The Happenings.....

Some days I can feel absolutely fine and truly content, joyful and chipper all through the day. Then all of a sudden tears threaten to spill everywhere as my chest tightens with emotion. I try to take each day and moment as it comes. When it seems too much, I take the advice given to me recently from a dear friend of mine and I say, "Please Lord I need more of you right now." as I hold my hands out in the air.

A couple of nights ago I hugged Daddy good night and after I closed my bedroom door the emotions gripped me so hard I felt as though I could not breathe. I grabbed my Bible and opened to Psalm 30

I WILL extol You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me. O Lord, You have brought my life up from Sheol (the place of the dead); You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit (the grave). Sing to the Lord, O you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name. For His anger is but for a moment, but His favor is for a lifetime or in His favor is life. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. As for me, in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. By Your favor, O Lord, You have established me as a strong mountain; You hid Your face, and I was troubled. I cried to You, O Lord, and to the Lord I made supplication. What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit (the grave)? Will the dust praise You? Will it declare Your truth and faithfulness to men? Hear, O Lord, have mercy and be gracious to me! O Lord, be my helper! You have turned my mourning into dancing for me; You have put off my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, To the end that my tongue and my heart and everything glorious within me may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Daddy has been up and down so much this week that I can't even chart it in my mind anymore. I recognise the frustration in him now. He is quiet and doesn't complain. But I can see that he has had a small taste of feeling better and is feeling so constricted with being weak and lacking physically again. I admire him. He says there is no point in complaining. He is simply grateful to be alive and experiencing another day.

I can see that he tries to be strong for me too. He is after all "the daddy". This afternoon I broached the subject with him when I could tell he was hiding a lot. "Daddy I could be reading you wrong but I get the feeling that it is a really hard day for you today and I don't mean just physically but emotionally too."
He chin trembled and silent tears ran into his beard as he closed his eyes and said, "It really is and I don't know why."
I pointed out that even in the best of circumstances it is only natural to have times when it seems too hard. Today is Valentines Day and a reminder that his wife is no longer here on earth. The sun shone brilliantly today and could have very easily toyed with him and made him a list of all the things he could be doing if only he wasn't laying around. Even under the best will and attitude there are times when we must cry out, "please God I need a bigger hug today." Mostly though I held him and cried with him. I held his head in my hands until his quivers stopped and his breathing relaxed and sleep overtook him.

~~~~~~~~
The happenings this week: We received another postcard in the mail from Jesus. Daddy said, "Really? You have no idea who is doing this?" "No Daddy I really don't." "Well this is pretty neat and kind." he replied. The postcard said this....

Dear Julie and Joe- If I had a refrigerator your picture would be on it. If I had a wallet your photo would be in it. I send you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. When you want to talk I'll listen. You have to face it...I'm just crazy about you! Love, Jesus

~~~~~
For weeks I have been talking to her about her identity in God, encouraging her to not look at the World's viewpoint of self because it is a broken and distorted pair of glasses to see anything from. Look through God's eyes at the love that He has. It has been a hard concept to swallow. That happens so easily when a person has been beaten down for so long. I know. I wore those very same shoes for many years.

A couple of days ago she had to take her car in to fix a major oil leak. With no job, no spouse and her nest egg whittling away, it was a step of faith to do what needed to be done. But then came the phone call. She was crying so hard on the other end of the phone that I could barely make out her words. "Julie.....I went to go get my car and pay the bill and someone had already paid it. They wanted to be anonymous. I just know it was someone I was visiting with when I first took my car in. Oh my gosh. Nothing has every happened to me like this in my whole life!"

In between her waves of tears I rejoiced with her. "Now surely you see it. God is so in love with you. He delights in you, flips head over heels for you, moves mountains for you. And now with Valentine's Day here, He is romancing you and dancing with you. He says 'I love you my darling and I want you to know it.'"

~~~~~~~
Over the weekend, Daddy was adamant that my cousin and I go out for a while. I didn't want to leave him but he insisted that all he would do is sleep and it's no fun to watch a grown man sleep. So after making a few dose syringes of medicine cocktails for him I jumped in her car and we headed downtown to the Riverwalk.

We strolled through the weekend craft vendors, ate way too much food, and people watched the whole time. I loved the mixture of southern architectural flavor mixing with the history of the area.

I even got to hug onto a westie dog that was walking by with his owner. How funny it is for that to make me feel good. You would think that with 5 dogs here I would have my furry fill of hugs and slobber kisses. But it isn't the same. I miss Kekoa!

Hubby and I have talked about it and I have told Daddy that if he is ever at a point where he feels he can't handle his dogs anymore then we would take the little boy Conguito. I also threw in the conversation that I would take the girls too but they are older and I don't know that they could make the trip. Daddy smiled his acknowledgement and then mumbled something about them being more resilient than I give them credit for. Oh boy.....what is down the road for me then?

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

Have a blessed and wonderful week.

The World Still Spins.....

Wow! It is Thursday already.

It ended up being several hard days in a row for Daddy. But he seems to be through it now. He had gotten into a cycle of being in severe pain and nausea. It kept him from being able to take his meds...which made the pain and nausea worse....and the cycle went on for a few days before I really felt we were getting on top of it. Today I have been able to back off of his morphine by half and it is good to see him perky and talkative again.



On the worst day I had my cousin come over a couple of times to administer IV fluids. Gosh, I just can't imagine what things would be like if we didn't have her. Time and time again the nurses at the hospital "wash their hands of being held liable" as they give me the bags to bring home. I am told my cousin could lose her job and license if something went wrong. But she is an ICU nurse and the oncologist has complete confidence in her ability. Chemo patients that are not able to have this opportunity at home.....I don't know how they make it through treatment. There has only been 2 days since I have been here where Daddy has not needed the "pick-me-up" of 1000cc of saline.



Anyway.......
Yesterday morning I went downtown to the Social Security office to do the next step in filing for his full disability benefits. Due to the nature of esophageal cancer, he automatically qualifies. But still we have to walk the paperwork through and take all of the necessary steps.
I was very impressed with my appointment. I must admit that I had some predisposed opinions in my head of what it would be like. I thought....hours of time lost, government red tape, hassle and attitude with everyone passing the responsibility buck. In actuality though things went very quickly and pleasant. My representative even gave me advice on other things without me soliciting for information.



Yesterday we received news that our new grand baby is going to be a big sister. I bit my tongue to keep back the obvious sarcasm that wanted to say, "Honey what are you doing? Abbigail is only 3 months old! Don't you know how this works?" But being sarcastic doesn't solve anything and only makes more hurts. So instead, "Yes Honey. I know you are scared. I wish I could hug you right now. We will be praying for the health of mama and baby and peace in your home."
And I do pray for them indeed. There are 4 children now in their blended marriage (ages 9 yrs, 4 yrs, 2 yrs, and 3 mos.) and his wife has had medically severe and dangerous pregnancies all four times.

I decided with the rain and cold, I needed something comforting and yummy to have baking through the house when people visit. Looking through a widower's pantry is an interesting job but for whatever reason I found 6 cans of pureed pumpkin. Armed with that and a recipe I found online I came out with 2 dozen Pumpkin & Carrot Cream Cheese Swirl Muffins.

I ate a few today (oh my gosh it is all I've eaten today. I better make a salad for dinner!) and sent a plateful home with my step-sister. Maybe the yummy smells will entice Daddy to try a few crumbs tonight.

Father God, I thank You for Your presence and Your joy. Thank You for your guidance and peace. Thank You that You orchestrate all things together and I don't have to think about it all because You have it under control.

Ups and Downs......

Lord please help me to be open and honest today without being mouthy.

When I last wrote, Daddy was doing great and didn't even hardly seem that he was in the middle of a treatment. He even took a small bite of muffin that I had made that day along with a swallow of juice and was actually able to keep it down and enjoy it. That is such great progress considering that when I first got here he could not even swallow a sip of water because the tumor was so large.

But that night he started feeling not so great with a bloated tummy. That caused him to get behind on the feeding pump and his medications..................

Ok I need to jump tracks for just a minute. I have a few close friends and family members that have the same cellular service as I do. I love that because then I can text out a message and not have to worry about how long it is. I sent one out 30 minutes ago asking for prayer today and now I have been sitting here crying and feeling so much healing from the responses. Oh the power of words. How much it ministers to me the prayers that people send to me in texts and emails.
Deep cleansing breath.......NOW the day doesn't seem formidable.

Where was I?.........
Yes, the past couple of days have been hard for Daddy. He is nauseated a lot and drastically tired. He has lowered his feeding pump from 92 ml per hour to 75 ml. But all of that is to be expected. I will keep on encouraging him with his medications and nourishment and he will bounce back and make more progress.

Yesterday I replaced two of his area carpets. The carpets were very old and the dogs had created too much damage to try and save them. My cousin very willingly helped me pull everything out and get the two rooms all set back up in proper order. I was grateful for the help and teased him about the work saying that by the time we were finished he might wish we went bead shopping instead. That made him laugh since he was my driver during my 4 hour shopping trip a while back.

Last night one of the older dogs started to get sick. I don't know if she had just gotten into something but as I was getting ready for bed I found runny stool in several places around the house including the couch and her whole backside. Sigh.......I got everything cleaned up and we all settled in for the night. This morning when my cousin came over to do Daddy's IV bag, she found a fresh area that she cleaned up. Then she commented to me that it looked like when her patients get a GI bleed. Other than the visible signs that we have found, the dog is quite perky and is currently enjoying her breakfast. I will keep a close eye on her today and probably take her to the vet tomorrow. My cousin laughs and thinks the vet is sweet on me. "How silly," is my constant reply. Dr. Vet just likes that I keep bringing in these 5 dogs and adding to his bank account.

My younger step-brother is coming over this afternoon with his new wife and 3 children. It will be good to visit and I think it will be his last visit for quite a while considering he is shipping out for the desert in a couple of weeks. I do hope that my nieces come over to visit as well and help with the children. There is no denying that I love children.......but oh my I have not the energy for these guys.

Father God I pray your presence over this day and for Your purposes to be known. Lord may your breath be felt throughout this whole home and Your peace reign.

Blessings to you today!

Walking With Jesus...

I have felt so snugly lazy the past couple of days. It has been softly raining here for the past 72 hours or so and I am loving the sounds and the freshness that the drizzle brings. It reminds me of home and solidifies in me even more that the green mountains and fresh air make me a NW girl at heart.
The rain here is not good for the land though. There is a neighborhood somewhere in town here that has absolutely fallen to pieces from water erosion and faulty contractor irresponsibility. There are approximately 25 families that are now displaced from all of the damage.

Tomorrow is Friday and Daddy will be able to go to the hospital and disconnect from his pump pack for 3 weeks. He really is doing so much better than last time and it affirms for me even more the importance that a positive atmosphere makes.

Even as recent as 3 weeks ago, Daddy could not even swallow a trickling sip of water. But now the past couple of days he has been able to swallow a couple of small medicine tablets. He sipped on a super small bit of coffee this morning and now 3 hours later it still hasn't come back to haunt him. I am so grateful for his progress.

I find that there are many times when he is quietly in pain or nauseated but doesn't ask for more medication. I don't know if it is because he is trying to push through it or because his mind is clouded enough that he doesn't think of it. But I am learning to recognize his tell-tale signs and offer. Relief washes over his face and he readily agrees for the help in most cases.

Last night was a good night for him so I prepared a surprise by hooking up his web camera and set up Skype. He was then able to see our little Angel-girl for the first time in "real-time". He was incredibly thrilled. Because he wears out fast when talking, he wasn't able to talk for too long. But it was still a highlight for him.

Yesterday morning we sat out in the sun room just talking and crying the morning away. I ventured to ask him what touched him the most about reading The Shack and what brought on his comment about hoping it to be a true story. Without skipping a beat he looked me in the eye and said, "Walking along side Jesus and talking with Him. And it was really neat to read about Mack walking on the water with Jesus."

Then I really entered into waters that I wanted to be sure of. "Daddy I know that you have deep memories of revival tent meetings when you were growing up and I know that you know God is very real. But we can know God and not ever take that next important step. Has there been a pivotal time in your life when you have asked Jesus to live in your heart and be a part of your every minute?"

He told me about being 14 or 15 years of age and right in the middle of service it hit him square in the face the awesomeness and reality of Jesus and he went up to the altar and cried for all he was worth. He went on to tell me about falling away for a time when he joined the military. Then looking into my face as a baby and realizing that he wanted to be a better daddy for me. Over time he fell back again and then didn't start to really think about God until the past few years.
The whole time he was talking, silent tears ran down his face unashamed.
He said, "I know God is in charge of everything and His will rules. And if He sees fit to get me through this then it will be part of His will and a glorious miracle. And if I don't make it then that is all right too. I just have to know that there is still purpose for me in being here."

"Daddy in every day that God has us wake and with every breath we breathe there is purpose and destiny. Do you know Daddy that God loves you with an every lasting love and He did not put this cancer on you? There are bad things in this world because the world is broken. But God takes those bad things and promises that He will carry us through them and shape them for His glory and good."

He agreed without hesitation. He knows.


For now I must go. With home health visits (oh and I re-booked my ticket today and am staying through mid March) and such it has taken me something like 6 hours to write this.

Thank you for your encouragement and your prayers.
Have a blessed and wonderful day!

I Didn't See It Coming....

Yesterday I was in an interesting position. Through a series of events, I found myself in the company of a family member (definitely not my Daddy) who felt comfortable enough to smoke a joint (marijuana) while talking with me. Truly I didn't think much of it as it was happening because my mind was in other places. I actually wanted to er on the side of caution and thought maybe I was misunderstanding the situation.

As is typical for me, when I got home in the evening the events of the day started to build in me. I called my brother and sister in law for needed advice. As I talked with them about it all, waves of reality and the gravity of the situation flooded through me. I felt silly, duped, didn't want to be labeled a goody good, slightly offended that this person didn't even ask me if I was OK with it, I worried about the safety of Daddy and me, I didn't want to be offensive or judgemental...and the list of thoughts goes on and on.
I know........how many times have I been accused of thinking too much. My pastor calls it analysis paralysis.

I went to the Internet and researched the time frame effects of this drug and what it all means. I even looked to make sure that Texas is not a marijuana legal state. Then I went to Daddy with my experience. He was very receptive to all I had to share and completely agreed that safety is a concern.

I slept pretty restless last night. Daddy had his chemo treatment yesterday and was wiped out. I wasn't sure if his deep sleep was treatment related or medication related so I stayed on the couch where I could hear him if he needed help with anything. The dogs made all kinds of sleepy doggy noises through the night and all wanted to sleep around and on me. Despite all of that, I had this needed conversation formulating in my head that volleyed for my attention as well.

This morning I called this person and had what I felt to be a gracious conversation. First I made sure that I didn't assume anything incorrectly. Then I said I had a request.....
"Being 30 years old, you are an adult and are free to make your own choices. I am not here to argue or debate with you nor will I judge you. What you do and how often you do it is your business. Involving me or Daddy makes it my business. My request is that on the days that you have volunteered to drive us around, it is important that you save your independent smoking choices for after you are finished with us."
He was very open and agreeable.....kind of like a V-8 juice commercial slap like wow you are right I should have thought of that.
Then I wrapped it up with gratitude and a thin layer of guilt.
"I so appreciate all that you have done in being available for Daddy. You have been here for Daddy since his diagnosis. It is a huge responsibility to think about his condition and his safety and I know you will be around here every day with your support and care even after I have gone back to my family."

I know some would say I was way to light but that is the way I felt guided to handle things for now.


Daddy is doing really good with this chemo session I think.
He had a 6 hour treatment yesterday and is now wearing a pump that is administering a low dose of chemo around the clock until Friday morning. The way I understand it, chemo blocks the cells from being able to reproduce. The treatment doesn't know the difference between a good cell and a bad cell though. Consequently because his cells can't reproduce right now, the energy he has at this moment has to last him all week. That is why I am so grateful for the 2 weeks that he had with no treatment so that he could build up a bit of storage. As long as I stay ahead with his medications he doesn't get very queasy and a low dose of morphine actually makes him perky and talkative for a fair window of time.

He is doing well enough in fact that the doctor has decided to have him do one more treatment in March. I talked with my family a couple of days ago about it all. As much as I miss my family, we have decided that it would be best for me to stay here until Daddy is finished with his therapy. There is too much of a change in him for me to leave him alone right now. (Gosh that reminds me: I have got to re-book my return ticket.)

My step-sister has been opening up more and more. She says that before I got here Daddy would barely take one whole can of nutrition formula in a day and didn't keep to a medicine schedule at all. He was always tired and nauseated and kept putting things off in hopes of feeling better "in a few minutes". She says he is a totally different man now. Most days he can now do 5 cans of nutrition and has bumped up his pump from 60 ml per hour to 90 ml per hour. I make his medications for him and write everything down to keep him on schedule. I haven't been pushy in anything. I think I can just pull the "Daddy card" and he won't deny me anything. Whatever works. I just know that he looks better to me than when I first got here and everyone that comes over remarks at the changes in him.

Thank you Father God!

I bought The Shack for Daddy the other day. He just finished reading today and absolutely loved it. He said "I know it is a work of fiction but I sure hope it is really real."
I need to question him further on what he meant by that.

So much more has been going on. A cousin stayed with Daddy while another cousin took me shopping downtown at El Mercado, lunch at Mi Tierra and then an authentic dinner with her Hispanic in-laws. It was a wonderful day. But as I say all of that....it is so very late and I am quite sleepy. I will have to remember to write it all down later.

Thank you Daddy God for being here, for constantly having your love and encouragement around. Thank you for your guidance and your grace and your strength. You are so amazing!

Thank you for your encouragement and for keeping us in your prayers.
Have a blessed and wonderful week!