Saturday, September 24, 2011
By nature, I am not a morning person. Laying snuggled under the covers after a late night of reading or video watching is my preferred mode of habit. But there is something to be said of getting up as the day is waking. The smells of a September morning are so rich an full. The air mingles of leaves turning and the last of the blackberries ripening in their thorny homes. Today as I walked, a thick fog rolled out in a blanket that clung to the butte and it seemed to carry its own aroma; a mixture of moisture and the deep dark soil it covered.
As the seasons change, I am finding change happening in my life as well.
I no longer am caring for my sweet precious niece. Her mama followed a conviction to stay home and they are so happy now. I must admit, though I love being around that little girl, God met me with my own conviction that I was trying to help them with my strength and will instead of His. There I was trying to be the all in all for someone else in my own strength and determination but then refusing to listen when I would lament to God that the time for my own desires had disappeared. It does indeed make for a picture easily solved as a spectator but so complex as a participant.
So, this week I have found myself pulling in and re-examining my wants and dreams. I don't feel like the walls are threatening to close in on me anymore.
I have begun to take walks again. That makes the fuzzy boys very happy as well as the benefits of loosening up the joints of this body that doesn't feel as young as my mind intends it to be.
I am thinking about my food choices and using my juicer every day instead of wishing someone else could make choices for me.
My cello doesn't have dust on it any longer and its song is becoming more melodic as the screeching scratches disappear.
Moments have presented themselves this week where I have thought to say in different situations, "sure I can do that" or "let me take care of that for you". But then I feel an imagined slap on my wrist, a tsk tsk in the air and a breath of calming hush come over my spirit.
Thank You God that seasons change.
Thank You that You are patient and ever so loving in Your unending grace and peace.
God bless you richly today in all that you do.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Things are going well here on the home front. The summer flew by and ended with Hubby and Puddin' running in the Hood 2 Coast relay; he for the 5th time and she for the 2nd time. They have fond memories of it all. What was my role in the whole extravaganza? I made meals for them, got the house ready for the team to crash on the couches and feel refreshed after showers. I also cheered them on at the finish line. Actually it wasn't just I at the finish line. Pippin and The Poet were there too. No wait a minute......they wandered off lost in each others eyes and didn't actually see when the team crossed the finish line. They are oh so very cute together. But that is another story isn't it.
Now Puddin' has finished her 3rd day of school as a senior and is loving the whole thing. She set everything up so that she has half days and gets out at 11am. What teenage girl wouldn't love a schedule like that? Actually she is signed up to take a 2 weekend class on lifeguard certification. Then she plans to work her afternoons at one of the many indoor community center pools we have in the area.
The real reason I set myself down today is because I want to share something. I will probably trip all over myself in effort to find the right words but the point is to eventually get it all out. I won't even go over and over what I write in effort to make it spin and be attractive the way I like it to be. I will just type and publish to get it out of my system.
I have been thinking a lot about Daddy, about San Antonio, about memories, about......about all of it.
It is not that I am not living in the now. I truly have many things to do and find purpose in every day. It is just that my time frame is still all scrambled. What do I mean by that? Well, without meaning to, I look at the date and think "last year at this time I was_______" and then fill in the blank with any sort of care giving for Daddy that I did. Or Hubby and the girls will say, "remember last year when we did_______" and I have to say that I was not a part of that. Those are just small trickles in a whole sea of trigger examples.
I love my memories. I truly do. They are my treasures that can't be bought for any price but earned by love.
But memories can also be overwhelming. I have found myself asking God, "When will it be that I don't have to finish sentences with ....I was in Texas?"
I have set down so many times to write family back there and end up staring at my laptop screen lost in memories. I don't pick up their phone calls because while I know the best thing to do is to say "I love you" .....I still don't know what to say.
All of the above I know simply will take time to deal with. I have to give myself grace and patience.
There is another area I have been dancing around that tries to rob me of reason and it wants to be so complicated. That matter is my faith. Before I go any farther I adamantly say No I am not struggling with my faith. God is so real, so true, so alive and I am so grateful.
My struggle comes into play with the amazing things I am learning. Bad things happen because we live in brokenness and it is only by trusting in God that those things truly get fixed. I am learning that sickness is not God's plan. Time and time again I see and hear of people being healed. I see and hear on a regular basis that even doctors have no explanation and can only attribute things to being a miracle. I have even heard recently of people coming back to life because of some one's fortitude to not give up in prayer.
I think it is all so amazing. I think it is all so God and incredible.
But without realizing what is going on in my head, I let the whispers start.
The whispers said, Your daddy died because you didn't have faith enough to heal him. Because of you and your lack of belief your daddy died. You were the example for everyone. You failed them and you failed him.
I knew and do know the truth. Yes God's standard is that we have completeness in Him now. We do not have to struggle so deeply in despair and look forward to that undisclosed time when we are put out of misery and sent to heaven. The truth is that God purposes for us to live heaven on earth. He purposes for us to celebrate each day in victory. That is real victory, not "let's pretend victory". The truth is that God's standard is for everything to be fixed now and when that doesn't happen it is not because something or some one failed. It is because for greater unknown reasons it is the exception to the rule.
I would go through all of that in my head and fight back the whispers. But they would creep in when least expected and wear me down.
I kept hearing God tell me to go back to my journal entries and re-claim the whys of going to Texas. He wanted me to remember all of the miracles, the joys and the memories.
I fought it though. Looking through the memories meant I would have to view the hurts as well and I didn't want that. I kept telling myself that if I just stayed busy and occupied it would sort itself out.
Yeah....that is no way to handle a problem....especially a lie.
This morning I gave in. I had a handful of hours to myself and resolved to look, to make note of and to celebrate.
Oh my goodness there were so many things I had forgotten, so many joys, so many miracles, so much healing. Yes some things made me cry. But it was a different cry. It was an embracing and owning cry. If it makes any sense....all I can say is that instead of those memories owning me - I own them.
This afternoon I have a smile and a fresh feeling that I haven't had in a while.
Daddy was definitely healed. No it was not a complete physical healing. He was healed in his heart, in his identity of who he is in God. Lives were changed, hearts were shared. So much happened that wouldn't have happened any other way. No God did not purpose for Daddy to get cancer. But He sure used it to bring so much unexpected good into the lives of many.
I learned that going through my journal and taking small notes on all of my time there....that brought about 16 pages of miracles and important things that would not have happened if I had not been there. I didn't fail anyone. I did the best that I could.
Thank You God for your truth, for your patience and purpose. Thank You for being always here and there and everywhere at the same time.