What Is The Truth....

 Things are going well here on the home front. The summer flew by and ended with Hubby and Puddin' running in the Hood 2 Coast relay; he for the 5th time and she for the 2nd time. They have fond memories of it all. What was my role in the whole extravaganza? I made meals for them, got the house ready for the team to crash on the couches and feel refreshed after showers. I also cheered them on at the finish line. Actually it wasn't just I at the finish line. Pippin and The Poet were there too. No wait a minute......they wandered off lost in each others eyes and didn't actually see when the team crossed the finish line. They are oh so very cute together. But that is another story isn't it.

Now Puddin' has finished her 3rd day of school as a senior and is loving the whole thing. She set everything up so that she has half days and gets out at 11am. What teenage girl wouldn't love a schedule like that? Actually she is signed up to take a 2 weekend class on lifeguard certification. Then she plans to work her afternoons at one of the many indoor community center pools we have in the area.

So......
The real reason I set myself down today is because I want to share something. I will probably trip all over myself in effort to find the right words but the point is to eventually get it all out. I won't even go over and over what I write in effort to make it spin and be attractive the way I like it to be. I will just type and publish to get it out of my system.

I have been thinking a lot about Daddy, about San Antonio, about memories, about......about all of it.
It is not that I am not living in the now. I truly have many things to do and find purpose in every day. It is just that my time frame is still all scrambled.  What do I mean by that?  Well, without meaning to, I look at the date and think "last year at this time I was_______" and then fill in the blank with any sort of care giving for Daddy that I did.  Or Hubby and the girls will say, "remember last year when we did_______" and I have to say that I was not a part of that.  Those are just small trickles in a whole sea of trigger examples.

I love my memories. I truly do. They are my treasures that can't be bought for any price but earned by love.
But memories can also be overwhelming.  I have found myself asking God, "When will it be that I don't have to finish sentences with ....I was in Texas?"

I have set down so many times to write family back there and end up staring at my laptop screen lost in memories. I don't pick up their phone calls because while I know the best thing to do is to say "I love you" .....I still don't know what to say.

All of the above I know simply will take time to deal with. I have to give myself grace and patience.

There is another area I have been dancing around that tries to rob me of reason and it wants to be so complicated. That matter is my faith. Before I go any farther I adamantly say No I am not struggling with my faith. God is so real, so true, so alive and I am so grateful.

My struggle comes into play with the amazing things I am learning. Bad things happen because we live in brokenness and it is only by trusting in God that those things truly get fixed. I am learning that sickness is not God's plan. Time and time again I see and hear of people being healed. I see and hear on a regular basis that even doctors have no explanation and can only attribute things to being a miracle. I have even heard recently of people coming back to life because of some one's fortitude to not give up in prayer.

I think it is all so amazing. I think it is all so God and incredible.
But without realizing what is going on in my head, I let the whispers start.
The whispers said, Your daddy died because you didn't have faith enough to heal him. Because of you and your lack of belief your daddy died. You were the example for everyone. You failed them and you failed him.

I knew and do know the truth. Yes God's standard is that we have completeness in Him now. We do not have to struggle so deeply in despair and look forward to that undisclosed time when we are put out of misery and sent to heaven. The truth is that God purposes for us to live heaven on earth. He purposes for us to celebrate each day in victory. That is real victory, not "let's pretend victory". The truth is that God's standard is for everything to be fixed now and when that doesn't happen it is not because something or some one failed. It is because for greater unknown reasons it is the exception to the rule.

I would go through all of that in my head and fight back the whispers. But they would creep in when least expected and wear me down.
I kept hearing God tell me to go back to my journal entries and re-claim the whys of going to Texas. He wanted me to remember all of the miracles, the joys and the memories.
I fought it though. Looking through the memories meant I would have to view the hurts as well and I didn't want that. I kept telling myself that if I just stayed busy and occupied it would sort itself out.
Yeah....that is no way to handle a problem....especially a lie.

This morning I gave in. I had a handful of hours to myself and resolved to look, to make note of and to celebrate.
Oh my goodness there were so many things I had forgotten, so many joys, so many miracles, so much healing.  Yes some things made me cry.  But it was a different cry. It was an embracing and owning cry. If it makes any sense....all I can say is that instead of those memories owning me - I own them.

This afternoon I have a smile and a fresh feeling that I haven't had in a while.
 Daddy was definitely healed. No it was not a complete physical healing. He was healed in his heart, in his identity of who he is in God. Lives were changed, hearts were shared. So much happened that wouldn't have happened any other way. No God did not purpose for Daddy to get cancer. But He sure used it to bring so much unexpected good into the lives of many.

I learned that going through my journal and taking small notes on all of my time there....that brought about 16 pages of miracles and important things that would not have happened if I had not been there. I didn't fail anyone. I did the best that I could.

Thank You God for your truth, for your patience and purpose. Thank You for being always here and there and everywhere at the same time.

I Can't Sleep.....

Every now and again I have a day where I can stay in my pajamas all day and play hide-n-seek from responsibility. But by and large I feel the word "busy" accentuates my every day. I know it is my own doing and I am the only one who can truly say "no" or "stop" or "go away". So why don't I set better boundaries with myself?
Maybe because the first thing I always think of is that I never want to look back on life and wish I would have done more.

........I am sitting here staring at the screen and wondering how to put to words what I am feeling and ........oh I don't know.

Here are some random thoughts....

Last week I took my brother and his family to the airport so they could go visit family back east. I was absolutely floored with the memories that were triggered when I stood on the curb hugging him goodbye and praying with him. Dejavu' washed over me as I remembered the last time I did that. It was when they were flying to Texas to see Daddy.  I mustered up the biggest smile ever as I waved goodbye and tried to shake it all off.

Yesterday Hubby mentioned, "Hey I saw your dad when I was driving home today". It was so weird how I know full well he was referring to my dad, my mom's husband, the man I love so dearly and has been such a centrifugal part of our lives for so long.....but in my mind I pictured Daddy and it took my breath away that made my adrenalin rush and hands shake.

Despite what those to situations would lead you to believe, I don't think of Daddy every second of the day anymore. And I can think of him without despair or swallowing pain.

While my brother and his family were gone on vacation we took care of their golden retriever. I forgot what it was like to have a big dog around here.

Speaking of dogs; I have been making food for Kekoa and Conguito instead of buying bags of kibble. I know, you can laugh. My friend Rose said, "Wow that is a whole lot more than a doggie car seat," which is an inside joke for us. The fuzzy boys love it of course. It costs slightly more than the kibble and takes more of my time but it sure is turning out to be more healthy for them.

 Icca Chou, the girl that is currently living with us, is now engaged to be married. It has been an interesting time. The wedding is set for February of this next year. There is lots to plan and do. I am trying to make suggestions without being pushy. I am not the mama.........I don't know how to finish that thought.

Tony, is now in a half way house. He comes by once a week or so to do laundry and get a good meal or two. He is trying to fight his way through recovery and I am so proud of him. He has times when he wants to spiral and I have to be oh so very hard on him.

Pippin has found herself quite taken with a young man. It has been adorable to watch things unfold. Five months ago they caught each others eye and played awkward with blushing glances and silly cheesy smiles. Last month they decided to "officially" get to know one another more. I really like him too. He has upstanding character and enhances her qualities. He challenges her to stretch her independence without causing her to become someone she is not.  I must admit that after some things happened a few months back with some other young men in our lives, I really didn't want to like this one. I wanted to live on planet No Boys Allowed where the hurts of complications don't happen. But he has chipped away at that protective layer and gained my respect. Only God knows what will happen from here.

A couple of days ago I started working on a baby quilt. It is one I had bought material for back in April but hesitated on starting because of the sadness of my old machines. Now that I have a handy dandy new machine I figured it was time to learn how to use it.  This is for our newest grand-baby, Isabelle born in November. Another day or two and it will be finished. I will mail it off to her and she will have it before she turns a year. That is okay isn't it?

I bought material today to make flags for dance worship. I have completely come to love dance worship. It transports me out of myself, my circular thoughts and reminds me that there is so much more that is bigger and better to dwell on. I am anxious to try and make these flags. I hope I can make them well.  I have hesitated for a while because I feared messing them up and wasting money. But I have decided that not trying is the bigger mistake. I must just try and learn from there.

My cello lessons are going well and I am so encouraged. I have learned that it really is a good hobby for me. Because I am left handed AND administratively minded, bridging both sides of my brain can be quite the ordeal at times. Some days it takes me a good 10 minutes of warm ups with my brain telling my hands, fingers and arms to do different things before I stop screeching and play corretly. It is therapy. It soothes me.
I sold the cello (Carlotta) that was too big for me and am renting a 3/4 sized one at the moment. I dislike the idea of renting but I want to learn a few more months of appreciating sound and quality before laying down money on the perfect instrument for me.

Okay, I think I can sleep now.
God bless you richly and know that no matter what, you are infinitely and completely loved by the Creator God.

May 2011

I have wanted to sit down so many times and write, but when my screen is in front of me I find myself full of emotion and blank on words.  There has been much to happen in the past few weeks. Often I have a snippet of a few sharing sentences that I make mental note of to share but they become lost or forgotten once I am at the computer.

This won’t be a well written post by any means. I will try to put together things as they come to mind. Thank you for …..well, I just thank you.

~~~~~

I wrote in my last post about our foster son. I have not heard from him since I dropped him off at the MAX Transit station that day. He had showered, slept and eaten well in that 24 hours and I packed him containers of food to go.  I don’t know if they were all the right things to do. Was I helping or enabling? I don’t think it really matters. It was my mother’s heart meeting him in what he needed at the time. Where is he now? I don’t know but I am choosing to hope that he did check into a rehab center and is in the “blackout” phase of his treatment and not allowed to make contact with anyone. God knows where he is and He can help him so much more completely than I could ever hope to.

~~~~~

A couple of weekends ago we drove up to Spokane to see our children and grandchildren. It was a great weekend. The children are growing like weeds and oh so full of character. I wish there was a way we could be closer in distance and see them more often. But our roots are firmly planted and delight in the quiet rain of the northwest while they are drawn to all that Spokane has to offer their young families.

We smiled as the 10 year old obsessed over the pangs of his first crush, smirked as the 5 year old tried to continually “mother” and “handle” everyone around, cuddled with the 3 year old that can never get enough hugs, laughed outright when the 18 month old ran around “honking” her nose with dimpled cheeks and most definitely we sighed plenty while holding our new 9 week old little granddaughter.

 

While we were there we did the big annual Bloomsday route. Hubby ran it with his brother while I walked it with a whole handful of relatives. The actual route was 7.5 miles. But by the time we parked, found our designated starting point, did the route with 50,000 other people, formed another line to pick up our finishing t-shirt and then found the car again…..it was over 10 miles.

I did it! I am so proud of myself. A year ago I was walking pretty regular. But being in Texas with my dad and then coming back home to rain and snow has kept my muscles in a fairly jello state. I was worried they would have to scrape me off the ground.  We did the whole thing in just under 3 hours. Considering we had a baby stroller, my 75 year old mother-in-law, numerous bathroom breaks and having to re-group to find our people…..I think we did amazing. I venture to say I may even do it again next year.

~~~~~

This is the time of year for Puddin’ to be going all over the place with her choir groups for end of year competitions. Last weekend they were in the state finals and placed 10^th. The group was a bit disappointed but I think it is something to be proud of.  Tuesday night they had their big spring concert. Puddin’ had been telling me all along that she had a solo for one of the songs. Little stinker didn’t say that she was going to be singing harmony duets for the whole song.  I posted it on youtube so that I could share. It is just a video clip from my camera but it still lets me be a proud mama all the same.

~~~~~

Next week my brother goes back to work. His color bone is not quite healed yet but he is far enough along that he is chomping at the bit to do more than be at home all day. So that means little Miss Angel-girl will be coming back over here to play and chatter away with her auntie during the week days.

~~~~~

I absolutely love the ministry I have been working with. It is quickly growing into more than I initially thought it would be but not for a single second does that scare or overwhelm me. I personally think that being an assistant is an incredible job. In my mind the pure definition of an assistant is to be extended hands for the head person, to anticipate their needs and equip them to shine fully in their calling. I love it. I love the balancing of being able to cheer and encourage the teams and then in the blink of an eye be able to dial back and be calm assurance for the people requesting appointments. I picture it like I am the bridge of communication between both sides and it is so very satisfying.

I remember sitting in the living room with Daddy last summer and out of the blue he said, “You know, you really need to pursue being some sort of counselor. I listen to you talk to everyone here and you are very good at your insight and patience.”  It blesses me to picture him smiling and watching now. 

~~~~~

I was asked by someone yesterday how I am doing now that Daddy is gone and I have been home for a few months. I didn’t know how to answer. I really wanted to avoid the question all together. Instead I thanked her for the compassion as I stumbled through trying to express a small portion of what keeps me feeling……..like I don’t know how to feel.

I have said before and I will say again (as if in my mind it helps me to validate my lack of being able to communicate) I don’t wish him back. I know where he is and am so grateful for the fullness of never ending joy and love he has now. I cherish the extra time we had and the memories that I never imagined I could own. I am happy to be home and with my family. I love my days and activities. Yet…..no matter what I do with my day it is like Daddy is on part of my mind. Everything seems to bring about a subconscious thought of “What would Daddy think of that?” or “That would make Daddy giggle.” It is almost as if I could turn around and he would be there to lend his input….which is so strange since that was never the pattern of our relationship.

Most every night I dream of caring for him or odd things like arguing with the doctors because he is alive and I am trying to explain to them that he has already passed and they need to let him go. It is exhausting. I am trying to figure out what feelings to own, what to toss and what to deal with. I know that much of what I feel is not part of God’s attributes so I can filter it through and not claim it. But still….many days I almost feel I was better off when I was numb and moving forward. The pictures of us together that I proudly put up when I came home….now I fight wanting to turn them face down because they bring up feelings I don’t want to even have.

~~~~~

In an opposite realm, I feel so strange in my relationship to God right now. I know He is here. I depend on Him being here. I completely trust that He is walking with me, holding me, guiding me, protecting me….and yet I feel so very vacant and distant. I open my bible to read and just stare at the pages. I sit to pray but the quiet is so uncomfortable.

I know that God loves me where I am at but it amazes me that I am still being used. Someone said to me last night that every time she is with me she is overwhelmed with the peace and grace that God offers through His love. It was so very much a humbling thing to hear. I thought, “God I feel too broken right now to be aware of hearing You and yet You still guide my steps to do and bless others. How that works is only by Your orchestrating.”

I feel such guidance when I am helping others. It is a factual and obvious guidance that most often takes no second guessing. I just know it is the right thing to say or do. But for myself I feel vacant.

I most often handle inquiries people ask about me with a careful but quick answer.  It is not that I am purposing to be deceptive. I just don’t know how to answer and would rather look forward to what is in store instead of flat spinning in something I don’t understand. This is such a weird time for me. I don’t understand it. I’ve stopped wanting to analyze and understand it. I choose now to just ride it out and hold on to what I know. I press through and do the things I know to be true and right because I know sooner or later everything will balance out. God promises it will. He says everything is a season.

The truth is that He cares for me affectionately and watchfully (1 Peter 5:7). He sustains me and will never allow me to slip, fall or fail (Psalm 55:22)   That is what I hold to.

~~~~~

At the same time, God is moving mightily around us and I don’t feel that I am missing out on anything.  God is here, God is everywhere but it is so humbling to know that He is finding the open freedom here to so more of Himself. As a church we are getting calls and visits from all over the state wanting to glean what we are doing with our church.  What are we doing?  As near as I can figure to explain, we aren’t tying up God with scores of rules and time tables. We are only opening our minds to how big and great He is.

There is a freedom happening that makes people feel so safe, even when they don’t know what is going on. As our teams go out to share about God’s love people are listening and responding by the hundreds. From all areas of our diverse Portland culture people want to know the intimacy of God….and things are happening.

Here is a link to a post written by one of our friends. Leg Grows Out - Major Healing! His story is amazing and the videos in his story blow my mind. It is a posting that will take maybe 20 minutes of your day. I encourage you to read and view all three videos when you have time. 

God bless you greatly in all you do for you are loved with a never ending passion.

Now Is It Final?.....

If I keep staring at the computer screen will it make things any easier?

I received my inheritance money today.
The amount doesn't matter in the least to me except for the feeling of respect and gratitude in how my father worked with the sheer purpose of leaving something behind for the six of us children.
That thought didn't hit me though as I sat in the car holding the envelope tonight. My only thought was that it is so final.

It is not that having or not having that check would make anything different. Daddy is in heaven and I have a heart filled with memories from the last year with him that I treasure more than anything money can buy. For some reason though, holding that check makes things seem so much more final than they did before.....not that it wasn't all final before. 
It is confusing.
It is a feeling and feelings are rarely orderly.

I feel a huge responsibility in what to do with it. I am scared to cash it, scared I will make decisions in spending and investing that I will wish I didn't do later on.

Wisdom, Father God how I am seeking your wisdom.

Grieving Is Never Orderly.....

Sometimes I look at my blog and want to write a post but then with this season of my life I think that it seems I either write a string of downers or I pendulum to extremes with highs and lows. I look into my imaginary mirror and think, "Why write then? Who would feel encouraged by reading inconsistencies such as yours?"

That small voice answers, "Who would? Anyone who admits to being human and real would. Just tell the truth and it will make a difference."
So this is me being transparent, not only to sort through my own thoughts but also with hopes of helping others.

I have now been home from Texas for 3 weeks. Looking at that sentence right now feels like a shock as I have gone through my days without equating a real time line to anything until this very moment.

As I have said before, I really have been pretty fine. It is so good to be home. I missed the rain, the trees, cold weather, mountains and most of all my family and friends. But somewhere in the recesses of my mind I have had this gnawing thought chip away at me that I am too fine. I have edged out into doing some activities and social events and truly had a good time doing them. But still.....

Saturday morning I woke and felt like I didn't even want to get out of bed. The girls had their social events planned and I had a day of errands and cooking to accomplish on a deadline. There were things to do and though check lists normally drive me, I had no desire to do anything. Desire or not, things had to be done. So I methodically switched into auto-pilot and check marked off my day. By mid afternoon I felt like I had hit a wall and had to pull the car over to make the world stop spinning.

As I sat there absently watching cars go by, I questioned my fragile state and begged God for answers. I saw the pages of a calendar float by in my mind with different dates check marked and circled. I realized that even before I flew to Texas, my heart with already with my daddy and essentially I have lived this past year physically and mentally in 2 very different places. In one place I was mother, wife, teacher, administrator and organizer. In the other I was daughter and care giver. Both situations were as diverse as the climate and region I resided in.

I have spent the last few weeks with it being relatively easy to block off certain feelings because I am in such a different location. It feels like being with Daddy was a lifetime ago. When I have answered that I am fine to peoples' questions, I wasn't lying. I really was fine. So why is it hard now? It is hard because I need to remember that it hasn't been a long time like my mind wants to quarantine it into being.

I find that really; I do but I don't want to talk about it with most people.....my experience, my daddy, my feelings. I do but I don't want to know how they understand and relate because they lost their parents too. I do and don't want to share because their hurt can't possibly be like my hurt. I know that is not true but it is my first thought all the same.

I know all the truths; that Daddy is in heaven, that he is happy and healthy, that he has no pain and walks with no limp, that he has no confusion, that others comment to being jealous of where he is, that he is in the amazing presence of God and one day I will be there with him. I know all these things and believe it all emphatically. But I don't find it comforting for anyone to tell me those things. I find it only makes my own feels feel squashed and non-valid.

And yet, I have a friend who lost her dad just a few weeks before me and I look forward to talking with her about our dads. Even when I really am fine, her hugs are a welcome relief that I don't want to let go of because there is nothing attached to them but a kindred connection that comes from raw experience. There is safety and comfort in that.

I don't mean to sound that anyone else has less compassion or wrong compassion or fake compassion. It is just hard to have to talk about the same thing over and over again. And yet....if no one asked and expected me to simply move on then that would hurt too wouldn't it?

There is no easy way around it.
4 short weeks ago I was in Texas dealing with hospice's crisis care team moving in as I called family members and watched Daddy struggle through his last days. No matter what truths I know in my heart, mind and spirit; the truth is that I am raw and tired.
It is going to take time for me to balance out and feel real.
In time I will not have to remind myself to get through a day.
In time home will really feel like home with no tentacles spread out in different directions.
In time...

My Vision....

Yesterday was Sunday. I was anxious to go to church but apprehensive at the same time. Why?....I don't know. The only pressure I have ever felt there is the pressure I put on myself. Maybe it was because I had my own expectations of how I thought the day should be. Maybe it was because it had been so long since I had been.

It was good to see everyone and even to meet so many new people. 9 months of being gone is a long time. There were many well intentioned people and for some reason I didn't think to plan emotionally for that. I received everything from heart felt condolences to the ones who didn't know what happened and asked if I had fun on my vacation.

By the time worship started I was already wiped out and wanted so badly to simply focus on me and God. What happened next you may or may not believe but I will describe it the best I possibly can.
I couldn't tell you the song we were singing now even if I tried. I just know it was something about dancing with angels. I wasn't hoping for anything. I wasn't asking for anything. But for a split second the ceiling and sky opened up and I saw Daddy in heaven. It happened so fast and so brief I barely had time to gasp.

I couldn't tell you what he was wearing or even how old he was. He was the same but he was different. I can't find words that describe how he was. I simply knew it was him. He was running and laughing and he looked at me and winked with that characteristic sparkle he always had. In that split second I felt his joy and peace....that joy and peace of being with Papa God in complete perfection.
Oh what an amazing feeling.
What an amazing gift.
I could have gone the rest of my life with the satisfaction of knowing he is in heaven without being given that image. I have been learning to adjust to the last images I have in my mind of him being so weak and feeble, hearing his caged and garbled breathing echo in my head for days even after he was gone; those sounds so strong to me that I caught myself wondering how everyone could be so relaxed in the next room while I could hear him struggling so.

But God gave me this gift. I don't know why but He did.
Some would say it was my imagination. It was my way to cope.
But I know what I saw and I know what I felt.
I am telling you, there is so much more for us than what we know in our every day world.

Moving On....

It's been a week since I have written so I wanted to sit down and update things.

Ok I have now erased and started this post over 5 times. God please help me sort this out.

I am glad to be home but feel overwhelmed at the same time. My home is comforting but at the same time it feels claustrophobic for me. My family did so good while I was gone and I feel antsy with trying to find my niche again. For weeks I ate fast food and about a million bowls of cereal while taking care of Daddy. So now my pantry looks like a daunting task as I figure what to feed everyone.

I was so wound up for so long with taking care of Daddy that I am now taking muscle relaxants to make myself let loose. My sleep schedule is finally starting to succumb to not waking every hour as I get used to not needing to administer medication or quell a disillusioned sense of time.

God held my hands and heart while I dealt with being Daddy's care giver, doing everything from bathing him in the middle of the night after an accident to re-teaching him over and over again the simplest of tasks. Now I am trying to find the balance between sorting through it and letting go.

I dream about him. In my dreams I keep trying to convince others that he isn't here anymore but they won't listen to me.

A couple of times I have found myself questioning my actions before I even realize it. If I had pushed his nutrition more would he still be here? Then I throw the thought out with the dirty trash it belongs to, that despicable evil that revels in having us place blame on ourselves and not see God's truth. Daddy's body rejected nutrition and fluids of any sort. Even in his last few days, giving him 10cc of water with his medicine was too much for his lungs to handle.

No, I know I did the best I could. It is just strange to move on after having 9 months of my life on hold, after being with my Daddy and being given time that I never thought I would have in my wildest dreams. It wasn't that long ago that I once thought there would be a day when I would be at Daddy's funeral and no one would know who I was. But reality put me in a place of honor. I went from being the imagined nobody to the daughter receiving his honored memorial flag.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you but it does to me. I think it is amazing how God rescued our relationship so greatly to have us go from barely knowing one another to now. God brought us full circle and redeemed our love to a place of rich honor.

I know not to expect big things of myself right now. I am not going to jump right back into activities and responsibilities. I can't even fathom that next week is Thanksgiving and then the wonderful season of Christmas. I know I need time to just be me and spend lots of time with my loving and compassionate God.

Thank you so much for your encouragements left here in comments and for your prayers offered up to the heavens that never cease to listen.
I pray for you to have an amazing God filled day and that you know beyond doubt you are loved and important.

The Funeral....

Yesterday was Daddy's funeral service. How appropriate that we were able to make arrangements for it to be on Veteran's Day to honor him. The service was beautiful. I have been to a fair amount of funerals in my life for family and friends but none have ever been as difficult as this was. I was completely unprepared and it took me quite a while before I could walk into the room where Daddy's open casket was. Later, I felt the earth spin under my feet when the honor guard presented me with his flag and as the gun volley rang through the air I could feel it echo in my heart.

I am so very tired and find myself stopping in the midst of the simplest task. We are taking a few days to try and help get some things organized with the house and will fly back home on Monday.

Below are the things my brother and I shared during the service. I am so proud of my brother. Before he shared the poem he had written a few years ago, he gave everyone time to think about their relationships with God and the assurance that they too could have access to the strength and comfort that God generously gave to Daddy in this last year.
Here is the poem he wrote....

My Pop

My Pop you should know that I love you so.
You are my friend, my guardian and mentor.
There are so many gifts you've given to me
that I would like to thank you for...

You showed to me what it is to be
Light hearted but not fully a clown.
You taught me how to ride a bike
And to pick myself up when I've fallen down.

I've inherited your laugh and your love of words,
Your vocabulary and your diction,
And even your knack for pausing mid-sentence
..........
To make sure they are still paying attention.

I've been given your walk, your swagger and strut.
Man I got some teasing on that one.
but I just flash 'em your smile and a raise of the eyebrow
And together we all can laugh some.

All this and more you've passed to your son
To mold me into a good man
And I'm proud to be what you've helped me to be
In your image, the man I am.

Here is what I shared.......

I have been trying for days to figure out what I could possibly say that could sum up the life of my daddy. What could I share with you about his character that you don’t already know? How could I put to words the joy and honor of being his little girl for almost 40 years? Even ample use of a thesaurus doesn’t fully give meaning to his determined and unending devotion. And the wealth that I have owned in my relationship with him I have seen magnified over and over again in each of you.

While it pains my heart so greatly to know that I won’t feel those snuggly cuddly papa bear hugs anymore or hear his voice saying, “Good night angel. I love you.” I know that he is in the most amazing place now and I am so happy for him. He is not hurting and he is surrounding by so much joy and love from the amazing star breather and universe creating God that made all of our lives and relationships possible.

Instead I want to share with you a dream that a friend of mine from back home had just before Daddy passed away. This friend never met my daddy but has faithfully prayed for him as well as all of us since the beginning of his sickness. Here is the dream she saw….

Jody's Home-Going

I saw 2 very large angels with gold wing's that nearly touched the ground. There were 2 large gates with 1 angel in back of each gate. The air was tense, like the feeling at a race before the gun goes off, or your team runs on the field. I could tell the gate angels could hardly wait.

A large group of restless people were a short distance from the angels. I did not hear a sound, but I knew when the Lord said "now", in a normal tone - like saying hello if He first met you.

Each gate angel grabbed their gate and threw it wide open. The crowd roared and ran forward. Every person wanted to be the first to hug, shake hands, or pat Jody on the back.

The crowd was so large those toward the back could not see who had arrived. Then people in front started calling back. It's Jody! It's Jody!! It's Jody!! Jody's Home!! Jody's home!! This is as much as I saw, however I have a very strong feeling the party is still going on.

Eternity...

When I posted my previous update a couple of days ago I received many encouragements and comforts via email. One in particular I want to share here is from a friend back home that said:
This morning just as I woke I "saw" the following "picture." Two angel's with very large wings. Each holding on to very large gates. They were looking down the road, waiting to throw the gates wide open for your father. A crowd in back of them is waiting to welcome him home. (I saw this before I saw your email.)

My daddy, always watching over others and wanting to never bring extra attention to his own needs, even had his way in his last moments. For hours into the night myself along with my sister and cousin all stayed by his side holding his hands and soothing him as his body worked to keep doing what it was made to do.
At 12:15am in the single 5 minutes that we stepped out of the room and the nurse went to go get something.....that was the time that he decided ok everyone is occupied. Now I can do what I need to do with no fan fare without anyone fussing over me.

My daddy is now at peace and more healthy and happy than he has been in his entire life. There is no more pain, no more sinus problems, no more stomach irritability, no sore nerves, no arthritis, no nothing.
That has all been replaced with God's unceasing never ending joy in a new body that will never age or break. He is immersed in a beautiful forever atmosphere of perfection the likes of which our imaginations can only grasp the concept of in a minuscule reality. He is with his parents and siblings and wife and most importantly he is with the Creator and Artist who fashioned his life out of love and intense devotion for a purpose far beyond this temporary earthly time.

Those who didn't receive a phone call from me please understand and don't be hurt.
Knowing that our time was short I pushed myself in the things I felt mattered most. Now my body is completely depleted from lack of sleep and my feet and ankles are so swollen I can barely walk. My cousin has devotedly stayed by my side to tend to my needs in all the things I have not the strength or thought process for and I am so grateful. My husband and girls will be flying in tonight and other family is on their way as we begin working out details for the next few days.

Thank you for all your prayers over these last many months.
Thank you....

Changes...

So much has changed.
The strength of our minds and what we will ourselves to push through has never been more apparent to me than it is now. It amazes me to look back now and realize just how much Daddy has been pushing himself through with his continual response of "I'm just wonderful".

Wednesday morning at 5am Daddy got up from his chair and in 3 steps he lost the last of his physical strength. With God's help I was able to keep both of us from falling and fen angled him back into his recliner where I balanced him on the edge of his seat for almost 2 hours until my morning help arrived.

Daddy is now comfortable in the bed and I must keep him medicated around the clock for his safety and peace. Once he became weak, Daddy's physical health declined rapidly. In a matter of hours we went from being able to walk outside and carry on short conversations to my own fearing realization that I couldn't not safely provide care for him by myself.

Our amazing angel, our hospice care manager, began the process the yesterday morning of getting around the clock nursing staff in here to help me. I am so grateful. Such a weight has been lifted off of me in knowing it is not my sole responsibility to continuously assess Daddy's vitals and think of every angle of his care. It is such a relief to not have to plan out how to turn him and change him by myself. The nurse here has helped me to adjust his medication and get him into a place where he is more comfortable than he has been in a week.

Despite his lethargy, his body's refusal for nutrition and hydration as well as his lungs becoming more wet by the hour.....he still tries to lift his hand and mumble when I whisper "I love you" in his ear.

My brother is here now and he has been such an amazing support. His presence here has given me the opportunity to relax my mind and not think ten steps ahead. As he laid his luggage on the floor he was asking me to show him how to use the various pieces of medical equipment here so that he could do everything that I had been doing.

I don't like to leave Daddy for very long and I sleep on a chase that I put next to his bed. But having the nurse here last night gave me the opportunity to feel safety in submitting to sleep. Until the nurses arrived with their blessed help I had been administering calming medication every hour with no breaks for 3 days straight and sleeping in 3o minute increments.

Family will be driving in today and Red Cross has made the necessary arrangements to get our youngest brother back here from Iraq.

I don't know what will happen now but I am so grateful for God's hand in keeping us safe and for providing caring and gracious people all around.

The Stirring Spoon...

Last night Daddy fell again. It was a very innocent thing and as we are learning....stuff just happens.
He was outside with a family member and went to lean against a support post but missed it all together. That sent him spinning and he broke his fall on the corner of the house with the middle of his forehead before landing on the ground. He has scuffs on both elbows and both knees as well as a skinned up "beauty spot" on his head about the size of the palm of my hand.
Poor guy.

Hospice came right out and did an assessment for concussion and bandaged him up nicely. I sure am grateful for their 24 hour services. It is such a blessing to have someone just a phone call away while Daddy can stay calm and relax in his recliner. And as an extra benefit, I have been told over and over again that our nurse is the best case manager in the whole division....which I agree. I am so grateful for her professional knowledge as well as her support and encouragement as a friend.

Daddy accepted the bed with ease. Thank you! My cousin came over the morning it was being delivered and explained it to him in a way that appealed to him most...his logic. There are some things that I can get away with getting him to do because I am his daughter. But other things like the bed...he wouldn't have accepted it from me and would have put his foot down in authority. Those things then default to my cousin and she handles it all very well. It was simply a matter of : using his insurance to its fullest advantage. This way we have a bed here that we didn't have to go buy and its available if anyone happens to need a nap.

Plus with it being electric we will use it to do his dressing changes and it will really save on our backs because it can raise in height. Being the loving man that he is, he wanted to do what he could to make us more comfortable. Yesterday after his bath aide left (which was a male aide and they got along wonderfully praise God) I set him up in the bed for clean dressings and he fell asleep for 30 minutes! Yahoo! I will take every milestone we can get and celebrate gladly.

His dreams come and go. Sometimes we are sitting in the bleachers waiting for the ball game to start while others are a dream that rather resembles an old tv show. He even said to me, "I know this sounds like some crazy tv show but I swear to God its the truth. Please believe what I am going to tell you."

Whatever his story is, I have learned to go along with it as best as I can and he will usually refocus or get tired. It stresses him more if we try to argue and explain reality.

This morning was a bit different and he was quite determined with his thought process for over an hour and a half before sleep over took him again. He'd had a fitful night of sleep after his fall and was wound up pretty tight. He was determined that he needed to go find something in the front yard and commented casually that he might just take a quick climb over the fence to go after it. After going through the front door we got all the way next door before I was able to coax him back into the house by using the logic that it was 55 degrees outside and we were in shorts and pjs.
Since he has fallen back asleep I have stood guard over him willing the phone not to ring in disturbance. I am praying he wakes with a calmness and feeling refreshed.

I look at him, this man that is my Daddy and even now I am so grateful to be here. I don't understand all that has happened to him in such a short amount of time but I see he is still in there. Our minds are a powerful thing and he has an amazing memory. It is just that something of a stirring spoon took a twist inside his thoughts and swirled them all together.

He is still my loving and caring Daddy.
I don't know what memory he was entertaining last night but as we were getting ready for sleep he grabbed my hand and said, "I want you to know I saw what you did for that little boy today. You stood ground when no one else would and I admire you for that. You are a very special woman. Tomorrow is going to be another shock wave to tend to but know that I will be there standing beside you. It will be my honor to do so." That sort of stuff makes me want to hug him and never let go.

My brother will be here in 2 days for a weekend visit. I am so grateful he can come. Daddy is really looking forward to it too. When I first told him a couple days ago about the impending visit he welled up with tears. Every day since, he brings it up several times that his son is on his way here and how much he has been looking forward to more time with him.

For now I must get going.
Take care and enjoy your day to its fullest. In all that you do know that you were created with purpose and destiny and fashioned with an everlasting love.

Thank You God for your love and support that never fails and never ends. Your whispers of encouragement in the gentle embraces of a hug and even in the breeze tickling through the trees speak of your amazing presence.

Heart Blessings and Recipes.....

My step brother is spending the night tonight to give me a full night of sleep. Praise God I am so grateful for the help. Daddy was up every half hour last night until about 5am. I never could figure out the right combination of too hot/too cold or too bright/ too dark until he realized himself that he was having a hard time. Then the silent tears on his face told me he needed a hug and a prayer and he was instantly asleep.

When we come to mind this weekend please be praying for us. Even though he is so weak and forgets what he is doing in mid task....he is upset that I ordered a bath aide and insists he can do it all by himself. I haven't even broached the idea that a hospital bed is being delivered on Monday. I am going to have to catch just the right opportunity and phrasing in presenting it to him because he feels that having that bed here is a representation he doesn't want to deal with.

I completely understand that and have held off for a long time because of his feelings but my back is really killing me as I try to do medications and dressing changes stooped over his recliner. A bed will be safer for him too I think. Many times at night when he is disoriented he says to me, "oh by the way miss. Where should I sleep this evening?" I explain that he has preferred his recliner for the last several years and he is happy with that but I sure would love to point him to a real bed.


The above picture was taken a bout a month ago when some of Daddy's special friends were visiting. They sent it to us in the mail the other day along with other pictures and a card full of loving well wishes. The original picture is much better than this one. I just took a cell phone shot of the original so I could share it here.

Why is this picture special to me? Yes, it is of me and my daddy. But I also see something in this picture that I didn't share with anyone when it was taken. For the past few months I have been sure to be the picture taker for people who visit because I know they want something to cherish and hold to. But my last picture with him was back in March when we did The Melting Pot dinner. I had secretly been asking God if I could have a picture taken of him and me but never felt it conducive to the right time in our daily routine.

That is just what happened that day. I was snapping pictures with every one's' cameras and then his/my precious friend said, "Okay now its your turn for a picture." I wanted to cry right then and there with gratefulness but held back and tried to memorize the feel of Daddy's arm around my shoulder. I've had a million hugs from him since then and I cherish each one. But this one was somehow different and I felt like we both knew it.

~~~~~

A couple of days ago my step brother was over for a visit and Daddy was taking a nap. Having an extra person here afforded me the opportunity to do some baking...which is huge therapy for me. I do enjoy meal cooking when I know others will enjoy it but I stress over the tiniest detail in wanting everything to be right....and always end up making way too much. But baking is something like breathing for me. Give me a recipe to bake and focus on and my step suddenly gets lighter.

That day I chose to make almond cranberry biscotti. I know that sounds like a crazy time consuming thing to make given my circumstances right now but I loved every second of it. I figured even if it took me 3 days to do the double baking in between Daddy needing me then that was perfectly okay by me.

I have made this recipe a few times now and though I have many biscotti recipes at home, this one has become my favorite. It is really easy and with having no oil or butter in the ingredients list it makes for a pretty guilt free decadent treat. I am sharing it with you here so you can give it a try and enjoy it too.

Cranberry Almond Biscotti

Ingredients:
2 1/4 cups all purpose flour
1 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
2 large eggs
2 large egg whites
1 TBSP almond or vanilla extract
1 (6oz) package dried cranberries
3/4 cup sliced almonds
optional: 1 bag Hershey's Dark Chocolate Chips (for drizzle and dip coating)

Directions:
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees
- Combine dry ingredients in a medium mixing bowl.
- Whisk together eggs, egg whites and extract in separate bowl
- Add liquids to the dry ingredients and mix with an electric mixer on medium speed (I just use my clean hands so I know for sure when it is all mixed from the bottom.)
- Add cranberries and almonds and mix thoroughly.
- Using a liberal amount of flour on your hands, divide the dough in half on a cookie sheet and shape into logs approximately 14" long and 1 1/2 " wide.
- Bake for 30 minutes.

- Reduce over temperature to 300 degrees.
- Take biscotti bread off cookie sheet and place on cooling rack for about 15 minutes.
- Cut biscotti into 1/2 inch slices and lay on their sides on cookie sheet.
- Bake each side for 10 minutes.

- If you would like to coat with dark chocolate for an extra nice touch (both on the palette and presentation):
- Melt dark chocolate chips in a microwave safe bowl stirring at 30 second intervals to keep from burning. (Usually takes 1 1/2 minutes total)
- Lay wax paper out on the counter.
- You can chocolate your biscotti different ways:
* Dip one end in and then lay on wax paper to harden. This gives a sweet treat while keeping fingers clean while you eat.
* Drizzle by spoon over biscotti that is already standing up on wax paper. Chocolate gets everywhere but it is fun art work.
* Spread chocolate on the bottom of biscotti with a spoon and then stand on wax paper.
- No matter what you choose, let the chocolate set for a few hours and then pull off the wax paper and store in loose covered container.

Makes approximately 2 1/2 dozen.
Also makes a fun gift accompanied with some homemade hot cocoa mix.
(I use empty sterilized old candle jars for putting cocoa mixes in...but that is another recipe to share on another day.) :-)



Enjoy and be blessed in knowing you are so loved.

The White Room...

On the whole....
We have all either had the kids / seen the kids / or been the kids (that incorporates everyone) who would protest at the thought of being tired and not want a nap. Yet when the magical slumber finally overtakes and does it's battery charging, the protester wakes up with a new outlook on life. As we grow and mature in emotion we learn coping skills to listen to our bodies instead of covering up that little voice that says "I don't wanna".

I am learning that this is one of the things that my daddy is losing. As his body and mind get tired; he fidgets, mumbles, arranges imaginary items and slips more into that confused state where all time lines become one.


I wrote the above last night after Daddy had gone through several hours of being tired but not wanting to sleep. Even as he was slumped over in his chair he still wouldn't let me lay back his recliner and kept waking himself up to do imaginary sorting tasks. It is so hard. I feel for him. I can see when reality hits him that he hasn't been his usual self and it scares him to be out of control of his normal behavior. Watching him deteriorate from cancer and chemo...I used to think it was a cruel thing. Now that his short and long term memory is failing I think it is the most horrid thing for a person and their family to have to cope with.

I know that the stories I relate here can be overwhelming and heart breaking to read and imagine. If they get too much to bear, it is okay to not read. I understand. But I want to encourage you to read beyond the pain and continue to see the ways that God is bringing us comfort and showing we are never without Him. With God.....well there is simply no other way I could have the strength to bear all of these heart wrenching months and still find joy in things.

This morning Daddy woke to thinking he was in college and I was one of his fellow peers. While I never pretend to be someone I am not, I do go along with his dreams now because it is less stress and trauma for him. Usually he will simply give up on the dream and commence to enjoying whatever I set us to doing. I convinced him that we didn't need to be in the living room (he called it the lecture hall) and we could instead bundle up to head outside to the patio (he called it the commons smoking area) for a cigarette break.

He marveled over his dogs and was very worried that they would get lost in the yard (he called it the campus) but I assured him we were in a fenced area and they were safe. It was quite a blustery morning and I offered to go back inside to fetch a blanket for his legs much to his thankfulness. I was gone all of maybe 15 seconds.

When I returned with the blanket he looked at me with tears covering his face and said, "What is your name again?"
I pleasantly said, "Oh it's Julie."
Instantly pain, shame and fear became his expression as he threw out his arms to me and blubbered, "Oh Julie my baby girl! My precious angel baby! I didn't know who you were! I am so sorry!" Then he threw the blanket off his legs and patted his lap. "Come on baby. Come sit in your daddy's lap and let me hold you please. Oh my baby. My baby girl."

As careful as I could, I did balance myself into his lap.....because that has been such a wish of mine all these months....the comfort of being in my Daddy's lap one more time.

He switched into protective father mode and ushered us into the house out of the cold, tears still streaming as he marveled over his little girl. I offered him some breakfast and asked what he desired. His response was, "Baby girl anything you want to do for me would be wonderful. Just surprise me."

I walked over and gave him a hug and that brought on a fresh wave of deep soul wailing as he sobbed, "I will take that over anything any time. I am so sorry I wasn't a better father to you. I should have done so much more."

I held his face in my hands and said, "Oh Daddy, You are the best daddy in the world and I am so proud you are mine. I wouldn't change anything."

At that point my cousin walked in for a quick visit after getting off night shift in ICU. I was so grateful she stopped by. Poor thing didn't know what she was walking into but took over for me for a few minutes. She had Daddy tell her about his dream in hopes of being able to shake it off. He said that when I went to get his blanket, some people ushered him into a white room and told him to sit down. Then they all began looking at one another and asking the question, "Do you think he is ready?" "No not just yet." They all looked at him and said, "No you aren't ready yet."

When he told her that part, the tears came fresh as he said, "I wanna be done. When will it be enough?" He grabbed our hands and pleaded, "Please pray with me." We prayed for peace, we prayed for comfort, we prayed for clarity. Then he settled down and went to sleep.

That was all in the first hour or so of the day. The rest of the day has been pretty uneventful for him as far as drama goes. My step sister came over to be with Daddy while I got out for a few hours of reprieve and errands. I met with one of Daddy's work friends for lunch. She is such a sweet young woman who thinks of my daddy as kin to her own in her heart and I thoroughly enjoyed our time together. Afterward I did things like cut my hair, bought our grand daughter her birthday gift and shopped for groceries.

Once I got home I met with the hospice nurse and did our mid week check up. I ordered care for a bath aide to come in three times a week and also for us to have delivery of a hospital bed. Daddy is not going to like that at all but I will have to cross that bridge and tell him eventually. I think at this point it is better to have it here and not use it than to wish we had it and not have it. Our nurse again stressed to me that even though Daddy is confused now, there will come a time soon when it will be more so. She made it clear that whoever needs to see him while he is clear that they really need to do it now.

Physically Daddy is getting around well with his walker and has good strength. Sometimes he even grumbles and rolls his eyes when I catch him trying to walk unsteady without his walker. I am working hard at getting his calories into him every day but so far I have only succeeded in 1000 per day. I can't use the feeding pump anymore because the tubing confuses him so much. His "figure things out by taking it apart" persona wants to do just that when he sees this strange tube coming out of his belly OR when he wakes in a dream state it is simply too much for me to wrestle with as I deal with imagined places and people. So every 1 1/2 hours during the day I bolist his feeding and water into his peg tube via syringes. Before this last round of chemo he was doing 2500 calories per day. Eventually I think this 1000 calories will take a toll on him but I am doing all I can do and don't chide myself for it.

And life is still going on in other areas of my heart as well. Dear Pippin had the wonderful experience of serving jury duty this week. It was quite a journey for her to get the time off work and venture downtown on mass transit to the city courthouse across the river but she did and I just know this has all been one of those milestone growing experiences for her. I am so proud of her.

Puddin, my baby, is about to turn 17 years old in 3 short days. Hubby just had parent teacher conferences last night at her school and heard glowing reviews from all. You gotta know how exciting that is to hear as the mama. She is handling her school schedule with extra zero periods and then social life with being one of the band drummers for youth and singer for adult worship very well. I am proud of her too.

Father God I thank you for your care, your grace, your mercy, your love, your presence and your never ending encouragement. Thank you that even when Daddy was so desperate today he knew that You could make things better. Thank you for clear starry skies tonight and the cool wind that blew today giving me a ticklish reminder of home.

Swirled Together...

I am amazed at how quickly things have changed. Just a few days ago the chemo had robbed so much strength that every step Daddy took was a teetering brink of disaster and I was sure he and I would both end up on the floor even when using his walker and a gait belt. I feared every sound would wake him from a nap and bring about a new barrage of incoherent confusion. I don't know how else to relate it, but it sorely reminded me of when the girls were babies. I slept when they slept. My eyes and ears were in tune to every breath and movement they made to guard over their safety. That is life with my daddy now.

Things are a bit different now. We have started him on a medication cocktail called ABH which is an acronym for Adivan, Benadryl and Haladol. I know using the drug Haladol brings concern for many because of its reputation. Frankly the hair stood up on the back of my neck when our hospice nurse first suggested it. But I have now learned that the combination of the three together offsets those side effects. For us it has become the key element in balance for Daddy.

The ABH is counteracting the agitation and anxiety along with his confusion to a certain extent. The nurse says that over time the chemo treatments have really taken a toll on the cognition firings of his brain. Like I said before, it is how his body has shown over time to handle stress. We are all realizing over time we saw signs that he was pretending and going with the flow when he wasn't sure about things. We attributed it to him waking from a nap or confusing the days because he didn't get out of the house much. It was so much more than that but he didn't want to admit it either.

The ABH is helping to balance that out. Eventually we will need to increase his dosage as things progress. For now his time line is blended with a somewhat manageable mix of past, present and dream images all at the same time. He knows me as his daughter, trusts me to answer all of his questions and do all things for him. At the same time he questions several times a day who's house we are in or when I decided to move away from Phoenix (even though I have never lived there). He will regularly ask me to get his brother George from the next room (who died some 45 years ago) and then, like last night, cry at his own admission that brother Marvin will be the last one alive of all the 6 boys. I have to give him constant directions around the house because he forgets where items as well as rooms are and often thinks we live in a 2 story home instead of a ranch style. Last night when I told him it was a one story home again he sighed, looked me in the eye and said, "Julie, just go ask your mother and she will explain it all so you can understand ok."

This morning he was too agitated to sleep so I gave him some mail to open. I don't mean it to sound bad by saying I did it to occupy him. It is just that his brain needed something to focus on. He can't focus to read what he is opening but he knows the envelopes need to be opened and it calms his need of knowing he is supposed to be doing something.

Physically his strength is returning from the run of chemo. He is more sure footed and I stopped using the gait belt 2 days ago. His strength doesn't last long as we found last night when he wanted a shower. It took us both a hour to complete the task because of needing breaks. I think from here on out I will arrange for a bath aide to come by a few times a week.

Over the weekend my step siblings and cousin came over for a meeting so we could all be sure to be on the same page of understanding. While I know they have their own lives: families, homes and jobs to tend to....I have asked for help. I can't keep watch over Daddy 24 hours a day with no breaks at all and they totally understand. I have asked for a minimum of one day a week to run errands and get away and 2 nights a week to get a full night of sleep with no worries. I also posed to them that while I can sometimes pick up the phone to call for help, I need them to be making most of the effort to check on us. Much of the time my hands are too full to think of grabbing the phone for balance. They understand completely and want to do whatever they can to pitch in and help; not only for my sake but for spending time with Daddy.

There is only one in the family that refuses to come over right now because it is too hard to accept and see Daddy this way. I Know it hurts greatly. I understand and can only pray that God and time will heal the painful reality before the are regrets.

For now that is all I can update you with.
Thank you so much for your faithful consistent prayers and encouragement.
God bless you richly as you go about your day.