Friday, November 19, 2010

Moving On....

It's been a week since I have written so I wanted to sit down and update things.

Ok I have now erased and started this post over 5 times. God please help me sort this out.

I am glad to be home but feel overwhelmed at the same time. My home is comforting but at the same time it feels claustrophobic for me. My family did so good while I was gone and I feel antsy with trying to find my niche again. For weeks I ate fast food and about a million bowls of cereal while taking care of Daddy. So now my pantry looks like a daunting task as I figure what to feed everyone.

I was so wound up for so long with taking care of Daddy that I am now taking muscle relaxants to make myself let loose. My sleep schedule is finally starting to succumb to not waking every hour as I get used to not needing to administer medication or quell a disillusioned sense of time.

God held my hands and heart while I dealt with being Daddy's care giver, doing everything from bathing him in the middle of the night after an accident to re-teaching him over and over again the simplest of tasks. Now I am trying to find the balance between sorting through it and letting go.

I dream about him. In my dreams I keep trying to convince others that he isn't here anymore but they won't listen to me.

A couple of times I have found myself questioning my actions before I even realize it. If I had pushed his nutrition more would he still be here? Then I throw the thought out with the dirty trash it belongs to, that despicable evil that revels in having us place blame on ourselves and not see God's truth. Daddy's body rejected nutrition and fluids of any sort. Even in his last few days, giving him 10cc of water with his medicine was too much for his lungs to handle.

No, I know I did the best I could. It is just strange to move on after having 9 months of my life on hold, after being with my Daddy and being given time that I never thought I would have in my wildest dreams. It wasn't that long ago that I once thought there would be a day when I would be at Daddy's funeral and no one would know who I was. But reality put me in a place of honor. I went from being the imagined nobody to the daughter receiving his honored memorial flag.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you but it does to me. I think it is amazing how God rescued our relationship so greatly to have us go from barely knowing one another to now. God brought us full circle and redeemed our love to a place of rich honor.

I know not to expect big things of myself right now. I am not going to jump right back into activities and responsibilities. I can't even fathom that next week is Thanksgiving and then the wonderful season of Christmas. I know I need time to just be me and spend lots of time with my loving and compassionate God.

Thank you so much for your encouragements left here in comments and for your prayers offered up to the heavens that never cease to listen.
I pray for you to have an amazing God filled day and that you know beyond doubt you are loved and important.


  1. You are doing good Jules! My friend/neighbor lost both parents within a year and half of each other - both had the exact same brain tumor/cancer. She was so tired still from helping care for her father, when her mom was diagnosed. She moved her mom to her home and became full time caregiver - still not recovered from those dear last months with her father. Her mom passed away this past January and I noticed late spring and during the summer how energized she was. How her smile was not heavy. She had refound her rhythm in the new normal.

    So hang in there. You will feel lost with your time for a while. You have been through such a trying and blessed time. You left your orientation, moved into disorientation, experienced healing and a wonderful new relationship, oriented again, and now, well you are in disorientation and it too will settle.

    I am SO happy for you, having gone from a thought of being a stranger to being so honored!

    Have a great weekend!

  2. Jules. Thanks for your visit to my blog. Yes, I am sure enjoying the visit from the little family. Great to be altogether at the beach at last.

    But, I haven't been able to visit here, and I see such a lot has happened since I last caught up. Your Dad has gone, and you are at home. So sorry that I haven't been here. But my thoughts and prayers are with you, as you rest and and catch up with yourself, your thoughts, and your family. And I am pleased to know that you will be easy on yourself as you go through this process. It has been such a special time for you. May God go with you all!


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