Original Recipe.....

Rheinlander Famous Lentil Soup

 

To Make the Stock:

2 large fresh or smoked pork hocks

2 small pork bones

1 medium onion

1 medium carrot

1 bay leaf

6 peppercorns

1 1/2 quarts cold water

Rinse bones and pork hocks under cold water. Place in stock pot and add rest of ingredients. Simmer on low heat for 2 hours. Strain stock and save ham hocks.

For Soup:

4 oz. diced bacon

1/2 cup diced leaks (white part only)

1/2 cup diced celery

1/2 cup diced onion

1/2 cup diced carrots

2 cups raw diced potatoes

1 1/2 cups washed green lentils

For Seasoning:

1 tsp. thyme

2 bay leaves

1/2 tsp black pepper

1/4 tsp nutmeg

2 TBSP white vinegar*

salt to taste

Melt bacon in stock pot. Add onion, leaks, carrots, and celery and saute' until golden. Add one quart of stock, lentils and seasoning. Cook for 1/2 hour then add potatoes and cook until lentils and vegetables are tender. Remove meat from pork hocks and dice very small and add to soup. Salt to taste. Before serving add the vinegar. Serve with sausage and warm bread.

Usually I use 2 cups of lentils and almost never have a leak or the exact meat called for. Split peas also work well as a variation or combination.

*Balsamic vinegar rather than white vinegar seems to be a more mutually enhancing taste I think. 

 The above is a recipe a dear treasured friend passed on to me a couple of months ago when I shared my desire to learn a good lentil soup. (She didn't say it was a secret recipe so I hope it is okay to share here.)
I hadn't tried this recipe yet because my kitchen shopping never seemed to include some of the basic ingredients this list calls for. But now that spring has truly hit our area and the rains have made every corner cold and damp; today seemed the perfect day for a pot of soup.

I laughed to myself as I argued with the recipe and offered it what my kitchen had supplies for. I had no pork hocks, bones or bacon. Instead I cut up a package of skinless smoked sausage links. I had no onion, bay leaves, potatoes or peppercorns. However I did put in 3 carrots, 3 celery, pepper, a dash of salt and some green onion at the end. With my fuzzy dog boys being vegan eaters, lentils are always a plenty and I did a combination of brown and yellow lentils for the protein benefit as well as the added flavor boost. As for the rest of the seasonings; I couldn't find any thyme, I completely forgot to add the vinegar and I most cautiously added the nutmeg since I had only heard of using it in pastry fun.

The things is this: even with all the variations to my offerings, my family went nuts over it. Even the extra people that often end up at my house loved it. My pot is now empty, tummies are full and at the end of the night everyone is still commenting on how much they enjoyed the soup.

As I did the dishes tonight, I thanked God for helping me pull it all together. He said, "You are welcome. Think about this though. There is a lesson to be learned here."
"Really Papa? Is it that we can eat healthy and creative in the kitchen?"

"Well yes daughter (with a smile) that is true. But the bigger lesson is that it is not for you to judge what is going to work in different situations. Nor is it by your strength and wisdom that things come together. Your only task is to offer me what you have. I will take that offering and make a beautiful and complete recipe with it." 

Then my mind flashed through a list of some of the famous people in the Bible that we know of today.

Rahab was a prostitute.

Abraham and Sarah doubted.

Samson was arrogant and prideful.

David had an affair and was a selfish murder.

Gideon needed proof over and over again.

Moses orphaned, had a speech impediment and lacked self confidence.

Then I saw images of famous scenes of the Bible.

Rahab was honest and courageous despite the formidable threat of death.

Abraham and Sarah became parents in their 90s.

Samson killed a bear, a lion and brought down the walls of a coliseum with his bare hands.

At about 12 years old, David fought and killed a giant of a man and later went on 

to be a man after God's own heart. 

Gideon chose the strength of his army by how they drank water from the river. 

Then they conquered in battle with only clay jars and torches as distant weapons.

A hundred thousand people listened and followed the guidance of Moses for 40 years.

These lists could go on and on. That is just what instantly flashed in my mind.
It makes me think about the limitations I put on myself; how I hold myself back without even asking God what He wants to do with "my ingredients".

 So, here at the end of the day, I want to encourage you in a quirky but very real way with a bowl of soup. You have a destiny and a purpose that is made only for you. Each day holds treasure, adventure and hope. All you have to do is step forward and hand God what you may perceive as meager offering. He, is His great wisdom and creativity, will fashion your offering with His guided skill into a beautiful recipe that brings delight and satisfaction to Him and to everyone around you and will speak into your own humble self worth.

God bless you this week with His joy overflowing.

To Fear Or Not To Fear

Recently someone said something to me that has turned my world topsy-turvy.  I have since been chewing on it, trying it on for size and finally deciding that it is complete truth that needs to be added to my daily learning. May I take you on the ride with me in hopes of being encouragement to you as well?

His statement went something like this....

'In our daily habits we find it so easy to label fear as a feeling. We say it all the time, "I feel scared." or "I feel afraid." But the truth that I want to suggest to you is that fear is not a feeling. In actuality, it is a spirit.

2 Timothy 1:7 says: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

This verse refers to having God's love, a calm well disciplined mind balanced and self control as being a spirit. This, I have always believed, comes from the presence of God living in us when we choose to have Him in our daily and eternal lives. The concept of knowing God can change my attitudes and emotions and fill my thoughts with ideas of His goodness; yes those things I understood.


But the idea that fear is a spirit....well this is new to me.
As I said before, I have been thinking about this statement a lot and it is exploding in my mind with shock waves of implication. Not only in this verse, but in others that I found as I was researching for myself, God refers to fear as a spirit. If it is a spirit then it does not belong in my DNA makeup.

Does that mean that I will never ever have fear again?
No. On the contrary, I do have times of fear. What it does mean is that when I recognize that fear is on me, I can choose to say, "Fear is not a spirit that comes from God so it does not have to grip and take control of me. Instead, I choose to have a spirit of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self control."

To me, that is a very empowering notion to be able to do. It also makes me want to apply it to other unwanted feelings that run through me. Thoughts of doubt, self esteem, self centering, depression, stress, anger.....these things do not belong to God so they do not have to belong to me either. 

As I go about my daily things, I have been super charged with thoughts of.....
I choose joy.
I choose to think with a sound mind.
I choose to be loving and calm.
I choose....

Thank You God for your joy, your love and your spirit that You give with delight to all who ask.

By Nature....

By nature, I am not a morning person. Laying snuggled under the covers after a late night of reading or video watching is my preferred mode of habit. But there is something to be said of getting up as the day is waking. The smells of a September morning are so rich an full. The air mingles of leaves turning and the last of the blackberries ripening in their thorny homes. Today as I walked, a thick fog rolled out in a blanket that clung to the butte and it seemed to carry its own aroma; a mixture of moisture and the deep dark soil it covered.

As the seasons change, I am finding change happening in my life as well.
I no longer am caring for my sweet precious niece. Her mama followed a conviction to stay home and they are so happy now. I must admit, though I love being around that little girl, God met me with my own conviction that I was trying to help them with my strength and will instead of His. There I was trying to be the all in all for someone else in my own strength and determination but then refusing to listen when I would lament to God that the time for my own desires had disappeared.  It does indeed make for a picture easily solved as a spectator but so complex as a participant.

So, this week I have found myself pulling in and re-examining my wants and dreams. I don't feel like the walls are threatening to close in on me anymore.
I have begun to take walks again. That makes the fuzzy boys very happy as well as the benefits of loosening up the joints of this body that doesn't feel as young as my mind intends it to be.
I am thinking about my food choices and using my juicer every day instead of wishing someone else could make choices for me.
My cello doesn't have dust on it any longer and its song is becoming more melodic as the screeching scratches disappear.

Moments have presented themselves this week where I have thought to say in different situations, "sure I can do that" or "let me take care of that for you". But then I feel an imagined slap on my wrist, a tsk tsk in the air and a breath of calming hush come over my spirit.

Thank You God that seasons change. 
Thank You that You are patient and ever so loving in Your unending grace and peace.

God bless you richly today in all that you do.

October Days....

(Reader Warning: I let myself write and write until all the words left me. Grab some coffee and a snack before you settle in.)

It is a wonderfully rainy day today.
I love the rain and the beautiful grey skies of fall.
That must sound ridiculous to some, but it is the truth.

I love the smells and sights of autumn; the crackle of leaves, the smells of wood stoves warming, and the wind and rain dancing through the trees. I feel excitement at bringing out the sweaters from storage and throwing the mink blanket on the bed.

It has definitely been a month. Though the month is not up yet, I wanted to sit today and play some catchup with the thoughts rolling around in my head. The girls are all busy right now doing school or running errands for me so it is the perfect time for me to have the computer to myself.

Come take a stroll with me through October.

College Bound

Our church has just begun offering a college study program and I enrolled. Actually everyone in this house enrolled. We are so excited. It is a two year program that will take us on a journey of seeing more and more of what God calls us to be and do. We are plowing through the ideas of religion and how it relates to the Bible. In all actuality, it is shaped to look less like the typical bible college type of programs and more like a self growing and character building lifestyle change. Right now it is so hard for me to describe but let me just give a mind blowing example that I recently experienced here in hopes of relating what this program is like........


I have always read about the miracles in the Bible that Jesus did and thought general things about them. I mean, they were great and amazing. I have never walked on water, calmed a storm, or even raised someone from the dead. Jesus did them and it deserves the "Wow!" from the entire world.....but after all it was Jesus that did them. Of course they were miracles. It was Jesus, you know, the Son of God. Of course He could do them.
(I hope you can hear me in this. I don't mean anything bad in saying that.)

One of our study books is titled When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson. When I got into that book I realized that my understanding and thinking had been off in so many ways.
Here is what I am wrapping my brain around now......

• When Jesus came to walk the earth and became man, He gave up His power and became completely human. Okay I have heard that for some 20 years now.



• If Jesus gave up His power and became just like me then how did He do all of those miracles? Jesus did those amazing things because of His faith and belief in His Heavenly Father.

So when Jesus said "and greater than these you can do too......and with the faith of a mustard seed......." And when I know that He wrestled with all things human just like me......well this just puts it all into such a mind shift for me.

• That means that Jesus had to cast away fear, summon up his courage, and dare to believe that God declares good for His children, hears our prayers, and will act on our behalf.



• That means that it is so much more attainable for me to believe that little ole' me can make a difference, that my prayers are spiritual weapons when coupled with belief and faith.

20 Years and Counting

October 14th was our 20 year anniversary.



It feels nothing like what I envisioned it would feel like to get to this point.
Why do I say that? Of course we have had our ups and downs like everyone else but we are happy. I think that when we look ahead and imagine a place we haven't stepped into yet, we simply don't picture the other things around it. I guess that is why I had a surreal moment when looking at the calendar.

The reality is that life happens every day and we are living in the middle of it and loving each step.


Our night on the town.......
Years ago, we had been blessed with a sizable gift certificate for a fancy steak house here in town. I had placed them in a safe place and .....yeah....couldn't find them until now. That is okay. It was the perfect way to celebrate. This restaurant is actually one of the top 10 in the nation and has so many awards that I gave up counting them.

The atmosphere was heavenly. the fireplace crackled as it's warm fingered images danced on wine glasses. It was quite a cozy setting. All of the staff wore tux attire and when we were seated, the waiter unfolded our linens and placed them in our laps for us. I know a statement like that must greatly show how much I don't hob-nob but I have only seen a gesture like that in the movies.

We both ordered Cesar salads which came out in a decorative presentation.........

Hubby ordered a steak....his favorite. I ordered the Herb Crusted Chicken with a baked potato.

It was all so amazingly tasty.

For dessert, I had the peach and blueberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream and Hubby had a chocolate silk pie. Both were heavenly and we gorged ourselves with all the goodness.

Angel's Wings

Angel-girl and my sister-in-law came to visit me a few days ago. It was such a treat!

That little niece of mine is now already 2 1/2 months old. she is holding her head up and trying so hard to coo. Her smiles make me warm all over and I simply cannot bear to put her down when she is in my arms.

The Corn Maze Craze

Amongst all of the fall festivities, one that brings me tons of smiles is to take our youth group on our annual maze craze. There is a huge farm here in town that makes a challenging maze. They change it every year with new themes, twists, and surprises. Here is this year's maze......

The corn stands higher than the tallest man and is the perfect place to have races and man hunts. Our group went through once to get a feel for the huge maze and then they came over to the table I had set up for snacks and cocoa.

Already covered in mud from a week of rain, they began to plan strategies on how to best one another as the sun went down. If you asked them, they would be quick to tell you that the best way to enjoy a maze is to try and find your way through it after dark.

They played well into the evening and were so filled with mud (and fun memories) that they weren't allowed in our vehicles until they covered themselves in plastic bags.

What I Believe

A few night's ago, I received a call from my daddy. He asked how we were doing and I began a run down on all of our happenings. Shortly into the conversation though, I could tell that was not his purpose for calling and I asked him what was wrong.

He spun a story of not feeling right the past few months and various doctor visits that ended with a diagnosis....esophageal cancer. I asked my questions, put my best foot forward in saying positive things and getting information on what steps will happen over the next few months, and we said we would be talking soon. Then I crumpled after hanging up the phone.

Half of me wanted to stand firm and yell in the devil's face and shake my fist at him to let him know he would not play here. I actually envisioned myself standing over my dad, straddling my territory and declaring war. But then the other half of me was a little girl curled up under the table and holding an imaginary pillow. I fought back the panic of knowing we have only just begun to build our relationship and there is so much more for us to enjoy with each other.

Then I would scold myself for thinking dark thoughts and stand to fight again.

The seesaw went back and forth as I called my mom, my brother, and then our prayer circle.

My brother and I numbly shared our thoughts with one another about the mortality of our parents. It is such a hard concept that the most well intentioned shoulders of comfort can only imagine until actually wearing those very shoes. I know. I've been there. As with just about every one else on the planet, I have had friends and family who have had some sort of experience with death and with cancer, and good grief how we have been taught to shrink back at that very word....the dreaded C word.

Friends who have battled and won over cancer talk about our society's quirks with cancer. You can mention any other sickness in the world and people are fine but if you say you have cancer.....they shrink back as if you are already dead and they might contract it if they accidentally touch you. I know one girl that tells people her cancer scar was a shark bite simply because she feels bad for people in the torture they put themselves through.

It is a disease that can be fought and won just like anything else. And millions of people are victorious over that battle. And yet there I sat already thinking of my dad with one foot in the grave.

I told myself that I had seen miracles, been part of miracles, and experienced miracles. As I had been learning in my class studies, I thought about God's goodness and about my right to pray, to declare victory. But then the thought would creep in....what if I haven't learned enough? What if I don't pray right? If he dies then I failed.

Oh how our thoughts can lie to us.

It has taken me a few days to get my head on straight, but here is what I now know........

• I am a fixer.


• I can't fix this.


• It is my right to pray.


• It is my duty to pray.


• It is God's job to heal.

I keep thinking about something I experienced years ago when my youngest step son was in the hospital. He had been born with many physical challenges and had the first of many surgeries when he was only 4 days old. Not expected to live to the age of 2 years....there we sat nearing his 15th birthday and it seemed his body was finally giving up the fight. We had all been through years of ups and downs, battles with the ex-wife, the drama of this little boy's body being strong and then back tracking 5 steps.

Our pastor was with us and I dared to ask.....When is it okay to not contend? How can we even know what to pray anymore? Is it fair to pray healing? What is God's will?
For years since then PJ's answer has encouraged me through so many different types of situations.

He sighed that painful sigh that I thought was reminiscent of the hard burdens of counsel and pastor must bear. Then he said, "I know it is hard and we can't even pretend to know God's will. But here is what we do know. Since God is in control of all things and since for the moment God is choosing for this boy to breathe....then that is our signal that we are to contend. If things change and he passes on then that is our signal to change our prayers to that of thanksgiving. But as long as God shows opportunity of hope then we contend and press forward no matter what."

So here I am standing and pressing forward. I have a renewed hope. I am assured that my Heavenly Father sees and knows and hears and has a plan for victory.

Blessings to you and your day.

It Occurred To Me......

I have a confession to make and this is my first time sharing this......

The past few months have been quite a change for me. I knew that after 12 years of home schooling, I would need to take time to NOT commit to other things and simply let myself figure out who I am and what defines me. That alone has been a scary concept to trudge into.




Granted.......these past few months have been filled with activity. I have had things on the calendar like my dad visiting and forging a deeper relationship, prepping Pippin to travel across the world to Uganda and back, dealing with her subsequent sickness as well as the waves of my own earth stopping headaches, and many other things...............

But when I have had time to myself at home alone, I put up a "no expectations sign" in thinking that would help me. If I wanted to read then I would. If I felt like watching a 5 hour tv marathon of the latest show series then that is what I would do. I let the voicemail pick up phone calls and spent hours on the computer even if it was only to play free cell or look thru Craig's List. There was nothing life fulfilling in my activities. I just told myself that I deserved to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and eventually I would switch gears.


So, last weekend I was visiting with a friend. There were the usual "how are things updates" and "wow the kids are growing up so fast". Then she asked how I was doing with the time I had to myself. I responded with something that went sort of like this......I am not very productive and though I seem to be always doing things, I have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.

She asked me what kinds of things I have dreamed of doing but didn't have time to do because of raising a family.
Let's see......playing piano, learning the cello, becoming proficient in French, conquering kayaking, having a dog again. Then I rounded it all up with the fact that it will be a few more months, 10 to be exact, before our finances will be free enough for me to explore some of these ideas.


She suggested a popular language learning computer program that she had heard about. When she said that I responded with "Oh I have a french program at home". Then the statement started rolling around in my head like a pinball machine lighting things up. 'I HAVE a french program at home.' 'I have a french program at HOME.' Hmmm........I had been so stuck on the idea that I needed to take a class that I never thought of using that program.


The following day, I was at a leadership meeting and someone made a comment concerning the idea that as much as we are available for others to be transparent with, WE also need to be transparent with one another. Being a leader doesn't mean being unshakably strong and non-vulnerable. No matter what season we are in, we need to be honest with ourselves and with one another.

As people kept talking and tasks were covered, my mind wandered away with that tidbit of thought. It was so very true and something that I hadn't been practicing much of. So I said, 'Lord what season am I in?' It came so simply, as easy as breathing air and drinking water. "You are in a season of fear."

I didn't run from the thought but instead measured it. It was one of those times when truth simply and easily shows itself and all you can do is embrace it for what it is.

Fear? Yes I am afraid. I am afraid of something new. I am afraid of things that are different. I am afraid of failure...........afraid of failing.
The truth was out.

It is the stuff that everyone deals with at one time or another and I was finally labeling it for what it was. I had let is creep in and take hold of me. I had lost the balance between relaxing and pushing forward.

This past week I have chosen to re-define that balance and let go of fear. I made it a point to study French every day. I didn't allow myself to surf the net or turn on the tv until I had my lesson. The result......I feel better about myself. I feel good and satisfied with trying something instead of running from everything.

Next week I plan on starting piano again. Though I cannot afford lessons right now, I do have a beginner piano book that I can work through. After that, I need to start walking again. Just because I don't have a dog to walk with doesn't mean I can't take care of myself.

So this is me pushing forward and stepping out.
Can you relate to any of my thoughts? I hope my sharing can help you in some way.

*** Blogger friends: That is why I haven't been around and I am sorry. You have been so nice to try and check on me. Thank you for your grace and understanding. Can we just call it a fresh new start from here on out?

The Real Focus...

I am going to step into a sticky topic here because I simply want to share it......
That topic is ... my church.
Why is that a sticky topic?
Well, because as sure as people are people, everyone has an opinion, a feeling, and an experience.

It has now been a little over 7 years since we helped to start this church and I continue to be amazed and ever so grateful for the blessings involved, the people, the presence, the relationships.

The relationships.....The older I get, the more I learn that relationship is completely what God is all about. The more I learn, the more I see that the symbolism of "church" has gotten so wrapped up in rules, guidelines, steps, classes, structure, and format.....that the heart core and reasoning for church has been side stepped and forgotten. I often find myself picturing God shaking His head and saying, 'No that is not how it should be. Please just listen.'

My Disclaimers:
No my church is not perfect. None are because people are people....completely fail able.
Other churches are great too. Different churches fit different kinds of people.
There is a time and place for structure...as long as people listen to God's guidance.

With that being said, I LOVE my church. As we seek God's truth from the bible, we also seek His character, grace, and mercy. Continually we strive to have relationship as the main foundation and for people to find comfort and healing in a non-condemning environment.

Why am I bringing all of this up? Simply because last week I learned fresh that the ripple effects of that sort of environment effects the children too.

I have always encouraged my teachers to focus on relationship. I have always said that there is comfort in having a lesson plan and great things can be accomplished and learned with the structure of a lesson plan....but never be so focused on a check list that the children are forgotten. If things turn upside down in class and nothing gets "taught" but the children go home feeling more secure and confident...then GREAT things happened in class.

Ah...but fighting the security of a check list can be difficult at times. In my last post I talked about being empty for a long time and losing focus. After coming back from that retreat, I felt all of that fall away and when I taught the next day at church I felt a renewed sense of purpose in relationship instead of check lists. Boy am I grateful.

I had 2 new students in class, a brother and sister, ages 6 and 8. The little girl was scared to come into class and hugged her daddy for a long time before relenting to step into the unknown. Instead of opening the class time with the usual structure, I chose to break the class into small groups, I took one group and my teaching partner took the other. We discussed the happenings of the week, favorite foods, and how best to eat chocolate (yes I had the girls group). Then the subject of good things and bad things rolled around and the girls began to share with one another what was on their mind. You know what? Even a 1st grader can offer deep compassion in a relationship. They prayed and hugged each other ......without my prompting.

It was at this point that the little 6 year old really opened up. In words that were much too old for her years she took a deep breath and shared this, "Ok I want to share something with you all and it is bad. I mean really bad and sad. Okay, my parents are getting a divorce and....."
And on she went explaining what was on her heart. When she was finished sharing, the others in the group offered their young encouragement, hugs, and prayers. She looked happier and lighter when it was all said and done.

I was so touched and amazed. Over and over it hit me that if I had kept with my check list, she never would have had opportunity to share her heart and find relationships in new surroundings. The other children would have not had opportunity to reach out from themselves and have compassion in action for another.

By the time we pulled the groups back together, there wasn't much time for a lesson, but I think the real lesson had truly already been taught.

Yesterday in church they were visiting again. I saw that little girl smiling and talking with her new friends. She ran up to me and shared what a great day she was having and how glad she was to be back.

Again I felt in awe at the importance of relationship.........the real focus.

(David at Authorblog honored this post with a mention on his post of the day column.)

Confessions of a Stupidly Proud Heart....

I was 18 years old at the time and dating a 33 year old man (my future husband). At the time of this specific story, we were already pretty serious in our relationship. Because of that, I would routinely drive him to work so that he could do a few hours of needed calls and paperwork while I was left in charge of his personal car...and his little baby boy.

On one of these days, I decided to drop into the office for a surprise visit. His office was located in the upper level of the local mall (where he was on special assignment as an active duty Air Force recruiter) so parking proved to be a bit of a challenge at times.

Being just 18 years old (and only having my license for maybe 6 months) I hadn't quite mastered all of those tight parking techniques yet, but I had the youthful thought process to think that I could conquer anything and there happened to be an open space in between 2 other government cars. About a thousand times before that moment, I had seen my boyfriend whip around and back his 1985 Pontiac Firebird into a parking space. I figured it couldn't be all that difficult and I ought to be able to do the same.

I turned, positioned, angled, checked my mirrors and then went for it. Ever so softly I heard a scrape/rubbing sound. Shock and doubt filled my mind. Those feelings were followed by a million other thoughts.

- I can't believe I just messed up!
- I just wrecked the car with THE BABY!
- This is his car...his other BABY!
- I scraped a government car....the military can't touch me but they can make life hard for him!
- I have put a huge black mark of shame in his career record!
- I have ruined his life!

With all of those thoughts swirling through my mind, I did what any sensible 18 year old girl would do.......I parked the car in a different spot, grabbed the baby, and went up to the office with a "nope nothing happened today" smile on my face.

To make matters worse, the army recruiter saw me pull away and told the navy recruiter. It was the navy car that I had scuffed. The navy officer marched out there with a tape measure and everything to compare paint scuff marks and bumpers. As sweetly and determined as she was to get the truth out of me......do you know I played the dumbfounded/denial card to the very end?! Yep I lied. I lied profoundly, absolutely, and stupidly. I looked her right in the eyes and said, "Gosh those are interesting clues to your case but it wasn't me." All I could think of were those thoughts swirling around in my head and I was not about to own up to anything.

It was not until just a couple of years ago that I confessed the truth to my husband.
He was shocked and then we had a good laugh about it.

*****

I was out driving yesterday, all the usual errands, when that whole scene jumped back into my mind. (Do you ever find yourself with that memory lane stupidity hitting you smack in the face when you least expect it?) Ugh! It is so embarrassing! I hope that as I have gained years and experience since that time, I am not as prone to such dumb moments. But then again, it is not 100% likely. Sure it is funny to laugh at and it really wasn't a big deal. Nothing ever happened. The scuff buffed right out. But it makes me cringe all the same.

Why?......

I think because it is a pointed landmark story in my life that illustrates all of the many times that I have so adamantly and without wisdom clung to an empty and futile thought process. Call it haughtiness, arrogance, egoism, narcissism, pride, or self preservation....it really all means the same thing. I think everyone can testify to at least one deed sort of similar to this in their past. It is, after all, human instinct to be driven by self. We all have done it, are doing it, and will do it in the future. It is why we need a Savior...not only to ensure where we spend our eternity, but also how we live day to day in the now time.

I know that for me, it is only because of Jesus in my life today that I can even attempt to make a more wise decision in my days than what wants to rise up from inside me. As they say, "But for the grace of God, there go I."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.

What's In Your Wallet...

"Mom! You will never guess what happened! Guess! Can I just tell you because you will never guess!"

That was the greeting I received a couple of nights ago upon returning from a meeting. My "Rosie-girl" had gone with some friends after church to a younger sibling's birthday party. Something very out of the norm for a birthday party must have happened to get her that excited because she isn't one to get all worked up easily. So I set my things down, held her hands, and enjoyed the story weaving ride that spilled out before me.

While at the party, the grandpa of the celebrated youth came over to my girl and introduced himself. He then asked her an odd question. "What is the most trendy and popular shoe that teens are wearing these days and how much do they cost?"

She stuttered around a bit and stated that her figuring led her to believe that Converse were the most popular but as to the price, she was at a loss.

Mr. Grandpa then said this to her. "God and I have just been talking over there on the other side of the room and He wants me to give you this $60 that I have in my pocket. It is yours to do with however you please."

"Rosie-girl" was awe struck, as was I upon listening to the events, and she stuttered about with it not being necessary.....and how does one accept an unsolicited gift with ease?
He assured her that it was a gift with no strings attached and it would please him greatly for her to receive the blessing.

Then my girl, with tears in her eyes, became bold. She said that the youth group was getting ready to attend a city wide conference at the end of the month and that one of the new girls wanted desperately to go but couldn't afford it. She then asked if it was okay with him if she donated the money, which was the exact amount that the girl needed, to be able to attend. "Rosie-girl" said that she had been praying with this friend for the last week that something would happen.

Again, Mr. Grandpa stated that it was her money to do with as she pleased. "But", he said, "If you are going to donate the whole thing, I want to give you another $20 so that your pocket is not empty at the end of the day."
They hugged and cried and enjoyed the rest of the party, each treasuring their special moment.


I have been thinking about this story so much ever since she told me and each time I dwell on it, I come away with new revelations.

• first, my heart swells with pride and humbleness that she would instantly choose to give the money away. I must admit (a bit sheepishly) that my initial thought about the money was to be able to pay for her own admission to the event. Blessing someone else didn't even occur to me.
• I am so grateful that she is excited in wanting to step out in her security, her beliefs, and her desires. Being 14 can be tough and she had quietly struggled over the past year thru the ideas of her future and purpose.
• I see scriptures being proven again and again in her 21st century story. Each scripture ringing in my head that when we simply step out in obedience, God builds our faith with blessings that abound. He is excited and waiting to bless overflowing. We just have to have the courage to do the stepping.

But that is not the end, because the story is still having a ripple effect on all of us.

I received a call from the hostess of the party, the daughter of this Mr. Grandpa. She wanted to let me know how much they enjoyed having my girl over and what a blessing she was. Mrs. Hostess said that she had just gotten a call from a friend who was in attendance at the party and couldn't get my daughter out of her mind...even days later. At this point, Mrs. Hostess told me that her friend is very much against things of religiosity and doesn't like to even talk about God. However, her friend made it a point of saying, "There is something different about that girl. It is like I can see the love of God in her eyes, face, and heart. She is the real thing."

As a mom, hearing that brought me to serious tears. As parents we all do the best that we can with what we have and we all have our biased views on our children. It just comes with the territory. But to have an outsider spend two hours with my youngest and be so touched.....even now tears are spilling onto my fingers as I type.

"Rosie-girl" keeps coming to me with smiles and giddy revelations that 'something cool' happened to her. I hugged her long and hard today and told her, "See you may feel like you are only 14 and so small compared to this huge world. But even now, everything you do and say can impact people and affect change. You are important and you definitely matter."

Heart Matters...

No matter what you sit down to watch, whether in your home for a 30 minute segment or in a theatre for a 2.5 hour event, Hollywood is great. It is great because you can escape reality for a bit. You may be drawn to drama, comedy, or action....it is all the same in the sense that you get to live outside of yourself for a bit. In that time frame; problems are presented, played out, and wrapped up in a neat little bow of a conclusion for you...the viewer. And you can feel satisfaction, even if it was a dumb movie, that things have been solved.
But the reality is .....it is not really reality.
Life doesn't really work out the way things get portrayed on the screen. In real life, the bad guy doesn't suddenly turn to a life of repentance after get cold cocked by people who won't stand for his dramas anymore.
That is what was running thru my mind last night as I was getting ready for bed from a day of Easter celebrations and being with my family.

My family....
Some of us are a tight knit group. We support, encourage, and cheer one another on in all things. Others spiral away from that closeness and seem to do everything in their ability to sabotage that beauty.
Yesterday was a classic example of such an occasion.
I spent a good part of last night putting out fires, soothing emotional hurts and injustifications. The "what happened" details don't matter. I am sure you could insert your own family experiences here because I think we all have those kinds of people in our lives.

The heart details that keep weighing on me though is a different matter entirely.
When people lash out to swipe and hurt others, no matter how unjustified, if I retaliate with indignant anger then it solves nothing. Sure, there is a moment of satisfaction as the jerk gets his "just due". But remember the cliche 'Two wrongs don't make a right'? There is great wisdom in that phrase. The aftershocks of a verbal or even a physical fight would have affected all 28 people present. The lasting scars that people would wear would be worse then the original problem. The original offender, would not have backed down and said "oh you are right. I am sorry I have been so mean." Instead he would have been justified in his own mind at being venomous and festered even more in the future.

"How can you not want to hit him? How do you turn the other cheek over and over again?"
Believe me, it can be so hard. I don't always want to and I have definitely been known to throw out my fair share of silver-tongued poison-filled statements. But when I get to that point, like last night, that soft voice in my heart says, "He wasn't always this way. Yes he is spiteful, ugly, hurtful, and arrogant at the expense of everyone else....but he has grown into that. He is filled with arrogant pride because he has no pride. Don't fight the obvious bravado in front of you but look for the roots in heart that started it all."

I am reminded that when I pray, I must not only pray for him, but I must pray for myself as well. I must pray that I remember to look beyond the obvious. Otherwise it would be all too easy for my heart to turn to vengeance and spite. If that became the case, then my heart would be no different than his. At the end of the day, I must be able to look in the mirror and know that I have tried my best. I am responsible for my actions and choices, no matter what is thrown my way.

I don't write and share these things to say "aren't I great?"
Please know that is as far from the truth as the east is from the west. I am not all knowing or perfect. No one is. I certainly mess up...a lot.
My purpose is only to:
#1 sort thru my own feelings as I commit them to writing.
#2 Maybe someone reading this might be struggling with the same sort of issue and in some way be helped by my experience.

Mirror, Mirror....

We were ready for the day trip. My part of the caravan was loaded, loaded with people and loaded with supplies. I was excited and ready for yet another adventure. I was excited that is until he got into my car and sat right behind me.

He...we all have known this type of person at least once in our lives. He is the kind of individual that has something to say about everyone and everything in the world. His purchases are better than yours, his car is better than yours, his friends, his music, his job, his experiences, his sicknesses, his....well you get the picture. To hear him tell it, he has the Midas Touch and we could only drool and hope to one day achieve a fourth of his greatness.

And so the car trip was off....for a two hour drive. As the miles clicked away, I found my patience waxing thing. I thought about pulling the caravan over and doing a switch but then decided that it would be painfully rude of me. I contemplated playing "The Quiet Game" but then remembered that sort of psychology only works with the little tikes. I even thought about the roll of duct tape in my emergency kit. Didn't the sanity of myself and my other passengers in the vehicle constitute an emergency?

Miraculously we survived the drive and I casually hopped over to a fellow driver to bargain for a quiet trade on the return trip. 'I did my fair share', I reasoned to myself. 'Let him be someone else's problem for a while.'

The day was well spent and soon the time came to load up and head for home base.

(Remember that bargain I had made earlier? It didn't happen. My patient Creator had other plans for me.)

He, Mr. Hot Air, not only got into my car but he sat in the front passenger seat next to me.

In my head I protested and thought, 'You have got to be kidding me! No way!'

Then I felt Jesus tap me on the shoulder and say, 'When I said love your neighbor as yourself, I never said only certain neighbors. Nor did I say only when you felt like the situation granted it. I meant everyone. You are still here on earth and that means that I still have things for you to do...and to learn...so buckle up Sweetheart.'

A heavy sigh left my lips.

Over the first few miles, I stewed, I argued in my head and envisioned mental temper tantrums on my behalf. God was so patient with me though and I eventually began to calm down. When I did, an interesting thing happened.

I saw that he was wanting to be in the middle of everything not because he believed his supposed perfection but because he was hiding from insecurities and riddled with self doubt. Here was a young man who I could only guess had seen way too much for his heart to handle in his short life. Though his constant monologues belied the fact, he didn't like himself in either physical feature or in character. His bravado was a cover up, a desperate attempt at fulfilling the craving acceptance that beat in his heart.

Once I saw that pain in his eyes, my compassion swelled for him. Where only a few minutes prior I had wished for a passenger seat ejector button, now I wanted to erect a shield around him and protect him from his pains.

I thought about the fact that not only have we all encountered people like him in our life journeys, but we are people like him. We have all had times where we felt that we didn't belong. I questioned in myself....'How many insecurities do I carry around, hide behind, or hide from? How many before him have I been impatient with, fueling hurtful fires instead of quenching them?'

Thank you Jesus for being so patient and loving with me time and again as I grope for Your ways.

These days when he is around and I feel my self indignation rise up and my patience deflating, I am trying to remember to look past his mask and into his heart.

It is much better for all of us that way.

What I Shared....

Standing up and sharing with the youth about some of my high school experiences ended up being an impacting time for me....and I think for them as well. I won't go into the whole evening here for the sake of......well I spoke for 45 minutes so I guess respecting your blog reading time would be the factor. Instead I will share with you a smaller section now and maybe another tomorrow.

~~~
This is the way I remember it........
When I was 13, my parents separated and then later divorced. I remember getting up to get ready for school one morning and my parents had my little brother and I sit down on the couch for a family talk. They said that Dad was moving out but that we didn't need to worry. He would still be around and we would be able to spend lots of time with him. Above all we were told to keep in mind that what was happening was not our fault and we were greatly loved.
Then they asked if we had any questions or had anything we wanted to say.
We didn't. My parents had always done a great job of protecting us from their frustrations and heart breaks, but we knew anyway. We just wanted them to be happy. And frankly, between Dad having to devote much of his time to work and the fact that he wasn't an emotionally expressive man....living at home with just mom didn't appear to look much different.

When school got out for the summer, my mom, brother, and I moved across the country to Oregon to live with and to care for my Nana. I started high school that year. (Ah, that time when all tweens and teens really struggle with their identity. Does anyone NOT look back and shudder at that time of their lives?)

Up until that point I had been an awkward freckle-faced red-head with glasses. Wearing thick glasses and dealing with a bit of childhood asthma left me with a huge sense of 'no coordination'. There was not a single sport that I could even pretend to do. Those kinds of circumstances just beg for name calling in the elementary school world. Most frequently, I was named Pippi Longstocking by my peers. Of course, the name was solely because of my red hair and not because of the strength and individuality that Pippi was known for.
Today I laugh and think it is so not a big deal, but as a budding adolesent, it was awful! So, I looked at the move as a new lease on life. No longer was I going to be around anyone that knew me as being backwards or dorky or un-cool.

I decided to do what society told me to do…..look like everyone else. I got my hair styled, I took full advantage of my Nana wanting to shower me with love by buying all new clothes, I learned how to wear makeup. and then I casually “lost” my glasses. I was so blind that I couldn’t see what I looked like without them, but I just knew that not having glasses was an important factor to really being liked and popular in high school.

I tried everything, and I really do mean everything, that I thought would make me popular and give me a new life. I soon learned though that a strategy like that will backfire in your face. I earned a reputation and that reputation grew bigger than me. Not only was I labeled for things that I had done but I was labeled for things that I had not done. You know, that is how things go. One person says something about someone else and pretty soon the talk of the town is larger than truth.

Halfway thru my 9th grade year, I figured I just didn’t even need to bother anymore. I had no goals, things weren’t working out the way I had wanted them to, I was always grounded, and I had a 1.57 accumulative GPA. I decided it would be easier to just stop living. I had thoughts like, “if I die then all the people who didn’t bother to care might care. Maybe if I could look down in the sky and see all the people at my funeral, that would bring me satisfaction."

I know, you are shocked at my thought process. There is no logic in it and revolves totally around my selfish moments...but that is where I was at. I was bored with myself and couldn't see past the end of my own nose.

So, one night before bed, I decided to swallow a whole bottle of Tylenol. Maybe you laugh at that, but I thought I was doing a brave thing. I awoke during the night to my mom and step-dad wanting to talk with me. She had found a letter that I had written to a friend and left on the bathroom counter. I had written it to be a suicide note, but I had worded it so vague that it sounded like I was just going away. Of course, my mom wanted to know where in the world I was going and talked to me thru half the night about getting my life straight. Didn't I know how much I was loved?

I sat there on the floor, respectfully listening….because that is what I was taught to do. But inside I thought, why am I not dead? I had no stomach pains, no dizziness, nothing that I thought I should be doing after taking a bottle of pills. I thought, good grief! I am so pathetic! I can’t even do that right!

Little did I know how greatly God was watching over me, before I even paid Him any attention. Let’s jump forward for a minute to 13 years later and I'll explain why I say that........

I was sitting at home and talking on the phone trying to encourage a friend whose grand daughter was in ICU for taking too much Tylenol. I thought it was really an odd thing to be in ICU for. I mean, I should know right? So I asked her respectfully what the problem was. My friend said that though Tylenol can be a great thing for helping headaches and pains, if taken in too big of a dose, it makes the internal organs weep of blood. There are no holes for a doctors to plug. The person simply bleeds internally and the doctors can do nothing about it. They stand by helplessly watching and monitoring, hoping that the body can filter out the abundance of poison before it gives up.

So here I am trying to console my friend and pray with her because her grand daughter matters, while on the inside I am freaking out thinking, “I shouldn't be here right now! I could have never had my family, never been a mommy, never moved on and experienced all of the wonderful things that I have experienced! God I know you have always cared for me but I had no idea how you protected me when I didn’t even give you the time of day!”

~~~

At this point in my sharing, I branched off into some different things that flowed with the moment. But for your sake, I am sure you would like a bit more closure to this part of the story......

~~~

So back to me sitting there on the floor, absorbed in self and failure while listening to my mom. I sat there for so long that my legs had completely fallen asleep. I didn't say a word to my mom about the things going on in my head or what I had just done. Instead, I angelicly convinced her that I had indeed heard her words and needed to go to bed so I could be a good student at school the next day. She then gave up and consented for our talk to be finished.


As I was standing up, my sleeping legs failed me and I started to buckle to the floor. Instantly my mom and step-dad were at my side to catch me. Mom looked into my eyes, with tears falling down her face she said, "See, we are here for you. We always will be. You never have to feel like you are doing things alone."

Something clicked in my head and thought process after that. I couldn't tell you if it was that pivitol moment or a build up of a series of things. But, I slowly started thinking over time that if I couldn't do bad things well then I might as well try to do good things well.

I didn't get it all right emediately. Really, no one ever gets it ALL right ever. But here I am today so grateful that God had other plans for a selfish little girl.

Oh and that pathetic GPA my freshman year.....
I graduated high school with a scholarship for "Most Improved Student" with a 3.57 accumulative GPA.

The Phone Call...

I just got off the phone with my father and I find my heart in a circle of emotion. I normally would wait and balance my thoughts before attempting to share. I never want to bash or say/write anything out of whim thinking. I never want to be hurtful and regret it later. But I find that today....maybe writing will help me stop the spinning.

Without having to re-hash everything, this post link can explain our past pretty well if you are curious and feel confused.

Since my step-mom passed away a couple of months ago, I have been trying with renewed vigor to communicate with my father. I want to let him know that he is not alone and he still has so many blessings in his life. When I was with him for the funeral, I noticed that there were no pictures of us anywhere. So, a few weeks ago I sent him a package of our new family pictures framed and ready for him to display. I chose frames that could be either used in easel fashion or be put on the wall, frames that would compliment his decor (not that decor would cross his mind). I figured that by doing this, it would make things easy for him with no "to do list"...gotta get to the store and buy frames to hang those pictures, gotta find the nails so they can go on the wall.
Then I called to let him know that a special package was on the way so that he could be looking forward to it. He seemed excited.

He has now had the box for three weeks, but couldn't take the time to call and say a word about it. When I asked about the pictures today, he said he loves them and has been enjoying them.
He has had them for three weeks......

I wanted to yell through the phone, "Dammit Daddy, the phone works both ways! How can you have tears in your voice as you call me your angel and say love me as we hang up from my phone calls....but you can't even pick up the phone on your end for a quick hey I got it bye?! Why do I always have to be the strong one and push this relationship forward? Why do I have to be the grownup? Why do I always have to be forgiving and have the grace? Be my parent for a change!"

Why isn't there an ounce of comment with, "Hey the girls have really grown since I was able to see them 4 years ago. Wow they are beautiful. Gosh they remind me of when you were a little girl. I wish we lived closer so I could know them more."

No, I didn't say anything of the sort. It would be counter productive and push him away more I fear. Anger rarely serves a positive outcome. Instead I commented on how glad I was that he had gotten the box and was enjoying the pictures. Then I changed the subject and brought it around to things I knew he could discuss.

The communication between my father and I has always been rocky. I know he loves me and just doesn't know how to say so. I know that he would like to have daily conversations with me but can't find the energy to pick up the phone and do so. I know he fights with regrets at not being there for me and doesn't know how to move on from that...to let go and move forward. As he wrestles with his insecurities, I daily have to let go of the thoughts that say I am not good enough for his time. I know it is a lie and I push it away and move forward.

Why do I have to be the one that is the grown up, the one who guides and bears with grace when it would be easier to put myself in a protective wall?
Because I am the one who sees the truth. I see his pain thru the veil of my own. If I wait and stomp my foot saying that I will not budge until he makes the first move forward....that serves no purpose but self-indulgence.
Because I see the circle of what is going on, it is my job to be patient and wait it out.
Wait for how long? I guess that doesn't really matter. He may never completely come around from his mountain of perception and I am not responsible for that.
I am however responsible for my own actions...for doing what I know to be right to the best of my abilities.

Thank you God once again for your guidance and patience with me. I am better now.

A Right of Passage...

While I was at the beach with "Pippin", "Rosie" stayed at home with Dad. She figured that since the older girls would be in whale training for two days, there wouldn't be anyone to really hang out with. It just isn't the same to window shop and hike with Mom you know. She was excited to be the woman of the house for the weekend. She had plans of doing some baking, watching a few movies, sleeping in, and practicing her drums like crazy.

Last night "Rosie" finally opened up a bit and shared with me about how her weekend went with me being gone. As much as we like to think we are in control, things happen big and small that don't fall into our itinerary the way we would like it to be on a daily basis. Though she did get to accomplish all the items on her list of expectations, one thing happened that threw her for a loop. Dad got hurt.

It wasn't a huge giant sort of hurt that could cause life to teeter on the fence post....but it was a hurt, an unplanned detour, all the same. There has always been at least 3 other older people pulling rank in our home that "Rosie" could default to when a situation needs to be handled. With "Pippin" and I gone and Dad the one needing attention, it was up to "Rosie" to make decisions. Dad didn't need stitches or a cast, but he did need to spend a few hours in the emergency room making sure that all was okay. The final outcome was an impressive pressure bandage and strict orders for 48 hours.

Despite the fact that "Rosie" is not one for the sight of blood, she did all that she could to take care of her papa. She cleaned and bandaged, cooked and appeared whenever needed. She did her best to step up to the plate and be the mature 14 year old that she has always been encouraged to be.

Last night as "Rosie" shared, she hugged me tight and shed a few small precious tears as she relayed the emotions of the weekend. She confessed that though her dad had encouraged her several times during that eventful day to eat, she kept forgetting. Instead her mind was filled with making sure she was doing all she could think of in her 14 year old mind that she had seen her mom do during trying times of the past. That night, after she knew all was well and Dad was sleeping peacefully, she let her emotions and purpose begin to unwind and she felt nauseous. She remembered walking to the restroom...and then she found herself on the floor, waking up with a small bump on her head. She blushed and told me again that she was sure it was only for a few seconds and she was sure it was a combination of the events and not eating.

As a mom, my heart raced while she talked. There was my girl hugging me, with a bump on her head and emotional memories in her mind. And me, I wasn't able to do the parent instinct and protect her.
Sometimes though, it is when we can't protect our children that they grow the most.
I can be right next to her 24 hours a day and not shield her from everything. Shielding is not my job. God is in charge of the events that happen. My job is to listen, encourage, shape, and of course love.

What did "Rosie" learn from the events?
Well, nutrition is not to be ignored for sure. She decided that she can't take care of others if she ignores her own needs.
Most importantly, she learned a vital character trait that cannot be taught from a lecture or a book. She learned that a person can always push themselves a bit more than they ever figure on pushing and handle more than they ever expect themselves to handle.
She experienced the growing and stretching into another level of maturity that she can own forever more.
It is a right of passage.

I'm Back....

I had set out at the beginning of the weekend a bit nervous about the trip, but I ended up having such a wonderful time.

We met up with our friends in Astoria early Saturday morning and I got everyone to the whale training seminar. Then I was ready for a day of adventure all to myself. The weather was foggy and cool. After not sleeping well the night before and then getting up early for the drive, I really felt a strong temptation to pull over for a bit of a nap. I did just that very thing too. It was a tiny nap, but even that was a strange new adventure for me.

After being re-charged, my exploring began. My first stop was Fort Stevens. I had read about an old ship that had wrecked there back in 1906. It was such a find. I could have stayed there all day. It was a strange mixture of emotions to stand there in the cold waters while viewing the rusted ship remains and listen to the pounding of the waves.

My next adventure was to explore a bit of Astoria. I took in the panoramic view of the Astoria Column and then walked around the historic part of town reading bits of history. It was inspiring to learn about the pioneers that forged this western land.

Once I had some lunch in me, I felt charged up for some super hiking. I treked around both the North Head Lighthouse and the Lighthouse of Cape Disappointment. I got super muddy but it was well worth it. The views were breath taking as the ocean wind and waves whispered to me.

Sunday was a day for staying in town. With my daughter and friends still in the seminar, it was more time for me to explore the concept of "me time". I walked on the beach, did a small bit of window shopping, and crafted some new card designs. I think the biggest thing for me though was the challenge to sit in a resaurant and order by myself. Sure, I have run into Subway or Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. But I have never gone into a "sit down and order with a waitress" kind of place....alone. You know what? I lived. No one pointed at me. Nothing bad happened. I simply enjoyed my meal.

In the evening, our friends built us a campfire on
the beach so that we could roast hotdogs and marshmallows. While sitting there, we saw the most amazing thing as the sun was starting to set. It is called a fire rainbow. I had seen a couple of emails come across my desk with info about this sight, but I must admit that I thought it was some sort of photoshop hoax thing. Boy was I wrong. As if I didn't know the truth before of how amazing and creative God is, this proves it yet again.

This is the best picture my camera could come up with and it does it no justice at all. I know it is hard to see but if you look to the right of the sun and almost to the sand dune, you will find a blur of color. It is actually a rainbow in the clouds. It looks as if a giant hand smeared paint across the clouds in a blaze of color.

Today I got in one more long walk on the beach. I went farther than I ever have before. I didn't let myself stop because of any kind of "I should go do....." thought. Instead, I gave myself permission to walk as long as I wanted, not worry about making eye contact with anyone, and tune out the busy world.
I crossed a small inlet and I got my feet wet.
I got my shoes wet....and nothing bad happened.
Nothing happend except the freedom in being able to do it.

I know, it is worth laughing at. You can say, "Wow Jules, you really stretched yourself there you wild woman. You mean, you actually got your feet wet?!" To me, it meant alot and that is all that matters.

It was hard to leave, but we had to get back to reality. Real lives don't revolve around being able to do whatever you want whenever you want on a continual basis. I am home. I love my family. I have a head full memories to think on for a good while to come.

I am not a photographer by any means, but this link might help you better see a few of my adventures. pictures

(personal note: David at Authorblog gave me a 'blog of the day honorable mention' for this post. It is indeed an honor.)

Cannon Beach Again...

"Pippin" and I are getting ready to leave for a weekend at our favorite beach. It is going to be a new experience for both of us.

For Pip, she will be at a training seminar for whale watching. Doesn't that raise the eyebrow in question? Basically, she will be trained to observe the resident pods around here and collect data for research and the general public. She is really excited about it. She and a cohort...oops I mean friend, are doing it together.

For me, I will be alone and that experience bears a bit of explanation. Sure, I have had a couple of hours to do the grocery shopping, watch movies in the bedroom when I am sick, or even walk around a store alone....knowing my husband or children will come walking around the corner at any moment. I've just never been alone.
I moved out of my parents home after high school and got married to my husband. He had three children already and I became an instat mommy.
I have never been out of town alone. Going away has always been for the purpose of family vacations or research for childrens ministry. Both options have kept people constantly around me.
Now don't get me wrong here. I am not complaining or looking for the little violin to play "My Heart Bleeds For You".
I am just finding that as I get ready for this small trip, I have different emotions running through my head and heart.
On the one hand, I am excited for the adventure. I can do what I want when I want. I can explore, walk, hike, craft, and watch the sunset with no questions of "what do you want to do for dinner?" or "what do you feel like now?"
On the other hand, honestly, I feel a bit of.....I don't know....maybe fear. The idea is that I am responsible for myself this weekend. My happiness and activities hinge around me only. Will I be brave and explore or will I chicken out and hide in my room?

Eternity...

I had the pleasant surprise a couple of days ago of finding out that our oldest son was on his way into town for a few days. Oh bless him, my hubby knew but forgot to tell me. That is okay. It is always nice to have the strapping 24 year old around to liven things up.

As my brain has been kicked into overdrive wanting to do all of those motherly things that just can’t be stopped…..is the bathroom clean enough?….do I have all of his favorite foods in the house?…..how many “special talks” can we fit in while he is here?….and then some, other things have been swirling around in my thoughts as well. One of those thoughts being the tragic news of Heath Ledger dying recently.

Why am I thinking about it so much? I never knew the man. I am only familiar with a few of his movies. I didn’t think that all of them were incredible works of scripting art but I did enjoy what I saw. Patriot is still on my list of must sees. Though I find the high school drama of 10 Things I Hate About You boring and annoying, I am always a silly sap for a male character that pursues the emotionally hurting female to make her world a happy place, thus finding true love and problems of life all wrapped up in a mere hour and forty-five minutes. I found Four Feathers and A Night’s Tale both to be fantastic for inspiring character in rising up above self and society expectations. (See, there I go again with my impersonation of Siskel and Ebert) I have seen only one interview with Mr. Ledger and from it, formed the impression that he was a sad man trying to fill his emptiness with accomplishments. That is very different of course from the diverse hero roles that he portrayed.

The notice of his death was a quick small clip for a couple of hours on my internet home page. Then it was gone. Since then, I have seen nothing else. I know a few people on the radio stations are talking about it and I have seen a few more people blog about it, but the subject has been pretty quiet in comparison to my expectations of what happens to “Hollywood tragedy”.

Why am I thinking on it so much? Maybe it is the lack of news that has my heart tugging. It has gotten me thinking on the word Legacy. What does it mean? One of the definitions I found for legacy is: “anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.” Where is the long list of his legacy that everyone should be talking about? How was his life and what is he passing on to his young daughter? Was his life as empty as that interview looked? If so…why? Was he never shown a belief system beyond Hollywood?

Belief system….yes, I do mean religion….more importantly I mean relationship. I am not talking about the “go to Sundays services and then yell at the crazy drivers on the way home” kind of religion. I am talking about a relationship with God, a real relationship that defines a person beyond themselves and fills every empty hole in ways that we never could on our own. I am talking about a relationship with a living and breathing real God that hears when we talk, cry, and smile. A God that loves us in spite of whatever we have done and will do in the future.

Do I really believe all of that? Yes I do and with all of my heart. Why? For one, too much biblical history has been proven by archeologists to ignore. For another, I can’t just write off that voice of guidance in my head, heart, and soul that goes against worldly logic; that comfort that surrounds me and solves issues that could otherwise never be handled; a presence that guides and accepts me even with all of my ick. These things are all too strong and real to be written off as a vacant and weak need to believe in something.

The time that we have here on earth is so short. Sadly, Mr. Ledger proved that. We see it over and over again in tragedies young and old. Though the time that we do have here is all we can conceptually wrap our brains around, there is a far greater time that is even more difficult for us to understand and yet it deserves our attention and thought. That time is eternity. We can deny it, but it won’t deny us.

As I go about my daily things, my heart has been crying out and now I know why and what it is crying for. It is for lost decisions. Did Mr. Ledger ever address the issue of eternity before he took his last breath? Did he run in the other direction like so many do, saying that other things can fill that void? I think about others in my life that have been seeking comfort as well and died before giving in to the only true and real comfort that can be found. That is why my heart breaks.

Father God, I am certainly not perfect in any way. I stumble around and focus on self all too easily and take my eyes off of You. But God, I ask that you help me to see and take action with the people and times that need you. Why do we fight against you so much? Why is a free gift so hard to accept? I thank you God that you are always next to me and to anyone else who asks You to be. Every day afresh I am reminded of how amazing You are.

Heart Journey....

Wednesday
Our flights were uneventful. LAX was super crowded and unorganized. (The most horrid thing I heard on the intercom was a ticket counter agent saying, "If you are in need of wheelchair assistance please come up to the counter.") My brother and I used our time making each other laugh. We also talked a lot about ways we could help the family in San Antonio while dealing with our own emotions at the same time.
Dad was waiting for us as we walked to the baggage claim area. We walked right up to him before he realized we were there. He had been zoning. Understandable considering he had just lost his wife of 23 years to long term cancer. He hugged us and cried.
All the way to the house, he talked as he drove.....about the final days. It was as if he had to get it out, sort it all out...for our sake and for his. Dad had never been much of a talker around me so I just let him talk...for my sake and for his.


Thursday
Family in and out. Hugs and tears. We all agree that it is good to see each other but are so sad for the circumstances.
We all became siblings as teenagers, his two to her three, when our parents married in 1985. My brother actually lived with them for a while but I only visited in the summer. We care about each other and have a few memories together, but really lead completely separate lives. Maybe it is just me, but at times I feel so alienated.
All the same, I am determined to be strength for my father.
The viewing was long....I felt at first that 4 hours would be too long. But as I watched people thru the evening I saw that they all needed that time. They needed the time to find the acceptance for closure with a woman that touched so many lives.
Over and over I saw young people embrace my father and call him "Grandpa". And as I have seen for years, my step-siblings lean on my father for support and give him all credit for being the only male figure in their lives that shaped and changed their lives for the good.
I find myself swimming in 2 thoughts simultaneously. I mourn that our relationship and that of my children looks nothing like theirs, but at the same time I feel pride in seeing how amazing and compassionately he has affected so many people.


Friday
Today was the funeral. Again and again I am told how grateful people are that my brother and I are here for our father. They tell us how happy it makes him. I find myself bracing with even more determination to be a quiet strength for my father.....to stay by his side so that in some way I can will comfort and peace into him.
It didn't work out that way though, at least not the way I had envisioned. My step-brother came over and asked my father to sit with them, her children, in the front row. That was a direction that I hadn't prepared for....not being able to be by his side. Intellectually, logically, compassionately...I knew that he had every right and reason to be there with them. He belonged there as the father figure and husband. He needed to be with the people that had walked through the whole long cancer battle with him...the people that would still be in his day to day life to pick up the pieces after I am not around.
But the little girl in me recoiled from the heart slap. I felt the rejection all over again. I wanted to cry out that it wasn't fair to be robbed of that too.
As I sat there listening to the chaplain, God was reminding me of the other times that I have been able to share with my father. HE reminded me of the amazing father figure I have in my mother's husband. Most importantly, HE reminded me that HE, My God, is my forever father that always understands the condition of my heart and never gets stretched thin in His love.
I got up and shared a memory of my father's wife. There were things I couldn't say and things I should have said but couldn't think of while standing there in front of everyone. But I did share about a conversation we had a couple of years ago that God orchestrated to assure me of her eternal peace.
After the service, my father introduced me to several people. Each time, I heard the pride in his voice and saw the gleam in his eyes that showed the devotion that he can never find the words for.
Now that the funeral is finished, tomorrow people will start the long task of rebuilding their lives. My brother and I will be looking for ways to help in the remaining two days that we have here.


Saturday
We sat around for a leisurely breakfast while talking and reminiscing. It was time for people to start heading back into their daily lives today. There was unspoken hesitation all around in not wanting to leave the safety umbrella where hearts and emotions had stopped the reality of time. From here on out, reality would create new memories, memories that don't include her. At times, that is too painful to grasp.
My father has been using today to gather up memorabilia that he has had marked for me for years...things that he just never got around to giving to me. One item is a cookbook that was created by my precious grandmother and her 3 sisters. In the inside cover, these ladies had written personal dedications to me when I was but barely a year old (December 1971). It touched me so greatly and oh how I cried.
My brother and I found various things to do around the house today that we hope will bless our father.
We spent the later evening with him eating pie, watching a movie, and joking around. It was good to just sit, with no agenda, and be ourselves.

Sunday
Again family hung around for a majority of the day today. Maybe they were around because of my brother and I, maybe they were there for my father, or maybe both. It doesn't matter the reason. It is all part of moving on.
My step-sister's dog died today. She wanted him to be buried in my father's back yard with the other loved animals. My brother graciously took on the burial task so that our father would not have the burden.
A cousin took us out to dinner this evening. She too said how wonderful it was for us to be here for our father and how things can only get better from here.
Dealing with the death of a loved one always makes people evaluate and adjust their priorities.

Monday
We will be flying out shortly for home. I find that there are so many things that have been left unsaid, but now is not the time. It was so hard to say goodbye to my father.
When will I see him again?
Does he truly understand what it took for me to make this trip in my heart?
Or is it even important for him to understand?

What matters is that I did make the trip......and I am glad that I did.
From here on out, it is all brand new.