Father God, these failing emotions of mine are driving me crazy with inconsistency. How is it that once I was so stable and calm in any situation but now the slightest thing makes me feel like a fragile sapling in a torrential storm? I can be so steady for a handful of days and feel completely normal and then the smallest thing causes me to unleash with fiery anger or tears that make it hard to stand.Yesterday started out so good. It was to compliment a whole string of good days that were in my pocket of memories. Then one person asked me how I was really doing and tears, fears, and doubts came out of nowhere like a starting gun had been shot at a horse race. Then again today was a good day with accomplishments and and joys. But a simple and logical disagreement with the corner "photos in an hour guy" brought out a nasty-ugly-sassy side of me that really needed a slap of consequence.
God I thank you that even now you love me. The song is constantly going through my mind in auto repeat.....
I knew what I was getting into when I called you.
I knew what I was getting into when I said your name and I said it just the same.
I knew what I was getting into and I still want you.
I am not shocked by your weakness.
I am not shocked by your brokenness.
For I knew what I was getting into and I still love you.
I thank You God that your promises are a strong anchor, that everything is a season, that this too will change, that I am not alone, that You carry me, and that each day is new.
Dearest Jules - this must seem a weird, kind of strange time for you just now.
ReplyDeletePlease know that there is no especial formula for grieving, no right or wrong way (despite what others, caring others, may tell or even instruct you with).
I'm thinking that grief and caring is taking you unawares at times when you rather wish it wouldn't - this is all okay. I'm sending caring huggles to you right now.
Sometimes things are just too weird in the cyber world - word verification is "cryman"
Being your friend I wish I could take it all away. I want to take the tears and pain and frustrations shove them in a box and stick them in the back of the closet. But dear friend they would still be there. Sooner or later you would have to face that box. So all I can do is be here for you.
ReplyDeleteSo my dear eating buddy lets go eat :o)
Love the pictures and the post :) Inspiring.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post Jules.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest. Because I do believe all of us can relate to your prayer, and need God to be with us and guiding us every day.
Yes, and as for grief, it is like that. Like the waves of the ocean as someone described it. We can be sure and steady, and then a wave will come and threaten to knock us over.
Thank goodness we have God to lean on.
We go through it day by day, with Him who will never leave us.
ps I forgot to say thanks for your visit, and your prayers for all affected by the floods here. Much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteYou must allow yourself to grieve. This is how it is..... up one minute down the next.
ReplyDeleteYou can only sit it out and wait.
Gradually you will get more and more good days with God's help and good friends.
Wishing you well.
Maggie X
Nuts in May
Hang in there Jules, we are praying & sending good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteI have a fun website for you to check out...might brighten your day
http://reallygoodideas.blogspot.com
Keep smiling & laughing...for me, it soothes my soul.
{hugs} Becky
Sending you thoughts of happiness and peace as you figure your way through this trip no one ever asked for.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need any advice from me re. grieving, as from your blog entries you seem to be managing the process as well as anybody could be expected to. But I did want you to know you're not alone. I lost my dad a bit over a year ago, and not a moment goes by that it doesn't touch me in some way. Guidance of all forms is a welcome blessing.
Grieving is such a difficult journey, dearest Jules...but I am here if you want to talk...email me. I pray for you all the time. And love you dearly. ~Janine xoxo
ReplyDeleteJust here to say that. :-)