I try to never write without having a positive purpose; a truth and point of inspiration in looking forward. But the truth right now is that I am numb.
All these things are going on and I feel like the emotion sensor of my heart has been taken out.
It is so cute to watch Pippin and Poet together. It blesses me that she calls and says, "Hey Mom are you and Dad free to go on a double date?" It thrills me that she sends me daily texts that say 'I love you Mommy'. But the blessing and the thrills are absent of heart tugging emotion.
Puddin' just finished her freshman year of college and is so pleased with herself. We are elated and so very proud of her. I smile and love my cherished youngest daughter to pieces. But my heart appears to be floating in a lost void of space.
A couple of days ago I took my mom to a lung specialist to address abnormalities that were found during her recent hospital stay. Tests showed that there are multiple nodules in both of her lungs. There appears to be nothing else showing up elsewhere in her body. The specialist gave his reasons and opinion and feels that the safest and smartest route to go is to wait three months and scan again for differences. My mom cried with relief and praised God for the doctor's confidence. I simply sat there.
I could have said something important, something valid. I could have breathed a sigh of relief and called everyone with the good news. Instead I felt more like I was checking errands off a task list.....cold hearted and empty. I would say I feel ashamed. But I don't even feel that.
It is all as if I am outside my body and going through the motions of the day. I can stand beside myself and scream into my ears......'How about now?! Can you feel it now?!' But my response is a flat line no response.
If I were listening to someone else with these worries on their plate; I would tell them the last few month have been trying and it is okay to be in shock. I would say that it is alright to not always have the answers and to not be so hard on themselves.
But not even those words feel right at this time.
I want to feel. I want to own each moment. I know what my head says I should be doing and offering up right now. I know what my heart should be partnering with. But all I can think right now is, 'When will my heart wake up?'.
Papa, all I can do is call your name........