trained to understand grief and the human emotion gives me an edge. To give a person the opportunity to express their lives and hearts in the dirty pain that they are in and have them know it can totally be about them and nothing else....is freeing.

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-----In between calls, I was able to do some card making. My supply of "been thinking of you" cards were dwindling so I used the opportunity to build up my stock a bit. Here are a few things I came up with...

-----Sunday was filled with the fun of church and afternoon visiting with friends. The bummer part was that I got hit with a super mega migraine. Smells, food, light, movement....they were all my arch enemy as I slowly drove the girls and I home. I have no idea where it came from but I can still feel the residual affects of it 2 days later.

It gives me this thought.....If I had a friend that worked as a masseuse, I would completely abuse and take advantage of our relationship.

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-----Yesterday found me once again so grateful for my girls. Not that I am ever NOT grateful for them and I am sure I talk about them so much that it gives all the complex that they walk on water or something. I just love my girls and there is no shame in that.

They had a few dollars burning a hole in their pockets and wanted to go to the local clothing store to see about new jeans. while they encouraged each other in their mini shopping spree, I slowly walked around seeing but not really looking at things. Once their precious items were found and paid for, I asked them if they would mind going to the park with me for a quick walk. Semi-grudgingly they agreed.....probably torn between knowing their favorite shows were coming on and because that were worried about me fainting on the trail or something with the previous day's waves still hitting me occasionally.

They ended up being so taken by the park. They ran ahead of me and then back to me just like they did when they were toddlers. they talked a mile a minute and snapped pictures of each other in goofiness as they giggled away. (keep in mind that they are 14 and 16) They jumped on the swings and laid their heads back as they tried in vain to touch their toes to the clouds above. They tackled the mini zip line and performed mock gymnastic moves on the balance beam.

As I sat there watching them and smiling, I noticed another group of teens on the other side of the firs. They sat with drinks, smokes, and profanities rolling. They absently blew off a parent that had brought a needed bag to one of the members.

It broke my heart.

Again, I am grateful.

The Weekend...

I love to write. I really do. It helps me to channel my thoughts and release whatever needs to be let go of. I try to keep in mind the moving words of Benjamin Franklin, "If you would not be forgotten when you are dead and rotten, either write things worthy of reading or do things worth the writing.", because it gives purpose and perspective for me.
Sadly though, I haven't been able to think of much anything I consider worthy of writing lately. It finds me a bit frustrated.

Am I in a writing rut.....or have I just been too busy? Do I simply need more sunshine in my February this year?

I am contemplating not volunteering anymore. I love being able to help and I truly do feel peaceful when I am with a client. It is the rest of the time that has me all knotted up.....waiting for the calls, making sure my day is free so that I can be ready, and for some reason the meetings really stress me out. Listening to how others handle their calls has the opposite effect on me than what it should. I should feel like more knowledge is going into my head in learning about other situations in a round table format. Instead, I panic inside thinknig, "Gosh I would have never thought to do that."
It is okay to try something and then realize it doesn't fit. It is better to try and move on than to never try at all. I just don't know if I am making the right decision.
Gosh am I really that much of a control nut?


The rest of me is good though. Having the youth over on Saturday for Plan B was a great time for all. I think we had a total of 19 people in the house, which is not a huge amount as far as parties go. But considering we had 4 different teen style groups going on in our 1590 sq. ft. house at all times, I think we did rather well.

This weekend also found us celebrating my Nana's 82nd birthday. It was great to relax with my family, talk stories, and play with the baby.

Now it is time to get ready for a new week with new experiences. All I have to do is scoop up my energy into a bucket so I can keep it on hand and not let it run out the bottoms of my shoes.

Counting Blessings...

Nothing I write here this evening would make anyone say......
"Shazam and Great Scott! What an amazing post! I must share this with all of my friends and keep them in the know."

Instead this is simply for my own purpose. Several sweet and encouraging blessings have happened over the weekend and I don't want them erased from my mind by the ravages of the continued ticking clock of life.

1) I have now made it through the first week and a half of school. I think we might actually be having some fun too. Seriously, all of the students are doing great and trying to comprehend the new concepts I throw their way. There are only minor groans as I hand out assignments of essays to be written and algebra to be learned.

2) Our Saturday youth fun event was a success. I was really starting to worry by Friday night. It was my job to organize the long sought after Capture the Flag event. Even though I heard all summer long from the youth as to how desperate they were to play it, I couldn't get any commitments out of them for who would actually attend. This made planning carpools and food quite a headache for me and I feared the game would be a flop. Ultimately that little voice in my head was saying it would flop because of me. Why do I ever give that little voice the time of day? We had a turn out of 26 youth all decked out in camo gear and recon equipment. It was a huge success and today they showed off their blackberry bush battle wounds proudly as if they were golden medals of pride and honor.

3) The person who encouraged me to get involved with TIP asked me today how things were going. He was such an encouragement and wanted me to tell all the details of my calls so I could feel proud. When he asked me if I had any frustrations at all, I confessed that it is the driving to a destination that turns my nerves into a jumble. Don't get me wrong....maps are easy and I can read them no problem. It is just the idea of figuring out a super quick route from point A to B and arrive to any given place in the WHOLE Portland-metro area within 20 minutes that freaks me out and makes my nerves a wreck. And yes I must obey ALL traffic laws.
He asked if I had thought about an after market navigation system. Yes definately I have been thinking about it but as with most everyone else raising a family, finances are tight right now. so, he blew me away by telling me this....
"You do the research, talk to your husband, and let me know what you come up with and I promise I will pay for at least half of it."

Boy that came out of left field for me. Who does things like that?

4) Destiny's grandma came up to me today with tears of gratitude for making childrens classes happen at church. She said that it is such an encouragement to her to know that when she can only bring Destiny to church sometimes once in a month.......that Destiny is learning about the Real God of Realationships of Heart and Grace. That blessed me so greatly. Sometimes I get tired and my discouragement questions why I put all of the energy into it when I can't see emmediate results before my eyes.

After teaching a room full of energized 10 year old boys.....I needed to hear that today.

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock....

Today is THE DAY. It is my first on call shift. I have been up and ready for the past few hours now and for the next 10 hours....I will be ready. Ready to run out the door as soon as my dispatcher says there is a need.

Due to current laws of protection with people privacy (and rightly so) I cannot ever discuss specific details of cases. but I can say this.....
I have mixed emotions about it all. My 60 hours of training tells me that I can handle whatever comes along. But, what if I forget something important?.....ugh... I am after all human. I am excited to complete my "first mission". But then that means that something bad has happened to someone else.
I have been having dreams about it all for the last week. Dreams of the phone ringing, dreams of being in certain situations, dreams that I can't even remember but I wake up feeling the surge of adrenaline and anxiety of the unknown.

Surely I will feel better once I actually DO something.

You'll Find It At Fred Meyers.....

I had stepped into the women's restroom to freshen up after a long day of teaching and school shopping. What I heard in there brought a myriad of different emotions to my mind.

There was a woman in one of the stalls crying. At first I thought she might be on the phone. (I don't understand how people can have phone conversations in a public bathroom but it happens all the time.) I did what most anyone else would do in that situation....I cleared my throat so that she would know she was not alone in the room anymore. My actions though did not achieve a usual reation. Instead, her crying became sobbing. Her sobbing then became humming, mubling, and escalating to singing. She was not on a phone. She was in her own world of pain.

Her statements and song words revolved around a broken heart. "Don't leave me alone," she said. "You love me and I love you." This was repeatedly followed by, "Please don't do this to me." Her words became a chant and rhythm. Though I could not see her behind her closed door, I could easily imagine her swaying back and forth in time to the beat her current world
surrounded her in.

I thought so many things in the few minutes I was in there.
Do I ask her if she is okay? No of course she is not okay. I thought about my current skills as a emergency services volunteer. But then I realized I would be in way over my head. I get dispatch calls only after the police deam a situation safe. Who knows what this poor woman would be driven to do. Would my reaching out to her be her last straw of sanity? Would her hurt and pain be unleashed on me? Whatever the circumstances were that brought her to have no qualms about this current semi display in such a public atmosphere....could they cause her to do something to hurt herself in that stall?

So, I chose to leave the room and notify management.
I don't know what the final outcome was....can there truly be a final outcome in the midst of so much pain?
I just know it has been haunting me.

My House....

Nothing amazing to write or read here today. Just wanted to take a minute and sit with my thoughts online. Sitting here makes me get out of auto-mode and look beyond my "to do list".
I feel like August is getting out of control and it really doesn't start until tomorrow. I am not complaining in the least. I am just not ready to start thinking about school along with all of our other activities slated.

This week holds adventures galore for me......
-the girls are having 2 sleepovers
-providing care for various friends' young children
-youth car wash
-turn and burn to the beach
-teaching over the weekend
-then all of the usual household and office admin. responsibilities

I love it all. Seeing the beach will be great and cause a smile and big sigh to envelop me.

After that things go into high gear with.....
-school planning
-various meetings
-TIP training
-Hood-2-Coast
-painting (no it is not mandatory for me to paint the rest of the house. It is just something that will help me feel orderly)
-bridal shower
-wedding
-baby shower

I do want to make mention that I had a great day on Sunday. My mom and I put together a huge dinner to celebrate my dad. (After being laid off the last several months, he was able to get hired on at a small airline at the airport. Praise God! What a relief that is.) So, I made lumpia while my mom fired up the grill for a combination of bbq wings and bratwurst.
It was so great to sit and visit and laugh with my family. My mom and cousin "lani-girl" always make tears roll down my face as my sides hurt from laughing so hard.

Well how about that.....I didn't think I had anything worth writing today. The above words won't really mean anything to anyone else, but I can now use this to look back and smile as I say, "oh yes I remember that day. That was the day I sat down at the computer frustrated and weighed down but finished with a smile of fond memories and encouragement."

Thank you God for always being an encourager.