As this summer has progressed, I have been earning a grand set of memories to carry around. At the same time though, the past couple of weeks has found me in an emotional funk. It is frustrating because it is a mismatch of silly feelings that drive me crazy. You know, all of those little things that pile up and like to play a continual game of tag in your mind.
Feelings....didn't Barbara Streisand sing a song about them?
If it were not for the ever present guidance and comfort from God, I would spiral into who knows what. Truly, He has the guidance and strength, comfort and wisdom to completely lift this off of me.....and yet I am here because I keep holding on to the junk. Why not simply let go and deal with the things that I can deal with? Why make things so difficult?
Feelings are so erratic and non dependable. On the one hand, it is the ruling guide to love and happiness. It is how we passionately find that knight in shining armor, swim in the peaceful love of a child's embrace, and smile at treasured moments. We can intuitively know whom to trust and which door to walk thru because of our gut emotional feelings. And yet on the other hand, our feelings are what get us into trouble with fits of jealousy, rage, selfishness, and doubt.
I know I must balance my feelings with wisdom and judgement. It is the only way that the scales work correctly.
Maybe if I voice my swirls here it will help to get rid of things. That is one reason why I started this blog....to dare to give voice to myself for myself.
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I feel silly and ridiculous. After all that has happened here with the dogs, my heart started changing here when we had Trixie for a week. We are still in the same position....it is not financially the right time for a dog, yet I find myself looking thru the ads a few times a week hoping that someone will be giving up the dog that I want. I have names and everything picked out. I have things planned in my head that would make you laugh and label me as one of those wierd pet people. Meanwhile, I want to slap myself and say, "get over yourself girl. Now is not the time so stop pining over something that can't be".
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I wish I could pick up the people that are dearest to me and hold them in a protective shield. I want to stomp my feet at the hurts and yell that it is not fair. And yet, I know that they have their things to learn and grow in and I must not rob them of that.
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I really want a new camera. Again...slap slap get over yourself and stop being so centered. Now is not the time. It is like a song I hear on the radio station here. I have no idea who sings it but the beginning verse says, "Selfish heart when did you become the center of the universe?" I can totally own and relate to that song.
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I have now found myself in a precarious position. This fall my girls will be venturing into regular high school instead of me home schooling them. It sounds though like I may still be home schooling someone else's daughter. I keep yo-yo-ing back and forth on this in my mind and I need to just sit and talk with her parents about it....when they come back from vacation. On the one hand, I gave my word 2 years ago that I would school her with my own girls thru high school. My word is important to me. My word is my honor, like a pulse, truth spoken, (wow is it character or a root of pride?) But on the other hand, we didn't know then that our girls would be going to regular high school. If I stick to my word and continue her education while her parents work simply because I made a vow...aren't I taking away their responsibility and robbing them of the 'next step opportunities'?
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I know this is really silly, but I am realizing that I miss the rain. I know...dumb. I am loving the weather right now. We are having warm pleasant days with cool evenings. How much more perfect could the weather be? I know to be grateful and treasure each season. I know that we could live somewhere else and deal with floods, or tornadoes, or earthquakes. My husband served enough tours in Saudi Arabia and Puerto Rico that I know the stifling heat and lack of water our soldiers face. I know the season here will change soon enough and we will have rain every day. And yet I am realizing that I long to hear the sound of droplets drumming on the roof, smell the smell of dust washing away, and feel the splash run down my body.
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It is okay, I am okay. This 'season' too will shift. It is a guarantee. I will get over myself and look to important things, real things, things that don't start with the word "I". Like I said, maybe putting it all to keyboard will help me let go.
I days are inevitable.
ReplyDeleteI weeks sometimes happen.
I months need serious intervention.
Letting go and letting God is hard -- especially when it comes to those things we punish ourselves with or for -- that oh woe is me feeling makes us the star of our own pity party and it feels so good -- especially when accompanied by chocolate chip cookies and ice cream.
As to keeping your word -- you gave it. You should honor it. HOWEVER, tell the people that circumstances have changed. Tell them why. Then give them the time to think about their next move, and what they are going to ask of you. Since you promised to teach their daughter with your daughters, and your daughters will not be present, it seems to me that they should have the grace to to make other plans and not tie you to your home for a child not your own -- unless they planned to compensate you for the time?
We all have I's and need sometimes to get them out, life isn't ever easy and plain sailing, so let them out, we are here to listen, just as you listen to our I's when we need to let things out, that is the joy of blogging - it's ok to let it out.
ReplyDeleteYou are in a very difficult situation with your friends child, and I think that you are going to have to have a sit down talk with them and see what you can work out as it is a really big ask for you to be educating their daughter when you are not teaching yours.
it's perfectly ok and even necessary to put 'I' in the forefront at times, and these things are just as important as any other.
ReplyDeletedo treat yourself to something nice, something you wish for.
and i would gladly send you some rain but things don't work that way, i'm afraid :)
He! Ho! Jules, everything is perfectly normal; je-moi, I- me is always present for everyone of us, sometimes a bit more, that's life, you have to think about yourself first in order to think about the others then.
ReplyDeleteplease stop worrying, and all will get in place.
For peace of mind I use to do meditation, it works well.
About your word you gave the other family, take it back, the environment has changed, so you just can't honor it anymore, and stop worrying about that, your life comes first, you deserve your freedom. (I know I sound very rude to most of you, I just give my opinion.)
You are all so wonderful and encouraging. Thank you for your advice. I will keep it all in minds as the days progress.
ReplyDelete