I have a confession to make and this is my first time sharing this......
The past few months have been quite a change for me. I knew that after 12 years of home schooling, I would need to take time to NOT commit to other things and simply let myself figure out who I am and what defines me. That alone has been a scary concept to trudge into.
Granted.......these past few months have been filled with activity. I have had things on the calendar like my dad visiting and forging a deeper relationship, prepping Pippin to travel across the world to Uganda and back, dealing with her subsequent sickness as well as the waves of my own earth stopping headaches, and many other things...............
But when I have had time to myself at home alone, I put up a "no expectations sign" in thinking that would help me. If I wanted to read then I would. If I felt like watching a 5 hour tv marathon of the latest show series then that is what I would do. I let the voicemail pick up phone calls and spent hours on the computer even if it was only to play free cell or look thru Craig's List. There was nothing life fulfilling in my activities. I just told myself that I deserved to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and eventually I would switch gears.
So, last weekend I was visiting with a friend. There were the usual "how are things updates" and "wow the kids are growing up so fast". Then she asked how I was doing with the time I had to myself. I responded with something that went sort of like this......I am not very productive and though I seem to be always doing things, I have nothing to show for it at the end of the day.
She asked me what kinds of things I have dreamed of doing but didn't have time to do because of raising a family.
Let's see......playing piano, learning the cello, becoming proficient in French, conquering kayaking, having a dog again. Then I rounded it all up with the fact that it will be a few more months, 10 to be exact, before our finances will be free enough for me to explore some of these ideas.
She suggested a popular language learning computer program that she had heard about. When she said that I responded with "Oh I have a french program at home". Then the statement started rolling around in my head like a pinball machine lighting things up. 'I HAVE a french program at home.' 'I have a french program at HOME.' Hmmm........I had been so stuck on the idea that I needed to take a class that I never thought of using that program.
The following day, I was at a leadership meeting and someone made a comment concerning the idea that as much as we are available for others to be transparent with, WE also need to be transparent with one another. Being a leader doesn't mean being unshakably strong and non-vulnerable. No matter what season we are in, we need to be honest with ourselves and with one another.
As people kept talking and tasks were covered, my mind wandered away with that tidbit of thought. It was so very true and something that I hadn't been practicing much of. So I said, 'Lord what season am I in?' It came so simply, as easy as breathing air and drinking water. "You are in a season of fear."
I didn't run from the thought but instead measured it. It was one of those times when truth simply and easily shows itself and all you can do is embrace it for what it is.
Fear? Yes I am afraid. I am afraid of something new. I am afraid of things that are different. I am afraid of failure...........afraid of failing.
The truth was out.
It is the stuff that everyone deals with at one time or another and I was finally labeling it for what it was. I had let is creep in and take hold of me. I had lost the balance between relaxing and pushing forward.
This past week I have chosen to re-define that balance and let go of fear. I made it a point to study French every day. I didn't allow myself to surf the net or turn on the tv until I had my lesson. The result......I feel better about myself. I feel good and satisfied with trying something instead of running from everything.
Next week I plan on starting piano again. Though I cannot afford lessons right now, I do have a beginner piano book that I can work through. After that, I need to start walking again. Just because I don't have a dog to walk with doesn't mean I can't take care of myself.
So this is me pushing forward and stepping out.
Can you relate to any of my thoughts? I hope my sharing can help you in some way.
*** Blogger friends: That is why I haven't been around and I am sorry. You have been so nice to try and check on me. Thank you for your grace and understanding. Can we just call it a fresh new start from here on out?