I Am Breathing....

It seems that lately the time on the clock has been spinning more and more quickly around the dial. With end of year school projects, capstone presentations, volunteering, Sunday school lessons to plan, and all of the general things of family and home.....my head is now swirling even when my body stops moving. In between reading To Kill a Mockingbird and Summer of The Monkeys at the same time ( so that I can know what I am actually teaching) and examining the finer points of Solving for Unknown with Multiplicative Inverse, I am making making a mental list of all the things that I normally do which I haven't had opportunity to do. You know, things like beading, card making, blog visiting, being with friends.

Soon the gears will slow down. That will be so good because I really don't like it when I get in this mode. It is a mode that spins so fast, I know I am not giving correct devotion to any one thing. I see the things that need to be done but I am going so fast that I find I don't want to do any of it. I stop wanting to care and end up sitting with a numb feeling coursing through me. Then the pressure builds, the not caring builds, the numbing builds......it is a vicious and unproductive circle.

The little white dog that was staying with us this past week went home yesterday. Okay go ahead and laugh at how silly I am. I miss her. After that first couple of days when I thought I could be capable of inflicting inhumane pain on an animal, she calmed down and became angelic, while I became a sucker. Sigh...... I missed taking her out this morning, missed her running up to me last night to say a happy hello, and more than once I thought she was bumping up against my leg to ask for attention.

Also, this week was scary for a young teen friend of ours. At the beginning of the week he was admitted to the university hospital here in the city after having a heart attack. It was crazy to say the least. He is a healthy young man and it came as a shock to us all. It turns out that he had somehow acquired an infection in his heart that was attacking and destroying all tissues in its path. He is on the mend now and in a couple of weeks we will be able to find out what kind of permanent damage there is.

Last but not least, yesterday was my last day for volunteering with TIP. I know I have pulled the "I quit" card before but this time I mean it. It is such a privilege and honor to be in a position to be with people and help them when a crisis hits. The fact that I have been able to give encouragement and love to them when their hearts are most exposed to pain, I cherish each time. But I must grip the fact that I cannot be all things to all people at all times. It could very well be an organization that I work with in the future, but now is not my season. I need to allow myself a small bit of breathing room in my days. I cannot take care of others if I do not take care of myself first.

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(Honorable mention of poast of the day from David at Authorblog. I am once again humbled and I must giggle. I am still in the foggy run run mode and when I saw his mention, it didn't even click that it was me. I simply thought, "oh look someone else has my name."

How Do We Let Them Go.....

Last night I was visiting with a friend who recently got married. We were talking about how special her puppy dog is to her and how her husband teases her about being so over protective of her dog....as if it were instead her child. She said to me, "I don't know how you Moms do it. How do you love something so much and are able to let them go? There are so many ways for them to get hurt." It was a statement of respect and awe.

I jokingly made reference to the idea that yes we love our kids and it is hard to let go, but as they go through their teenage things, there are days when when want to open the door for them and say 'buh-bye'. I said, "Maybe God helps us get in that frame of mind so we can let them go." We laughed and then moved on to other topics.

As I lay my head down on my pillow last night, I thought about it more...with seriousness instead of comedy. The question: How do we as parents let go? swirled in my head as I thought of past experiences. When it was time for the boys to leave, I even helped them to pack. No, we weren't in the midst of incredibly horrid times. I was just excited about the new chapters of their lives. They wanted to embark on life and they were each 18 years old so why not.

Maybe it was easier for me in those two situations because they are not my blood sons. I used to resent people making reference to the idea that my heart would not be attached the boys in the same way because I did not raise them until they were teenagers and they are not my blood sons. I thought that was the stupidest thing that could come out of any one's mouth. I bent over backwards for those boys, prayed for them, cried for them, guided them, and sacrificed for them. And yet, maybe there is a small bit of truth in that statement after all. I don't know.

When it is time for my girls to leave, how will I handle it? I don't know that it will be so easy to pack up their things.


How DO we let go?
As I lay there thinking, I realised that almost from the day they are born we let go a fraction more each day. Helpless at birth, children are given to us from God, not as a creation to be owned but instead as a creation to be nurtured and shaped.....for letting go.

As tiny infants, they need us for everything...protection, care, food, shelter, and love. Then they develop their little muscles enough to start crawling around and exploring. That is when the letting go begins. (My realization is that it is oh so very soon. It doesn't happen when they are young adults, it happens when they are still babies.) As they crawl and explore, yes they need us to give them parameters, but within reason they begin to express their independence. As the days, weeks, and months fly by, each assertion of individuality causes us to have to let go a small bit more. In that letting go, we trust that they will attempt to choose right decisions and that the decisions they make, right and wrong, will help shape their character.

As I sit here with tears hitting my keyboard I see that we let go not out of any lack of care. It is not that it is easy...at all. Seeing them step into the world rips our hearts out. There are so many dangers waiting for them, so many unknowns. We let go because we care. It is because we love them with every fiber of our being that we willingly encourage them to step into the world and make their mark. Yes they will fall and yes they will hurt. But they will also do incredible and amazing things for the world.....because from Day 1, we have been their cheerleaders encouraging them to step into the unfamiliar and seek their destiny.

With God's grace and peace, I will be able to let go when the time comes. For now, I think I am going to be giving my girls some extra long hugs today.

Don't Open That Door.....

Have you seen the movie Daddy Day Care? Here is the movie trailer to refresh your memory...

How Much is that Doggie in the Window.....

In thinking of a title for this post, I started to sing a song I played on my childhood record player over and over and over again. I can still hear it in my head...with scratchy sounds and all....

"How much is that doggie in the window?

The one with the waggily tail.

How much is that doggie in the window?

I do hope that doggies for sale.

Arff! Arff!"

Dogs....until recently, I have always owned a dog and I know that some day I will once again own a dog. Now that I am pretty regular with going out on walks, I have occasionally thought it would be nice to have a companion with me...a small bit of accountability to make sure I get out in the rays of sun. I have wondered if I will become lonely when the girls are off in school and I have time to figure out a bit of me with the unoccupied hours. Maybe it would then be time for a fuzz ball in the house.

I started doing a bit of research on the subject. We have always had whatever pooch landed on our doorstep, which is not a bad way to be. I just want to do things different this time. What kind of dog would suit my needs? I took an online profile, researched breeds and needs, temperaments and dispositions, do they dig, are they ornery, easy to train, eager to please, balanced between needing attention and being able to spend time alone. I even looked up breeders in the area and started estimating how long it would take me to be financially ready.

I have now put all of my information on the back burner. "Pippin" is puppy sitting this week for a friend and it has thrown my world into a spin to have a canine in our house again. She is a cute little thing and we have known her since she was a pup. But the things to think about when having a pet to be responsible for....well I guess I had forgotten.

It is like having a baby again. Is she hungry? Is she thirsty? Is she lonely? Does she need to go outside? Have we been away from home for too long? Would somebody please tell me why she is whining non stop!

Yes, I know that one day I will have a pup of my very own to go on walks with me, be my friend with deep knowing eyes and ears that always listen, and keep my feet warm as I curl up on the couch. But for now, I am definitely not ready. As a matter of fact, I think it will be completely healthy for me to be alone when the girls go to school.

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(David at Authorblog made this an honorable mention for post of the day. I am humbled with the honor.)

Confessions of a Stupidly Proud Heart....

I was 18 years old at the time and dating a 33 year old man (my future husband). At the time of this specific story, we were already pretty serious in our relationship. Because of that, I would routinely drive him to work so that he could do a few hours of needed calls and paperwork while I was left in charge of his personal car...and his little baby boy.

On one of these days, I decided to drop into the office for a surprise visit. His office was located in the upper level of the local mall (where he was on special assignment as an active duty Air Force recruiter) so parking proved to be a bit of a challenge at times.

Being just 18 years old (and only having my license for maybe 6 months) I hadn't quite mastered all of those tight parking techniques yet, but I had the youthful thought process to think that I could conquer anything and there happened to be an open space in between 2 other government cars. About a thousand times before that moment, I had seen my boyfriend whip around and back his 1985 Pontiac Firebird into a parking space. I figured it couldn't be all that difficult and I ought to be able to do the same.

I turned, positioned, angled, checked my mirrors and then went for it. Ever so softly I heard a scrape/rubbing sound. Shock and doubt filled my mind. Those feelings were followed by a million other thoughts.

- I can't believe I just messed up!
- I just wrecked the car with THE BABY!
- This is his car...his other BABY!
- I scraped a government car....the military can't touch me but they can make life hard for him!
- I have put a huge black mark of shame in his career record!
- I have ruined his life!

With all of those thoughts swirling through my mind, I did what any sensible 18 year old girl would do.......I parked the car in a different spot, grabbed the baby, and went up to the office with a "nope nothing happened today" smile on my face.

To make matters worse, the army recruiter saw me pull away and told the navy recruiter. It was the navy car that I had scuffed. The navy officer marched out there with a tape measure and everything to compare paint scuff marks and bumpers. As sweetly and determined as she was to get the truth out of me......do you know I played the dumbfounded/denial card to the very end?! Yep I lied. I lied profoundly, absolutely, and stupidly. I looked her right in the eyes and said, "Gosh those are interesting clues to your case but it wasn't me." All I could think of were those thoughts swirling around in my head and I was not about to own up to anything.

It was not until just a couple of years ago that I confessed the truth to my husband.
He was shocked and then we had a good laugh about it.

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I was out driving yesterday, all the usual errands, when that whole scene jumped back into my mind. (Do you ever find yourself with that memory lane stupidity hitting you smack in the face when you least expect it?) Ugh! It is so embarrassing! I hope that as I have gained years and experience since that time, I am not as prone to such dumb moments. But then again, it is not 100% likely. Sure it is funny to laugh at and it really wasn't a big deal. Nothing ever happened. The scuff buffed right out. But it makes me cringe all the same.

Why?......

I think because it is a pointed landmark story in my life that illustrates all of the many times that I have so adamantly and without wisdom clung to an empty and futile thought process. Call it haughtiness, arrogance, egoism, narcissism, pride, or self preservation....it really all means the same thing. I think everyone can testify to at least one deed sort of similar to this in their past. It is, after all, human instinct to be driven by self. We all have done it, are doing it, and will do it in the future. It is why we need a Savior...not only to ensure where we spend our eternity, but also how we live day to day in the now time.

I know that for me, it is only because of Jesus in my life today that I can even attempt to make a more wise decision in my days than what wants to rise up from inside me. As they say, "But for the grace of God, there go I."

Proverbs 3:5-6
Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.