But even with all of those things surrounding my thoughts, today didn't seem real. Thoughts kept going through my head questioning why I was doing things.
* "Why am I scrubbing the bathroom even though I did it two days ago? Oh yeah. My dad is coming in today."
* "Why do I keep looking at the clock like I have to be somewhere? Oh yeah. My dad is coming in today."
* "Why do I keep checking to make sure the bedroom is just so? Oh yeah. It is because my dad is coming in today."
It didn't hit me completely even as I drove around the airport 4 times trying to figure out the signage with all of the construction. It wasn't until I stood in the terminal and looked into each face that walked by that I realized fully....my dad is coming in today.
The minutes went by and I fought back the panic that said "What if I missed him? What if he walked by while I was looking at the arrival screen? What if....What if...What if.....?"
Then he was there with his signature walk and sporting a new 'handle bar' addition to his moustache. I hugged him and couldn't let go.
We visited with my brother over coffee at the local diner and then came home for left over spaghetti and conversation.
It has been a bit awkward. We are both nervous.
It was quiet tonight and everyone else was in bed but the two of us. Then of his own doing, he swung the conversation around to our relationship. He said, "I have so many regrets and there are so many things that I wish I could undo with not being there for you for so many years. I can't fix the past. All I can do is hope to make up for things now."
How many times I have played out a conversation like this in my head. How many responses I have written over the years in my mind. But now.......I couldn't speak. I couldn't say yes or no, you are right or I forgive you, the past is is past and we are moving forward........................
nothing.
I couldn't even move.
We hugged goodnight and again couldn't let go for a long time.
Will I even sleep tonight?
(I am humbly honored that David at Authorblog awarded this post as Post of the Day.)
Mending ..... and I'm sure God is smiling.
ReplyDeletePlease keep in mind, your dad may need to hear your words before he feels forgiven.
ME crying no not me. i'm so glad for you and your father now you can move on together plus your family.May God Bless You All.
ReplyDeleteOuf, I couldn't reach your comment box these last days, so i am happy to congratulate you today for your Dad's visit. It is so beautiful that you can mend and heal your past life and difficult relationship with him now, while he is still there, well alive and happy to be with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy his stay, have nice times ahead. Thinking of you, Dany.
Jules please take a look at this site from my dear friend in India. Pastor Paul sent it to me and other friends.it will shock please ask your church and friends to pray. http://churchontherockindia.blog.co.in/ thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the depths of your heart with us...praying for you and your Dad...that is so lovely that you have the opportunity to mend bridges while he is still alive.
ReplyDeleteI had a Dad who was with us all the time, and yet I was never close to him at all. And he died years ago. No chance to find out who he was or wanted to be. I was too wrapped up in myself I suppose.
Annie
Aww..Jules, such a sweet post :D Just happy that it went well for you and your dad..sometimes, all you need are just the hugs, it says everything :D have a great weekend Jule
ReplyDeletemoving forward...sometimes actions are louder than words, so there's probably a lot left unsaid that is conveyed in those lingering hugs...wishing you and your father a happy new beginning. Take lots of pictures, go for walks, share words...but just BE together. Have fun.
ReplyDeleteThe words may come in time, they come from the mind - right now it's your heart that is reaching out. Baby steps sweet lady, can mend the most gigantic of bridges.. the journey is begun, that is what is important. (Hugs)
ReplyDeleteIt's like reading your diary and wanting to hug you and tell you that of course it's all going to be okay. So, here's the hug...{you}
ReplyDeleteIt's all going to be fine!
Sandi
That was moving. It was a blessing for me to read it.
ReplyDeleteJules, when a person doesn't know what the recipient's love language is, you shower them with all five. The Five Love Languages are:
Physical touch--You greeted your dad with a super hug.
Quality Time--Stayed up late with him.
Acts of Service--You did extra work to make him comfortable and happy.
Gifts--Special food and coffee. Very nice!
and Words of Affirmation ...Make sure you tell him how you feel. It may be difficult to find the words. Just say a little prayer and then start saying something, trusting that God will help you express what you need.
Hugs to you Jules!
ReplyDeleteMy dad died at the age of 53 in 1981. So many times I wish I could see him again and have one more cup of coffee together. Nurture and cherish the time you have together and let the healing begin.
Jo
Hope your father have great visit there. Let this another time with him that will be cherished for a long time.
ReplyDeleteThis isa precious time. Make the most of it, Jules.
ReplyDeleteHang on to all these thoughts....if you are measured and think of the bigger picture, l'm sure there will be value for you both to hold on and gently build, brick by brick...
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you and your dad! :-)
ReplyDeleteI came here thanks to David's Authorblog.
I am an old lady. My father was killed in an accident when I was four years old. I do not have a single memory of him and yet I love him and miss him every single day of my life. I miss the father I imagine he would be, the understanding we would have, the memories we would have forged to comfort me when he was gone.
ReplyDeleteMy son once said to me, 'Mum,please don't ever die.' I told him that as long as we knew we loved each other, he would not be sad.
Tell your father, Jules, you will never regret it.
Came here via David McMahons' blog.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations for winning Post Of The Day.
Bear((( )))
This reminded me how much i miss my own father. Amazing how such great elation for one can bring a flood of tears to another. That's not at all a bad thing, just thought I'd share.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to know you're getting to spend time with him.