All these things are going on and I feel like the emotion sensor of my heart has been taken out.
It is so cute to watch Pippin and Poet together. It blesses me that she calls and says, "Hey Mom are you and Dad free to go on a double date?" It thrills me that she sends me daily texts that say 'I love you Mommy'. But the blessing and the thrills are absent of heart tugging emotion.
Puddin' just finished her freshman year of college and is so pleased with herself. We are elated and so very proud of her. I smile and love my cherished youngest daughter to pieces. But my heart appears to be floating in a lost void of space.
A couple of days ago I took my mom to a lung specialist to address abnormalities that were found during her recent hospital stay. Tests showed that there are multiple nodules in both of her lungs. There appears to be nothing else showing up elsewhere in her body. The specialist gave his reasons and opinion and feels that the safest and smartest route to go is to wait three months and scan again for differences. My mom cried with relief and praised God for the doctor's confidence. I simply sat there.
I could have said something important, something valid. I could have breathed a sigh of relief and called everyone with the good news. Instead I felt more like I was checking errands off a task list.....cold hearted and empty. I would say I feel ashamed. But I don't even feel that.
It is all as if I am outside my body and going through the motions of the day. I can stand beside myself and scream into my ears......'How about now?! Can you feel it now?!' But my response is a flat line no response.
If I were listening to someone else with these worries on their plate; I would tell them the last few month have been trying and it is okay to be in shock. I would say that it is alright to not always have the answers and to not be so hard on themselves.
But not even those words feel right at this time.
I want to feel. I want to own each moment. I know what my head says I should be doing and offering up right now. I know what my heart should be partnering with. But all I can think right now is, 'When will my heart wake up?'.
Papa, all I can do is call your name........
Miss Jules, I am here to tell you how much you are loved. How much you are cared for.
ReplyDeleteI am here to tell you yes it is okay to be in shock, to be numb to not connect emotionally. Because I know if you emotionally connect then nothing would get done. Nothing would get done because if you emotionally connect you would be a puddle on the floor with your whole being consumed by the ocean of tears that you have held back from the last couple of years of stress that you have been through. And who is going to feed the dogs if you are a puddle on the floor.
Think about it, first there was your dad, now your mom and then there is Nana, there was the wedding, and the ministry you are involved in, this doesn't include the things I know nothing about.
Good grief girl, no wonder you are numb. You need a moment to breath. But I know you if you stop and breath there would be no one there to feed the dogs
People need you. Your mom needs you, Nana needs you, you girls need you, I need you. Garry really needs you and the dogs need you.And with that heart of gold that you have you never stop giving. You are always thinking of someone else first. No wonder you are overwhelmed.
It is okay to stop...................................................
It is okay to breath................................................
It is okay to take "me" time.....................................
I hear the Lord say come away with me, let me heal your worried heart. Let me minister to your weariness. Let my peace wash over you and let the blanket of my love cover all that concerns you. It is there in that place of rest where you can begin to let the numbness of your heart melt into the goodness of your Papa. It is there in that place of peace you will be restored and renewed.
Papa understands all of what you feel and His desire is to hold you in His arms so that those held back emotions can flow and flow and flow.
You just have to stop long enough to let him
Someone else can feed the dogs
your biggest fan
Kelly