Saturday, June 5, 2010

Ground Zero...

From the moment I arrived here 2 weeks ago things have felt different from before and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I know I was tired when I arrived from all of the events we had just walked through back home and I worried about not being mentally focused here as I got back into a routine of medicine cocktails and puppy clean-ups while watching Hubby and girls to make sure things weren't overwhelming for them. I could also see that the people here are tired and trying to make the most out of every moment while hiding their grief.

We have all been working well together as a team in caring for Daddy. But even under the best of circumstances people still need time to care for themselves and their hearts. With the climax of packing up the things that Daddy had been insistent for my brother and I to take (and he is the one who has been adamant that we do it now), it has brought out feelings that the others haven't wanted to address and the collateral damage seems to be circling around me as the center impact zone.

I have had two individuals come to me insistent that I take whatever I desire because it is all just stuff. Well anything that is except this thing....and not this item.....and actually not this one either....and then they decided to take a box and pack out their own stuff too. The next day they came back with remorse and begged me not to make them pack up while my daddy is still here. Never mind the facts that

1) I am not the keeper of this home or Daddy's things.
2) I never told, asked, or even suggested that others pack out their wanted items.
3) I am only doing what Daddy has insisted and pushed for.

Then I found another loved one a couple of days later in a corner volleying between crying and anger while pleading with me not to put my Daddy's things in storage.

It's frustrating.
It hurts.
It's hard.
It's tiring.
It's not fair.
It's human.

Once I walked through each of those emotions, God reminded me of the truth. The truth is that I am not really their target. They are only using me as the focal point because I am tangible and accessible. My packing and being here is a significant reminder that things are going to change.

My mom reassured me to keep on doing what I know is right, true and just and God will take care of the rest. She was right. Things are already leveling out. Apologies have been made and hugs have been given.


The above was written late last night while I was laying in bed shaking off the day.
Today is a new and promising day.
As I drove to the vet this morning to pick up doggy medicines, their were wild sunflowers lined along the road and swaying all around with upturned faces to the sky. They were a tangible reminder for me that indeed each day is fresh and new. Each day I too can choose to look up.

I pray you have a wonderfully blessed and destiny filled day.

1 comment:

  1. My wife went through this process a few years ago. Somehow it seems to bring out the worst in some people.

    An Arkies Musings


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