Beloved.....

It is painful to be a blooming young adult. I so remember that time where I felt I could conquer and change Who am I going to be? What am I going to do? How do I believe? Also in that mix was a million other questions that knocked without a name. They were just hanging around and nudging with their presence. It is that place where logically you know this time period happens to everyone; and yet such a statement cannot possibly begin to justify a fraction of validity in what you feel.


I remember being in that place where I felt I could conquer the world and become anything .......as long as I stayed ahead of the questions in my mind.

That is where our youngest is right now. It has been a long time now that she has been swimming in this ocean and the waves keep coming. She is fine, there is no danger of undertows. She just can't see the shore yet. I feel for her. Sometimes she is transparent with me while other times she can't even label it for herself much less put it to audible word.

I hug her when she lets me. I laugh with her and spend time with her every chance we get because it is connection.
I pray for her.

Prayer.....
I have been purposing to spend time with my Papa; purposing to read and sit. Things are slowly expanding for me. The absence is less and I feel hope. During worship last Sunday I told God, "here I am. I don't even know what to say right now but I know I need You."

The next day I was at the office and had an interesting encounter. A gentleman came in the front door asking for directions to a certain address. He looked very normal, slacks and sweater, he was maybe 28-35 years old. He was polite and unassuming. I looked up his address on my laptop and then a co-worker explained the directions. During our talk he made mention that he was on his way to a job interview. So when he was walking out I smiled and said, "God bless you on your interview." As he pushed the front door open he looked back at me and said, "Thank you my beloved." and then was gone.

I remember thinking that is not an every day statement. I looked at my co-worker but she was already almost to her office door. I didn't even think to ask if she heard. I settled back to my tasks and forgot what was said.

Later as I was heading to my car, I stopped in the middle of the parking lot as I replayed the morning's events, "Thank you my beloved."  Then it hit me fully. A dawning excitement washed over me and I jumped into my car so I could talk to God .....without appearing crazy.

"Lord that is not a normal statement to make. You don't hear friends say that to one another much less complete strangers. Was that You? Was I unaware of entertaining an angel? Was that You giving me encouragement that I am never alone and You hear and know my every thought?"

Whatever it was, whomever it was; I felt lighter all the way home. I felt like a beloved.  

Is Anyone In There?......

I try to never write without having a positive purpose; a truth and point of inspiration in looking forward. But the truth right now is that I am numb.
All these things are going on and I feel like the emotion sensor of my heart has been taken out.

It is so cute to watch Pippin and Poet together. It blesses me that she calls and says, "Hey Mom are you and Dad free to go on a double date?" It thrills me that she sends me daily texts that say 'I love you Mommy'. But the blessing and the thrills are absent of heart tugging emotion.

Puddin' just finished her freshman year of college and is so pleased with herself. We are elated and so very proud of her. I smile and love my cherished youngest daughter to pieces. But my heart appears to be floating in a lost void of space.

A couple of days ago I took my mom to a lung specialist to address abnormalities that were found during her recent hospital stay. Tests showed that there are multiple nodules in both of her lungs. There appears to be nothing else showing up elsewhere in her body. The specialist gave his reasons and opinion and feels that the safest and smartest route to go is to wait three months and scan again for differences. My mom cried with relief and praised God for the doctor's confidence. I simply sat there.

I could have said something important, something valid. I could have breathed a sigh of relief and called everyone with the good news. Instead I felt more like I was checking errands off a task list.....cold hearted and empty. I would say I feel ashamed. But I don't even feel that.

It is all as if I am outside my body and going through the motions of the day. I can stand beside myself and scream into my ears......'How about now?! Can you feel it now?!' But my response is a flat line no response.

If I were listening to someone else with these worries on their plate; I would tell them the last few month have been trying and it is okay to be in shock. I would say that it is alright to not always have the answers and to not be so hard on themselves.
But not even those words feel right at this time.

I want to feel. I want to own each moment. I know what my head says I should be doing and offering up right now. I know what my heart should be partnering with. But all I can think right now is, 'When will my heart wake up?'.

Papa, all I can do is call your name........

The Wedding!

The Wedding Party

Bride & Groom First Look - so precious -
He cried with a flood of emotion.

Here and there I have thoughts that I tell myself I should put to writing and then things keep moving forward and I get side tracked. So, I now sit wanting to write insight-fully and document my time. But nothing seems to fit my self desired writing format. Instead, I find right now that the facts are the truth and they are the best........

Preparing for the wedding was a huge amazing honor. It was so fun to create everything for our daughter and tailor it to her desires. The official pictures will be back in a few weeks but these quick snaps are fun to see.

Every second of the wedding was a precious treasure and unique for their style. Instead of the typical Bridal Entrance; our daughter chose a guitar instrumental of Disney's "Some Day My Prince Will Come". The wedding kiss was indeed their first kiss as they said they would do all along.

The theme of the day was Foundations because God is the foundation of their individual lives as well as their new journey together. Instead of a guest book, people painted their names and encouragements on river stones to be kept in a vase for the bride and groom. Later as guests were leaving, they were given river stones with favorite scriptures of the happy couple.

Guests signed river stones

Watching everyone dance as I mingled about was so fun. My brother put together a blended array of worship along with the easy fun sounds of artists like Jack Johnson, Ray LaMontange, IZ, Nora Jones, Michael Buble, Nat King Cole, The Turtles, The Monkees, The Romantics and many more. I have a copy of all the music here at home and I am reliving many smiles as I listen to it all daily.

Our family and friends came together to offer so much help along the way as they united with our celebrating. I am very grateful for each person and each minute. From my brother and cousin who mastered the sound, my sister-in-law and cousin installing the decor and the many friends who spear headed clean up with an air of effortless precision....they and many more were all amazing. Then my dear friend who took point for me the whole day; oh my goodness I am so grateful. I have to laugh at myself for ever thinking I could be both "mother-of-the-bride" AND "master of the day".

Memento table with scripture river stones for guests to take home.

In everything along the way of preparation I could feel God's guiding hand in inspiration, direction and even that pesky detail of funding. All the way down to the final details and extras like being able to make jewelry and finding special heirloom handkerchiefs to give all of the family moms and grandmas.....His hand was everywhere.

The day of rehearsal found me with no other task but to enjoy and let my thoughts spin in my head. It struck me as an odd thought that I couldn't recall anyone ever being done with wedding prep tasks 3 days before the event. I thanked God for His guiding in getting it all done and didn't think much more about it. Our eldest daughter had driven in from Spokane early to help me with any last minute things. She and I had fun doing some window shopping for those little wedding details that no one would be any wiser had they not been there. Then we headed up to make jewelry and have lunch with my mom. It was a great afternoon to visit and channel energy into creativity as we shared stories of whatever happened to cross our minds. I am so grateful for that time. It all ended up being very surreal and something I kept tracking back to as the weekend progressed.

This is one of my favorite snaps.
I love their joy.

Later in the evening as I was pulling into the parking lot for rehearsal, I received a call from my dad concerning my mom. She was having chest pains that her nitro pills were being unsuccessful in abating. I have to admit my brain got pretty stuck at that point and .....well you can imagine. I distinctly remember thinking, "oh this is why You told me to enlist Wendy to take charge for the wedding and You kept encouraging me to let go and let her lead it all." As the rehearsal progressed, I prayed for my mom with this weird mixture of power and denial.

My Nana

God always shows me that He can handle more than I imagine and this was no exception. I wanted to be there for my mom. I have always been the one to break down the doctor jargon and be family liaison. But I knew it would break her heart to think I missed rehearsal because of her. So at rehearsal I stayed and kept reminding myself that God is a good task master and He is in charge.  I knew that I knew that I knew....I would see her later.

Remember that thought of ......who gets done with wedding prep tasks 3 days early? Now I see why. The day before the wedding was split multiple times between hospital tests, visiting out of town guests, talking with the doctor, lunch with family, hospital visit and explaining to family, dinner with guests. If I were to hear someone else relive that day; I would be in shock at it all. But I was fine for God did it all. Yes I was tired and emotional. Yes I sat on my bed and cried out to God at the huge volley of complete joy and complete despair sitting in my hands. But God helped me compartmentalize and hold each task at its appointed time.

4 generations

It reminded me greatly of being with Daddy and caring for him for that whole year. Times of intense trial bring on clarity. It is a conundrum of clarity that makes a person rely on God and peel away the extra things that do not matter. It becomes a very precious time that holds great value as heart pain is embraced.  

 The wedding day is a treasure to hold in my heart for so many reasons. Family near and far came to celebrate and honor Pippin & Poet - Rachell & Joshua. My mom was released from the hospital 3 hours before the ceremony and was able to attend! My Nana was able to attend. She is 87 years young and with her advancing dementia, I imagine the wedding my very well be the last event she is ever able to be part of.

 Now, it has been just over a week. The kids (will I ever stop calling them that?) are now back from Mexico and so cute together in their new married ways. I went to their apartment yesterday to watch them open presents and they were adorable.

My mom is doing well. There are a lot of doctors visits and tests ahead but it will all be handled in God's timing.

Gary and I also went away for a few days to recoup. It was good to be on the beach and focus on each other without other things pulling for our attention.

And one more thing to share.......
Our Puddin' girl is finishing up her first year of photography in college and is having so much fun. These days in a photography program one has to know everything from using old style film to manipulating layers of photos digitally. Below is one of her final projects. She had to use key things like vanishing point, blending modes and self portrait.

Oh my gosh we are so proud of her talent and creativity!

Papa God, I celebrate You. Thank You for always being here, being our guide, our wisdom, strength and sustaining force that is greater than anything else in the universe. Thank You for the celebration of unity. And thank You for your love.