As this summer has progressed, I have been earning a grand set of memories to carry around. At the same time though, the past couple of weeks has found me in an emotional funk. It is frustrating because it is a mismatch of silly feelings that drive me crazy. You know, all of those little things that pile up and like to play a continual game of tag in your mind.
Feelings....didn't Barbara Streisand sing a song about them?
If it were not for the ever present guidance and comfort from God, I would spiral into who knows what. Truly, He has the guidance and strength, comfort and wisdom to completely lift this off of me.....and yet I am here because I keep holding on to the junk. Why not simply let go and deal with the things that I can deal with? Why make things so difficult?
Feelings are so erratic and non dependable. On the one hand, it is the ruling guide to love and happiness. It is how we passionately find that knight in shining armor, swim in the peaceful love of a child's embrace, and smile at treasured moments. We can intuitively know whom to trust and which door to walk thru because of our gut emotional feelings. And yet on the other hand, our feelings are what get us into trouble with fits of jealousy, rage, selfishness, and doubt.
I know I must balance my feelings with wisdom and judgement. It is the only way that the scales work correctly.
Maybe if I voice my swirls here it will help to get rid of things. That is one reason why I started this blog....to dare to give voice to myself for myself.
I feel silly and ridiculous. After all that has happened here with the dogs, my heart started changing here when we had Trixie for a week. We are still in the same position....it is not financially the right time for a dog, yet I find myself looking thru the ads a few times a week hoping that someone will be giving up the dog that I want. I have names and everything picked out. I have things planned in my head that would make you laugh and label me as one of those wierd pet people. Meanwhile, I want to slap myself and say, "get over yourself girl. Now is not the time so stop pining over something that can't be".
I wish I could pick up the people that are dearest to me and hold them in a protective shield. I want to stomp my feet at the hurts and yell that it is not fair. And yet, I know that they have their things to learn and grow in and I must not rob them of that.
I really want a new camera. Again...slap slap get over yourself and stop being so centered. Now is not the time. It is like a song I hear on the radio station here. I have no idea who sings it but the beginning verse says, "Selfish heart when did you become the center of the universe?" I can totally own and relate to that song.
I have now found myself in a precarious position. This fall my girls will be venturing into regular high school instead of me home schooling them. It sounds though like I may still be home schooling someone else's daughter. I keep yo-yo-ing back and forth on this in my mind and I need to just sit and talk with her parents about it....when they come back from vacation. On the one hand, I gave my word 2 years ago that I would school her with my own girls thru high school. My word is important to me. My word is my honor, like a pulse, truth spoken, (wow is it character or a root of pride?) But on the other hand, we didn't know then that our girls would be going to regular high school. If I stick to my word and continue her education while her parents work simply because I made a vow...aren't I taking away their responsibility and robbing them of the 'next step opportunities'?
I know this is really silly, but I am realizing that I miss the rain. I know...dumb. I am loving the weather right now. We are having warm pleasant days with cool evenings. How much more perfect could the weather be? I know to be grateful and treasure each season. I know that we could live somewhere else and deal with floods, or tornadoes, or earthquakes. My husband served enough tours in Saudi Arabia and Puerto Rico that I know the stifling heat and lack of water our soldiers face. I know the season here will change soon enough and we will have rain every day. And yet I am realizing that I long to hear the sound of droplets drumming on the roof, smell the smell of dust washing away, and feel the splash run down my body.
It is okay, I am okay. This 'season' too will shift. It is a guarantee. I will get over myself and look to important things, real things, things that don't start with the word "I". Like I said, maybe putting it all to keyboard will help me let go.