I laughed in my dream and said, "Boy change is everywhere and it just keeps coming and coming."
That is all I remember of my dream but it has got me to thinking. What am I thinking about?
That is a good question indeed. Aside from knowing it was a dream from God and knowing it holds wisdom as well as humor......I feel a bit too tired right now to figure it all out.
But still, I am thinking.
Today at church, more things happened that grabbed me and made the wheels in my brain pause and move at the same time. (How does that even make sense?)
It wasn't even part of the sermon today when our pastor made reference to Mark 10 when Jesus heals Bartimaeus from his blindness. Bartimaeus had called out to Him when Jesus posed the question, "What do you want me to do for you?" Pastor posed the thought....If Jesus were standing next to you (like He really is) and asked you that question, what kind of answer would you have?
When I put myself in those shoes the first thoughts that ran through my mind startled me ......
That is too scary a question. I could never have an answer for that.
I wouldn't dare be so bold as to ask for favor like that.
I don't deserve to have favor like that.
What if I squandered my favor away and disappointed Him?
I had to squash away those thoughts because I know they don't belong to Him.
The truth is that no thought is too scary to take to God.
The truth is that I am His daughter and I have His utmost favor and delight.
The truth is that just like my children deserve all my imperfect fail-able love, the loving favor God gives me is even more than that.
The truth is that I make mistakes every day but God would never turn off His love for me......or anyone else for that matter.
So what would I ask? What could I ask? What will I ask....because I can?
I am not done sharing yet.
Everything today seemed to have God's fingerprint on it and aimed right for the middle of my forehead.
It was also said today,
"If you are seeking answers, you will never find them.
Instead, cling to God and the answers will find you."
Interesting for a statement like that to stick out to me while I was still pondering what I would ask of Jesus. It was one of those moments that makes me sigh, gasp and hmmmm all at the same time. So I wanted to share it here with you.
THEN at the end of service, I was talking with a friend who was offering me some encouraging prayer for my emotionally tired self. She made reference in her prayer to the relationship that God and I have and that it is an open door going both ways. It was a kind and wonderful loving prayer. But that door reference made me realize that there are some things happening currently in my life that I purposefully have not taken to God. I know that they are things that He can handle, will handle and is currently handling them. But still I have not given them to Him due to my own fears of having to face the issues. I have been more like an image of sticking my fingers in my ears and shaking my head side to side as I chant, "this isn't happening" over and over in denial.
As soon as I realized what I have been doing, I then got flooded with the guilt of thinking that if I would have taken these issues to God sooner then they would not still be a mess. Well THAT is a deceptive lie. Here is what I know to be true....
Guilt comes from satan.
Conviction comes from God.
So I had to sift through all of that. Lots of crying and aligning my thoughts. It has been a long and tiring day.
After spending the afternoon and evening with my family, enjoying dinner and helping my mom sort through some of Nana's belongings.....I am sitting here trying to simply absorb the day, own the day, embrace the day.
God I thank You for Your guidance and never ending love. Thank You for Your gentle and ever present touch. Thank You for Your bouquet of red roses just because You celebrate our love. Thank You that You love me and never look back in regret, denial or disappointment. Thank You that You are the author of hope and joy.