I got up this morning expecting to do my normal things.....take the girls to school, walk, clean a little. Today was my dad's arrival flight from San Antonio. I had been preparing for it all along. I had been telling people he was coming. I bought certain foods that I knew would make him smile and even signed up with a gourmet coffee by mail thing so that he could have the best while visiting.
But even with all of those things surrounding my thoughts, today didn't seem real. Thoughts kept going through my head questioning why I was doing things.
* "Why am I scrubbing the bathroom even though I did it two days ago? Oh yeah. My dad is coming in today."
* "Why do I keep looking at the clock like I have to be somewhere? Oh yeah. My dad is coming in today."
* "Why do I keep checking to make sure the bedroom is just so? Oh yeah. It is because my dad is coming in today."
It didn't hit me completely even as I drove around the airport 4 times trying to figure out the signage with all of the construction. It wasn't until I stood in the terminal and looked into each face that walked by that I realized fully....my dad is coming in today.
The minutes went by and I fought back the panic that said "What if I missed him? What if he walked by while I was looking at the arrival screen? What if....What if...What if.....?"
Then he was there with his signature walk and sporting a new 'handle bar' addition to his moustache. I hugged him and couldn't let go.
We visited with my brother over coffee at the local diner and then came home for left over spaghetti and conversation.
It has been a bit awkward. We are both nervous.
It was quiet tonight and everyone else was in bed but the two of us. Then of his own doing, he swung the conversation around to our relationship. He said, "I have so many regrets and there are so many things that I wish I could undo with not being there for you for so many years. I can't fix the past. All I can do is hope to make up for things now."
How many times I have played out a conversation like this in my head. How many responses I have written over the years in my mind. But now.......I couldn't speak. I couldn't say yes or no, you are right or I forgive you, the past is is past and we are moving forward........................
I couldn't even move.
We hugged goodnight and again couldn't let go for a long time.
Will I even sleep tonight?
(I am humbly honored that David at Authorblog awarded this post as Post of the Day.)