A couple of nights ago I hugged Daddy good night and after I closed my bedroom door the emotions gripped me so hard I felt as though I could not breathe. I grabbed my Bible and opened to Psalm 30
I WILL extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me. O Lord, You have brought my life up from Sheol (the place of the dead); You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit (the grave). Sing to the Lord, O you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime or in His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. As for me, in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. By Your favor, O Lord, You have established me as a strong mountain; You hid Your face, and I was troubled. I cried to You, O Lord, and to the Lord I made supplication. What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit (the grave)? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth and faithfulness to men? Hear, O Lord, have mercy and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper! You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.
Daddy has been up and down so much this week that I can't even chart it in my mind anymore. I recognise the frustration in him now. He is quiet and doesn't complain. But I can see that he has had a small taste of feeling better and is feeling so constricted with being weak and lacking physically again. I admire him. He says there is no point in complaining. He is simply grateful to be alive and experiencing another day.I can see that he tries to be strong for me too. He is after all "the daddy". This afternoon I broached the subject with him when I could tell he was hiding a lot. "Daddy I could be reading you wrong but I get the feeling that it is a really hard day for you today and I don't mean just physically but emotionally too."
He chin trembled and silent tears ran into his beard as he closed his eyes and said, "It really is and I don't know why."
I pointed out that even in the best of circumstances it is only natural to have times when it seems too hard. Today is Valentines Day and a reminder that his wife is no longer here on earth. The sun shone brilliantly today and could have very easily toyed with him and made him a list of all the things he could be doing if only he wasn't laying around. Even under the best will and attitude there are times when we must cry out, "please God I need a bigger hug today." Mostly though I held him and cried with him. I held his head in my hands until his quivers stopped and his breathing relaxed and sleep overtook him.
The happenings this week: We received another postcard in the mail from Jesus. Daddy said, "Really? You have no idea who is doing this?" "No Daddy I really don't." "Well this is pretty neat and kind." he replied. The postcard said this....
Dear Julie and Joe- If I had a refrigerator your picture would be on it. If I had a wallet your photo would be in it. I send you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. When you want to talk I'll listen. You have to face it...I'm just crazy about you! Love, Jesus
For weeks I have been talking to her about her identity in God, encouraging her to not look at the World's viewpoint of self because it is a broken and distorted pair of glasses to see anything from. Look through God's eyes at the love that He has. It has been a hard concept to swallow. That happens so easily when a person has been beaten down for so long. I know. I wore those very same shoes for many years.
A couple of days ago she had to take her car in to fix a major oil leak. With no job, no spouse and her nest egg whittling away, it was a step of faith to do what needed to be done. But then came the phone call. She was crying so hard on the other end of the phone that I could barely make out her words. "Julie.....I went to go get my car and pay the bill and someone had already paid it. They wanted to be anonymous. I just know it was someone I was visiting with when I first took my car in. Oh my gosh. Nothing has every happened to me like this in my whole life!"
In between her waves of tears I rejoiced with her. "Now surely you see it. God is so in love with you. He delights in you, flips head over heels for you, moves mountains for you. And now with Valentine's Day here, He is romancing you and dancing with you. He says 'I love you my darling and I want you to know it.'"
Over the weekend, Daddy was adamant that my cousin and I go out for a while. I didn't want to leave him but he insisted that all he would do is sleep and it's no fun to watch a grown man sleep. So after making a few dose syringes of medicine cocktails for him I jumped in her car and we headed downtown to the Riverwalk.
We strolled through the weekend craft vendors, ate way too much food, and people watched the whole time. I loved the mixture of southern architectural flavor mixing with the history of the area.
I even got to hug onto a westie dog that was walking by with his owner. How funny it is for that to make me feel good. You would think that with 5 dogs here I would have my furry fill of hugs and slobber kisses. But it isn't the same. I miss Kekoa!
Hubby and I have talked about it and I have told Daddy that if he is ever at a point where he feels he can't handle his dogs anymore then we would take the little boy Conguito. I also threw in the conversation that I would take the girls too but they are older and I don't know that they could make the trip. Daddy smiled his acknowledgement and then mumbled something about them being more resilient than I give them credit for. Oh boy.....what is down the road for me then?
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
Have a blessed and wonderful week.