I Can't Sleep.....

Every now and again I have a day where I can stay in my pajamas all day and play hide-n-seek from responsibility. But by and large I feel the word "busy" accentuates my every day. I know it is my own doing and I am the only one who can truly say "no" or "stop" or "go away". So why don't I set better boundaries with myself?
Maybe because the first thing I always think of is that I never want to look back on life and wish I would have done more.

........I am sitting here staring at the screen and wondering how to put to words what I am feeling and ........oh I don't know.

Here are some random thoughts....

Last week I took my brother and his family to the airport so they could go visit family back east. I was absolutely floored with the memories that were triggered when I stood on the curb hugging him goodbye and praying with him. Dejavu' washed over me as I remembered the last time I did that. It was when they were flying to Texas to see Daddy.  I mustered up the biggest smile ever as I waved goodbye and tried to shake it all off.

Yesterday Hubby mentioned, "Hey I saw your dad when I was driving home today". It was so weird how I know full well he was referring to my dad, my mom's husband, the man I love so dearly and has been such a centrifugal part of our lives for so long.....but in my mind I pictured Daddy and it took my breath away that made my adrenalin rush and hands shake.

Despite what those to situations would lead you to believe, I don't think of Daddy every second of the day anymore. And I can think of him without despair or swallowing pain.

While my brother and his family were gone on vacation we took care of their golden retriever. I forgot what it was like to have a big dog around here.

Speaking of dogs; I have been making food for Kekoa and Conguito instead of buying bags of kibble. I know, you can laugh. My friend Rose said, "Wow that is a whole lot more than a doggie car seat," which is an inside joke for us. The fuzzy boys love it of course. It costs slightly more than the kibble and takes more of my time but it sure is turning out to be more healthy for them.

 Icca Chou, the girl that is currently living with us, is now engaged to be married. It has been an interesting time. The wedding is set for February of this next year. There is lots to plan and do. I am trying to make suggestions without being pushy. I am not the mama.........I don't know how to finish that thought.

Tony, is now in a half way house. He comes by once a week or so to do laundry and get a good meal or two. He is trying to fight his way through recovery and I am so proud of him. He has times when he wants to spiral and I have to be oh so very hard on him.

Pippin has found herself quite taken with a young man. It has been adorable to watch things unfold. Five months ago they caught each others eye and played awkward with blushing glances and silly cheesy smiles. Last month they decided to "officially" get to know one another more. I really like him too. He has upstanding character and enhances her qualities. He challenges her to stretch her independence without causing her to become someone she is not.  I must admit that after some things happened a few months back with some other young men in our lives, I really didn't want to like this one. I wanted to live on planet No Boys Allowed where the hurts of complications don't happen. But he has chipped away at that protective layer and gained my respect. Only God knows what will happen from here.

A couple of days ago I started working on a baby quilt. It is one I had bought material for back in April but hesitated on starting because of the sadness of my old machines. Now that I have a handy dandy new machine I figured it was time to learn how to use it.  This is for our newest grand-baby, Isabelle born in November. Another day or two and it will be finished. I will mail it off to her and she will have it before she turns a year. That is okay isn't it?

I bought material today to make flags for dance worship. I have completely come to love dance worship. It transports me out of myself, my circular thoughts and reminds me that there is so much more that is bigger and better to dwell on. I am anxious to try and make these flags. I hope I can make them well.  I have hesitated for a while because I feared messing them up and wasting money. But I have decided that not trying is the bigger mistake. I must just try and learn from there.

My cello lessons are going well and I am so encouraged. I have learned that it really is a good hobby for me. Because I am left handed AND administratively minded, bridging both sides of my brain can be quite the ordeal at times. Some days it takes me a good 10 minutes of warm ups with my brain telling my hands, fingers and arms to do different things before I stop screeching and play corretly. It is therapy. It soothes me.
I sold the cello (Carlotta) that was too big for me and am renting a 3/4 sized one at the moment. I dislike the idea of renting but I want to learn a few more months of appreciating sound and quality before laying down money on the perfect instrument for me.

Okay, I think I can sleep now.
God bless you richly and know that no matter what, you are infinitely and completely loved by the Creator God.

72 Hours.....

Sunday night my mom's little girl dog became very ill. An emergency visit led us to finding out she developed a sudden case of Addison's Disease. After much worry and big vet bills we were able to bring her home yesterday with a new plan for daily diet and monthly medication that will help her to live and long and happy life. I am so grateful. That precious little fuzzball brings my mom so much joy.

Monday Pippin and I made the hour drive to look at a car for sale at the same dealership where Hubby and I bought last December. It ended up being an all day event but well worth it. Our "friends" at the dealership did us fair and honest in giving our daughter a good deal for her first big purchase. I am excited for her and tinged around the edges with that odd parental feeling of seeing my little girl grow up jsut a bit more as she takes those "rights of passages" steps to full adulthood.

Last night our foster son came back to touch base with us after being out of contact for a while. He has hit bottom (hopefully) and has been clean for 2 days. He sat with me last night crying at the realization of his choices affecting his life as well as others who love him. He made the first phone call last night to checking himself into an inpatient treatment program and then slept on our couch feeling safe for the first time in a long time. I played worship music all night and prayed over him to stave away the nightmares and withdrawals.

Today I pray for straight answers and strength for him as he follows through with the next steps. I pray he can get into a program quickly.

Last night and this morning was also a time for young teenage drama with friends of my youngest daughter. Multiple phone calls with cries of 'Mama Julie this......' and 'Mama Julie that....' left me frustrated. I love them and I know they are only trying to wrap their heads around what they are capable of. But goodness all I wanted to do was scream 'Get over yourself! Enough with your petty self serving attitude! There is so much more to life than your small event!'
But that serves nothing but my own emotions. Nothing ever gets better by lashing out in emotion.

So here I am focusing on this thought.......Breathe in for it is a new day and new days bring new hope and renewed expectation.

Thank You God that I don't have to do things in my own strength but can look to You to tackle anything that comes my way. Thank You that You are in charge and Your plan and promise says "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jeremiah 29:11)

This song has been my constant for the past few days. In my head, in each breath, as my thoughts drift in sleep.....this is what I hear........

I pray that wherever you are, no matter what you are doing, you know that you are loved and special. You have a purpose and a destiny that no one and nothing can take away from you. You have an amazing identity filled with love and joy and celebration.

Phone Call....

I had a phone call from our foster son yesterday. It was a shock to hear from him and good to know that he is still alive. I had not seen him or heard from him since a week before Thanksgiving when he came over asking for a hair cut. That is 9 months.

He told me that he hadn't been in contact with any of us because he was too ashamed to tell how things had been going for him. Then he said he had been living in a tent behind a local market store on the other side of town and eating apples out of the trees for food.

It breaks my heart....at 20 years old that he has been choosing to live that way.

He said he is on some one's couch at the moment and looking for a job. He was calling because he felt things were looking up and he wanted me to know it.

I really hope that this time he uses this opportunity. I pray that this time is the difference and he steps into his self worth.

What Feelings They Are....

This is a picture of Jonathan Michael.
He is the new baby boy of our 19 year old foster son. He is so beautiful and at 6 days old, he already has the exact expressions of his father.

I was able to hold him, Jonathan, for a couple of hours on Sunday. I saw, felt, and thought so many things while I sat there staring into his sweet sleeping face.

My feelings are all over the place. We had opportunity to be in the young father's life for a time....and yet not be a lifetime parent. We had a window to speak wisdom and destiny into being but not a lifetime of cousel and relationship.

What is in store for this innocent little child? God knows and for that I am grateful.

How Do YOU Parent....

I received an email from my husband's nephew and his wife yesterday. They are thinking about having their teen nephew move in with them to give him a chance at opportunities that he has otherwise missed out on. They very much want him to have a chance to stay out of a life of hardships and make something of himself.
So, they asked me....How did you do it with yours?

What a humbling question. Really, whether we are looking at it from a parenting, step parenting, or foster parenting perspective......we try our best, but the bottom line is that each child ultimately chooses their future. We can equip and provide opportunities, but they have to choose to step into those opportunities.

Here is sort of a break down of my advice to them:

1)As Mom and Dad you must be unified. You have to walk into this like-minded and in 100% agreement. This like-mindedness includes being able to have down time to talk things thru as they happen.....develop strategies..."football huddle" . In being like-minded, you have to respect each others differences.
For you, you need to understand that (the nephew) is your husband's blood relative and that carries a lot of heart and devotion. At the same time, your husband has to appreciate that because you are not pulled by "the blood tie" you can look at things more objectively at times when Jason can be too wrapped up in heart.
If the situation becomes a division of responsibilities, like: "fine this is your thing. You take care of (nephew) and I will take care of the boys.", in the long run it will submarine your marriage.
If you were to split your responsibilities in half, the boys could resent you or your husband spending all of your time with (nephew).
(nephew) could play you against each other if you aren't in the same frame of mind.
You or your husband could become resentful that all of the attention is going to (nephew) instead of your family.


2) I have learned that it is a fine line to walk in mothering and fathering these big guys. For our guy, he lacked so much nurturing as a child that he craved it like crazy from me. He craved the hugs and wanted to drown in my devotion every day. But at the same time, at this age...mentally they are instinctually geared to pull away from their "mom" influence because it is time to be a man. They find themselves torn between wanting the attention and pushing away from the attention and they confuse themselves. You have to be sure you don't ride their rollercoaster. Don't take it personally. Label attitudes and emotions for what they are and remember to look at the bigger picture instead of just that moment.

3) A major thing with parenting is being able to let them fall and make their own choices. As parents we need to be able to do this with our own children as well, but especially with those that God puts on our hearts later in life...like these teen guys. Because he has been without consistent positive influences, making choices and learning and growing from those choices in a positive way. Discipline and consequences for actions can't be "because I am mad at you" but instead very calmly be "a result of choices made".

4) Along with that ability to let them learn from their decisions, you have to be able to let them go. This is the hardest thing. For some people, they don't get how good they have it until it is gone. If (nephew) doesn't want to receive direction, if (nephew) expects your attention simply because you are family and wants to milk it....you both have to be strong enough to let go. Again this comes with being like-minded.
My guy got to a point where I had to say, "I love you and that will not change. You are a part of our family and your picture stays on our wall. you are not obliterated from our lives, but you are bringing yourself to destruction. If you want this for yourself, with a broken heart I will let you...but not at the sacrifice of my family."

You asked me about house rules:
We had some basic things like letting us know where he was every day. I would stress that it is not like a prison thing. It is a respect thing. When I am not home, you like to know where I am and when I will be home. It is mutual respect that people have no matter what age they are.
Because of our other children at home....no long term visiting in each others rooms.
Speak positive and encouraging...no put downs.
Make sure everyone in the house gets at least one hug from you each day.
If you see something that needs to be done....do it. Integrity is what you do when no one is watching.

We always tried to make the rules a matter of life living. Obedience is something we need our whole lives. If it is not family, it is our boss, our neighborhood, government. Respect and rules will be there our whole lives.

I know...It is alot of words. How else does one sum up the highs and lows of parenting?
Do I dare to insinuate that I have the corner market on all knowledge pertaining to raising kids and I got it all right?...absolutely not.
I simply dare to say that this is my personal experience.
Take it or leave it.

Churning and Boiling......

My hot red-headed temper is flaring, or is it the portuguese in me?

It is so wrong of Hollywood to portray all of these movies about the hard-luck kid who grew up without chances. They start out in a situation of self-pity and down-and-out-luck when a situation comes along that causes them to toally re-think their life in the short span of an hour and a half. They do a complete turn around, change their character, become grateful, and so humble that they teach those around them a thing or two about perseverance.

Am I mad at them for creating that falsehood or mad at myself for a part of me wanting to believe it to be a small possibility? Is it just that it is hard to swallow lies and manipulation after I have been so transparent and sacrificing or is it pride in not being able to bear failure in anything, telling me the "if only I would have tried this avenue...."?

It is times like these when I want to ignore the idea and importance of grace and just punch and verbally tear apart.
But..........I always choose right. God always makes me flash to wearing a person's shoes before I do damage..................

Perspectives

"Whatever floats his boat I guess."
This came from my 13 year old as we were driving to geography class. She then explained to me that she had seen a guy who appeared to be cutting his grass....with a chainsaw. As comical as that mental picture is in my mind, I wonder, was he in actuality working on a tree stump that was out of the eye view of my daughter, or was he in fact a few marbles shy of a full bag and running on a bowl of frosted flakes?

Perspectives...God made us to be so individual, from the complexities of DNA to the ability to have individual thought. That thought and perspective governs our days good and bad however we choose. It affects us in every way possible.

Is the light barely yellow or practicaly red?

Is the flower wilting away or showing one more day of beauty and splendor?

Either way, it is a choice that we make.

My foster son is a prime example of that choice. Raised in severe hardship and having poor role models that were and still are given to addictions on a continual basis, he has a choice to make. He has a world of opportunities that lay at his feet begging to be picked up and used. And yet, the familiar is such a draw and pull.
He can choose to break the cycle and not wear the neon sign around his neck that screams helpless victim.
What will he choose?

Perspectives and choices....they go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.

So today, I choose to be thankful for breath. I choose to have the perspective that each moment has purpose and meaning.
I choose.