Tuesday, June 21, 2011

It's Not ....

This year I am 40 years old. It means lots of things.
It means I have a measure of wisdom from experience. It means I don't care as much anymore about looking like a cute little thing. It means I value my time differently as it seems to go fleetingly faster with each passing year and month.
It also means that I now have to have annual mammograms. (ha! You thought I was going down a different road right?)

Yes, last month I had my first mammogram. I learned that it is not the terrorizing and painful thing that the table talk makes it out to be. I learned that it is very discreet and not humiliating and aside from my own worries of not wearing deodorant for a period of time, it isn't a big deal.

The technician doing my pictures was so nice. She made an awkward thing easy. I even laughed when she showed me my pictures and I joked that she was a good photographer. She explained to me that with the doctors wanted to get good baseline images so the chances were high that I would get called back for more re-takes. The call to re-schedule did not alarm me.

I did the follow up appointment yesterday. I thought it was odd that the technician focused so much on my family history of cancer and asked me the same questions over and over again. This time the photo focus was a bit more pinpointed and the machine needed to be cranked down more. A little pinching but not a big deal.

The thing that threw me was when she told me to go in the next room for an ultrasound. No one had told me I needed that as well. I followed along and willed my mind to not listen to anything. It was just routine and they were being thorough. I pictured my doctor doing my exam and telling me there was nothing there.

But still, I know just enough hospital protocol to get myself in trouble. This was more than a fuzzy spot from breathing. I finally let myself ask the tech if the ultrasound was routine and she remarked that it was no big deal. She said there was no cause for alarm. The radiologist just wanted to examine the density mass more closely.

Density mass? No one told me anything about that!

I laid on the table alone with my thoughts while she left the room to go over data.
I tried hard to tell my thoughts to shut up and think of nothing. But still they wandered.
I thought about my cousin and aunt who both had breast cancer. I thought of my grandfather dying from a brain tumor and of course my dad and everything we went through so recently.

In those seconds that seem to go on for eternity, I thought about what my response would be.
What would I proclaim? What would I do? I would stay calm and trust.
Would I go radical? Does shape matter? I would get rid of everything.
Would I lose my hair? It would be cool to not have arm and leg hair.
I have always thought scarves were very stylish but I think I would want a hat like Loree's.
Of course Diane never lost her hair....so remember every one is different.
How would my daily schedule change? It doesn't HAVE to change.
What would my attitude be? I would look at each day fresh and new just like I always do.

Then she came back into the room and said, "The radiologist says it they are just a couple of cysts and we will see you next year. Sorry for any concern we may have caused."

I gotta admit I didn't know what to think or how to react. Up until 15 minutes prior I had no clue there was even an issue. How quickly things could have changed.....but they didn't. It was just a regular appointment all done and I could drive away to my next event.

 Papa God, thank You for health, for You being in charge...no mater what. Thank You for timing and that I didn't have days to dwell on possibilities. Thank You for keeping my head on straight.

Have a blessed and amazing week. Know above all else that you are loved with an everlasting love that is more powerful than anything in this world.


  1. Ooh! Scary thoughts. I went through that a couple of years ago - but had to wait over a week for my diagnostic exam and ultrasound and finally a biopsy. The thoughts that go through your head! Pretty much what you were thinking in those fifteen minutes. Although I was afraid of the outcome, it was so comforting to know that God was with me each step of the way. So happy that your experience turned out to the good!

  2. wow I want to go to your Dr. Being 56 I have had many mammograms and dear everyone hurt, some more than others. Some I left bruised. I am so glad you have nothing to worry about. I to have cysts...in fact I was told I have a family of them. Some large some small.

    It is awful though the not knowing. So I am happy you know nothing is wrong. But dear friend you would not have had to walk that alone of the outcome would have been different.


  3. Glad that those few moments of spinning thoughts and feelings could be moved on and away and replaced with good feelings and thoughts!!


I love to hear from other. Your opinions and viewpoints are always a blessing and encourage other readers as well.